Flyers

Patrick Kaleta Gets Four-Game Suspension, Mostly For Being a Douchebag

By Kyle Scott

Published: Nov 3rd, 2011 · 4:19 PM EDT

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I didn't listen to most of Shanahan's reasoning, but I'm guessing it went something like this:

I’m Brendan Shanahan, Senior Vice President of Player Safety and Hockey Operations. I’m stiffer than the old guy from Road Trip and have no on-camera experience whatsoever so I’m going to try not to blink for the next 60 seconds. Last night, in Buffalo, in a hockey game between the Buffalo Sabres and Philadelphia Flyers that was part of the National Hockey League of North America played on November 2nd, 2011, Patrick Kaleta, who, quite frankly, is kind of a douchebag, head-butted Jakub Voracek, the guy who replaced Jeff Carter when he was shot by Paul Holmgren in a fit of rage. Anyway, here’s the play in which Kaleta very clearly and deliberately head-butted Vor…Vor… the guy they traded Carter for. This isn't the first time that son-of-a-bitch has done this. Exactly 12 months, nine days, and seven minutes ago, Kaleta performed a similar move against the Devils. And, nine months, eight minutes, and seven seconds ago, Kaleta also used his head as a battering ram and briefly sprouted horns as he attacked this Atlanta Thrasher like a horny bull staring at a red ass. As stated in this giant, leather-bound book, whose contents have been wired into my brain by a team of French Canadian scientists who vow to protect the sport, sticking your head out with the intent to harm another player very specifically violates rule 1.2.234482.45.69.niner.22 v0886.

As such, by the power vested in me by that team of wacky scientists and Gary Bettman, I am issuing a four-game suspension to Kaleta, mostly because he’s a pr… – ZAP! – … because he violated rule 1.2.234482.45.69.niner.22 v0886. Thank you for your time.

 

*In all seriousness, Shanahan used the line: “This recent history of ramming his head into the faces of opponents, regardless of whether he is trying to free the puck, leads us to believe that this act is intentional.”

You think?