Together We Can Kill Hip Hop

Hip_hop_sixersWe're hunting wabbits

Get out the pitchforks, folks. We’re going in.

At today’s press conference, new Sixers owner Joshua Harris and CEO Adam Aron announced four very specific changes… in reverse order for your viewing pleasure (actually, to help this post flow):

4) The Sixers will offer “exciting, winning basketball and literally transform fan experience on game nights.” Hot.

3) They will be “slashing, and [they] mean slashing” ticket prices on just under 9,000 seats. Prices will be cut by 50% or more. You can now sit in the lower bowl for $29.

2) New marketing slogan– “Passionate. Intense. Proud.” Or PIP. Perhaps a thesaurus is needed there, but you get the point.

1) They will be taking out full-page ads in the sports sections of the Inquirer and Daily News tomorrow (yo, what about Crossing Broad? We offer much lower CPM rates and a more targeted audience). The ads will feature an open letter to fans, which will also be mailed to season ticket holders. But here’s the fun part: they have launched an all new site, NewSixersOwner.com (again, thesaurus), to solicit fan feedback. CEO Aron said he will personally read every response and the 1,776 fans (get it?) with the most intriguing comments will receive a complimentary ticket to an upcoming Sixers game (you know, if there’s a season). 

This is our chance to be heard. 

Most of you hate Hip Hop. I hate Hip Hop. I’m pretty sure Kevin Cooney of Calkins Media hates Hip Hop. Let’s kill him (the mascot, not Cooney– we like Kev).

Here’s what you need to do: 

Simply click this link to be taken to the new NewSixersOwner.com, fill out your name, date of birth, email address, state, and paste the following into the I want to tell the new 76ers Ownership box:

Dear Josh and Adam,

I feel like I can call you Josh and Adam because you guys and me are so much alike. Quite frankly, I’m thrilled to have an ownership group that will devote the time and attention needed to run a successful basketball franchise. While I understand that you will receive many requests from fans – ranging from on-court improvements to saltier popcorn – here is one that myself (and many other fans) feel very strongly about: We don’t like Hip Hop, your current mascot.

That’s not a slight to whomever plays the role (in fact, that guy is talented– keep him), but the concept, costume, and, really, the rabbit-looks-like-a-rat thing has run its course. Hip Hop was born(?) during the Pat Croce era, and while acrobatic rabbits were cool for a time… well, now they just scare people.

My vote? Bring back Big Shot.

Of course, you may have other ideas for a new mascot. That’s fine, too. Perhaps a Founding Father (see also: Nationals, Washington) or Will Smith. Actually, yeah, Will Smith would be great. But whatever you decide, please get rid of Hip Hop. He’s not cool.

Thank you for your time and congratulations on your new role. We are truly excited to have some new life breathed into the Sixers. This is a great basketball town, we just need a reason to watch. If we ever meet, these are all things we could talk about and more. I’m sure the new Sixers ownership group will be a real slam dunk.

Thanks,

YOUR NAME HERE

 

That’s it. If my calculations are correct, we will be heard loud and clear. Death to Hip Hop!

Big_shot_sixers

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17 Responses

  1. Big Shot was the shit! He MUST come back. I’m not even really a basketball fan, but I’ll root for the Sixers.
    i am just glad the Flyers never bothered with a mascot.

  2. If only killing actual hip-hop could be done with such ease.
    In the 70s, one of the major networks (ABC, maybe?) had a contract to televise NHL games. They had a mascot. His name was Peter Puck. Peter Puck was a sort of cartoon amalgam of Mr. Bill (SNL) and a hockey puck. And Peter Puck was very, very silly.
    Peter Puck is better than hip-hop. Peter Puck is even better than the crappy Sixers’ rabbit mascot.
    Bring back the Big Shot if a mascot must exist at all.

  3. There mascot could be a donkey that gets fellated every night by the Olsen twins and I still wouldn’t go to a Sixers game.

  4. Death to the hip hop’s cronies the “hair raisers” too! These are the idiots that wear batting gloves, stand right in your way, and try to get the crowd hype while not actually watching the game. Complete violation.

  5. Dude! I freaking LOVE Hip Hop. Probably more than the Phanatic.
    Long live HIP HOP! @fakeshanevicto

  6. Done.
    And I love that you stole the “real slam dunk” straight from Mac’s letter to Chase.

  7. Hip Hop should be given one opportunity to execute a 360 dunk from the 3 point line off of the trampoline. If he makes it, he gets to keep his job. If he misses, he’s out on his ass. If he tears another ACL,who cares, fuck him.

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