Patrick Kaleta Gets Four-Game Suspension, Mostly For Being a Douchebag

I didn't listen to most of Shanahan's reasoning, but I'm guessing it went something like this:

I’m Brendan Shanahan, Senior Vice President of Player Safety and Hockey Operations. I’m stiffer than the old guy from Road Trip and have no on-camera experience whatsoever so I’m going to try not to blink for the next 60 seconds. Last night, in Buffalo, in a hockey game between the Buffalo Sabres and Philadelphia Flyers that was part of the National Hockey League of North America played on November 2nd, 2011, Patrick Kaleta, who, quite frankly, is kind of a douchebag, head-butted Jakub Voracek, the guy who replaced Jeff Carter when he was shot by Paul Holmgren in a fit of rage. Anyway, here’s the play in which Kaleta very clearly and deliberately head-butted Vor…Vor… the guy they traded Carter for. This isn't the first time that son-of-a-bitch has done this. Exactly 12 months, nine days, and seven minutes ago, Kaleta performed a similar move against the Devils. And, nine months, eight minutes, and seven seconds ago, Kaleta also used his head as a battering ram and briefly sprouted horns as he attacked this Atlanta Thrasher like a horny bull staring at a red ass. As stated in this giant, leather-bound book, whose contents have been wired into my brain by a team of French Canadian scientists who vow to protect the sport, sticking your head out with the intent to harm another player very specifically violates rule 1.2.234482.45.69.niner.22 v0886.

As such, by the power vested in me by that team of wacky scientists and Gary Bettman, I am issuing a four-game suspension to Kaleta, mostly because he’s a pr… – ZAP! – … because he violated rule 1.2.234482.45.69.niner.22 v0886. Thank you for your time.


*In all seriousness, Shanahan used the line: “This recent history of ramming his head into the faces of opponents, regardless of whether he is trying to free the puck, leads us to believe that this act is intentional.”

You think?


11 Responses

  1. Let’s loom at the Key Points:
    -Patrick Kaleta was being a douche
    -Patrick Kaleta is known for this type of repeated douchery

  2. Prayers with patrick, as this circulates around the league. Cant wait to see who gets a hold of him and wears his face as a mask to their birthday party.

  3. you legit have me giggling at work. i dont get how people hate you or your blog. you’re hilarious and put your own spin on things while still bringing us any news related to the wonderful world of sports. like i said last night for catching that screen grab of that woman, miller, you’re awesome.

  4. Fuck Shannahan, if he thinks it’s intentional then Dooshaleta should have gotten more than 4 games. That arsehole must’ve his original thought of eight games in half because he finally figured it was a violation against a Flyer, afterall. Just another doosh dissaplining all the other dooshes. Shannahan can kiss that Gary Buttman in that weasely little arse of his for all I care.

  5. PS: I’m with Brianna. I get hard on you Laddie when it’s needed but sometimes I give you a shout, and now should be one of them. Good interpritation for that bumhole Shanna-Hen. I’m recalling his Son of Erin membership.

  6. Ron Noel will bugger that whining wimp Ryan Miller while Patrick Kaleta head-butts him with his visored helmet. Since it’s the first decent thing Kaleta has done, the Flyers petition Shana-Hen to take this into account the next time he faces dissapline.

  7. I hated this guy since last year along with big bird Myers!! It’s about time he got suspended, just wished it was for the rest of the year!Low-life skank with NO TALENT!!!Bring his ass back to PHILLY!!!

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