Presenting The Jeffrey Lurie Guide to Evaluating Your NFL Head Coach

Fire_in_bellyFire in belly– very important (thanks to reader Tommy for this)

Here it is, this is the Jeffrey Lurie test for being a head coach in the NFL, according to the Eagles' idiot owner, who today didn’t fire his coach after talking in circles for 10 minutes about how goddamn shitty the season was.

Three things to look at when deciding whether or not to can your coach:

1)  Track record

Lurie says Andy Reid has a good one, and bounces back quite well from years he doesn’t make the playoffs, often with double-digit win seasons.

2) Recent success.

He mostly skipped over that one. But did say the following, all of which touched on Reid's recent performance: [quotes were transcribed live, so there may be minor, trivial omissions]

“We proved we could dominate teams that weren’t competitive [not the Packers, Saints and Steelers]." 


"Being too caught up in final month's success is fool's gold.”


“[It was] dismal, unfathomable to have the record we had first half of the season." 


“No legitimate excuses in my mind for team to take that long to come together.” 

3) Intangibles. The tiebreaker, if you will.

There are many, but two specifically:

A) The Eagles were one of the best groups in terms of motivation. Talked about how the Eagles had great motivation (fuck yeah!) and great practices. Yes, WE’RE TALKING ABOUT PRACTICE.

B) Reid has a “fire in his belly.” Really, he actually said that. Just before announcing that Reid would stay on as coach, after talking about how there were absolutely no excuses for this season, the owner of an NFL football team said the head coach had “fire in his belly.” 

But wait, there’s more!  

A follow up question revealed how Lurie, who spoke at a wooden podium in a suit, and sounded like a Public Speaking 101 student who had shit in his pants, performs analysis of the above intangibles: 

“One of the analyses I do, is how humble [Reid] is, and how self critical he is. You’re dealing with a non-arrogant man, who blames himself for the troubles…. I don’t think you’re ever going to meet a head coach who is less arrogant than Andy Reid.” 


“When you can sacrifice your own popularity for the players, that goes a long, long way in the locker room. I have a coach that handles press conferences and communicates with the media in a way that protects the team. That creates unselfishness on his part, that’s the dynamic here.

I could use a line of Andy’s… Andy’s got to do a better job of that (communicating with media).”

Those were the highlights of one of the weirdest press conferences of all-time. The only thing I can even liken it to is when you didn’t want to tell your parents about a bad report card, so you told them every positive thing you could think of before informing them that you failed Algebra, brought back your fat, underachieving coach, and allowed your venue to host a private party for Rangers fans because you’re a greedy dope.

Screen Shot 2012-01-03 at 3.27.11 PM via (@bullitt18)

Oh yeah, the Juan Castillo decision will fall on Reid: “Those are Andy’s decisions. He has the final say on that.” 

Coward! Coward!!

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47 Responses

  1. Once again, this post has infiltrated my brain and posted its findings. Fuck Lurie, and fuck andy reid.

  2. CAN I GET AN AMEN? AMEN BITCH! jesus christ i could not agree more with EVERYTHING you just said. fuck this organizaion.

  3. Ive never seen the words accountability and unacceptable used so much where there is actually no accountability on the unacceptable results.

  4. Fire in his belly? I believe he’s got that confused with heartburn from to many chili dogs.

  5. It’s a shame because it is clearly money over actually really giving a shit about winning a Super Bowl.
    And the biggest fail of all: GM Howie Roseman is back. Can’t wait to see who he wastes the picks on this year.

  6. Eagles fans, you have no one to blame but yourselves. You love football too much. With fantasy football, getting drunk on Sundays and the Super Bowl. You buy the jerseys, the tickets, the season ticket package, apparal, whatever they sell you buy. You supported a dog killer who went to the Pro Bowl and because of your support the team gave him a 100 million dollar deal BECAUSE OF YOU. Homer saw something stink and he blew up the roster. You Eagle first fans are helping this organization PRINT money.
    There might be hope, if Reid fails next year. He might get fired! One banner in front of NovaCare Complex is not going to solve anything. Calling the radio shows, your just giving them ratings.
    I wanted this coach fired after guitar gate in Dallas. I wont support the Eagles until this team gets a new head coach. Flyers, Phillies, Sixers, Union, Wings, and Eagles in that order to my loyalty.

  7. This reminds me of when Sal Goobernale asked Artie Lange if he had a crystal ball in is stomach. That’s like the fire in Andy’s belly. Carry on.

  8. I didn’t listen to the whole press conference… did any of the reporters even ask him about who will have the say in who gets drafted?
    Because, if I’m an Eagles fan, I’m TERRIFIED of Reid having a couple high draft picks. I’d much rather have someone else making those picks. But, from what I can tell, no one even mentioned it to Lurie.
    You’ve got to do a better job, Philly media.

  9. Not the least bit fucking surprised. I’d rather cheer for the Sixers than these overpaid, greedy, fucking jackasses. Lurie and Banner are the fucking biggest jokes.
    Hey Jeff, you know what happens at MY place of employment when someone is “dissapointing”, “unacceptable”, and “terrible”?
    But nope, let’s keep Reid. As Einsten once said, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”
    See ya next year fucker.

  10. Watch, now he’ll have a great year and lose in the NFC Championship or lose in the Superbowl and we’ll never get rid of him…which doesn’t sound to bad, but it still means not winning when it counts.

  11. I’m curious to see how many “Bleed Green” Eagles fans that have all of the sudden joined forces to call for the Big Man’s firing will actually make a statement, and NOT give a fuck about the Eagles next year. Oh, that’s right. People like to spew shit from the mouth, but refuse to back it up. So, the Linc will still be packed from wall to wall next year. Jerseys will still sell, and games will still draw major advertisement $$, because… well, people need their football.
    I’m not a die-hard Eagles fan. In fact, I don’t really care one way or the other about football as a sport. But I do enjoy watching and routing for the Eagles during the winter months. However, I haven’t done so actively since ’06 or so. I made myself a promise then that I wouldn’t put any kind of emotion behind my following until they got a new QB/coach combo. I gave them a short chance again when 5 left, but it was short-lived when I realzied that Reid absolutely REFUSES to change his ways.
    Unfortunately, so long as the Philly faithful buy the shit product they’re sold, ownership will continue to refuse to chance a GAT damn thing.

  12. I am truly convinced that Andy will be gone when either a) he dies or b) when we die first. I believe it will be the latter….

  13. 8-and-8 didn’t make Jeff any less rich.
    Did anyone – REALLY – think Reid was getting fired today?
    We all know, the 14th season as a head coach is when things really start to gel. Couldn’t you tell in the 4th quarter against Dallas up 20-0 and he’s got his oft-injured $100 Million QB passing and passing and getting waxed by Demarcus Ware? And then he has arguably the best Eagles running back ever just off the X-ray machine running/limping the ball?
    That’s coaching baby ! 2012 – 13-3 – this is the year – I can’t frigging wait.
    Castillo has his sea legs – the D will light it up. Casey Matthews will be a household name.
    Just wait baby!!!!!

  14. @DXFlyers…you were making a great point until you compared it to the Flyers, who have without question the biggest blind faith fanbase in the city. All that stuff you said about fans continuing to buy the tickets, the apparel, the jerseys…same goes for Flyers fans. Are you honestly saying that at some point the Flyers fans stopped doing that? They’ve been doing everything that you said and allowing the team to “print money” since the last time the cup was skated around town and that was 30+ years ago now.

  15. keep going to the games and buying the merch you fucking retards, right now Lurie’s chauffer is pulling his benz into his mansion’s driveway thining about Christina’s freshly waxed beaver and an offseason trip to the south of france.

  16. Fuck the Eagles. I had more fun rooting against them this year hoping against hope that a shitty performance by “The Dream Team” would finally get Andy out of town. I’ll root against them next year too. Try it, it’s fun, you still have a reason to watch every week. Just do it anywhere but the Linc.

  17. It’s a vicious circle. Now the team is just gonna keep getting a little bit better each season, which will keep giving Lurie an excuse to keep Reid’s fat ass here, but ultimately, we will never be able to cross that threshold to a Superbowl victory. It’s the same thing that has been happening for 13 years, and Lurie’s inability to realize that, for whatever reason, says everything as to what’s wrong with this organization.

  18. Who would you bring in to replace Andy Reid? Jeff Fisher? Yeah…how many Super Bowls did he win in Houston/Tennesee? Tony Dungy? Who had Peyton Manning & Co to win his. John Gruden? Who won his Super Bowl with Dungy’s players. Bill Cowher? Whose only Super Bowl was against the worst team to be there (Seahawks) in the last 10 years. I guess Marv Levy is an awful coach cause he lost 4 Super Bowls in a row. Football is unlike every other major sport. There’s no best of 5, best of 7…it’s one and done, so anything can happen. I guess it’s also Andy’s fault that Vick holds onto the ball for 20 seconds every snap or Nnamdi wasn’t nearly as good as he was supposed to be.

  19. @Alfonso – your girl cheats on you and you stay with her dont ya? you order the same thing for breakfast every saturday don’t ya? your boss treats you like shit and you show up early everyday don’t ya? what actually gave you the mitivation to type a comment on a blog?

  20. If Reid does not have a double digit win season next year something is seriously wrong. They have great picks to get some young talent in the door and a whole off-season to address their defensive identity.
    While Desean can easily be seen as one of the top public enemies this year, the prospect of getting him back on the cheap could be a boon… if he gets his head right.

  21. This is the same guy who made V.I. Warshowski, the Gold Standard of detective movies(not.) OF COURSE he is a stupid douche who’s only interest is printing money!
    Stop giving him ratings, stop buying the merch, stop paying for tickets.
    You know, like we did when the NBA had a lockout and nobody noticed? Stop paying attention and then things will change. Till then, you’re stuck with Mr. Modesty, Old Fire Belly.

  22. You can cherry pick a few quotes and spin it any way you want…I generally believe he sounded pissed off. I also believe that if they don’t make the playoffs Andy is gone.

  23. andy sucks and so does juan. i tried to tell Jeff Lurie, but he left andy make the decision then too

  24. @MM Your comparisons make no sense. I guess you’re the type of person who thinks Trent Dilfer is better than Dan Marino cause he has a ring. You’re a fairweather fan who will be back in front of your TV in week 1 next season hoping that they lose, but by week 5 when they’re 4-1 you’ll be digging out your jerseys again.

  25. @Dezzy My point is that a year AFTER being in the Stanley Cup Finals then getting eliminated in the 2nd round Homer did something that shook the Flyers foundation.
    Eagles: same shit different day

  26. How do you follow these statement:
    “This was without question the most disappointing season in my tenure.”
    “After all the moves we made in the offseason and with our roster, it’s extremely disappointing and unacceptable to have the season over.”
    With this one:
    Andy Reid will return in 2014 (and continue to have final say on all personnel decisions).
    I guess failure is acceptable to Lurie (despite his quote above).

  27. “Being too caught up in final month’s success is fool’s gold.”
    I swear someone said this exact line last night on 94 WIP. Did Lurie listen to sports radio the night before his press conference? Funny if he did

  28. I get the irritation and frustration with Reid. He has not delivered what Eagles fans deserve. His press conferences suck and he has horrible game management. I get all of this but honestly IF he was fired who could actually replace him? Jeff Fisher? 16 years in Tennessee and shit to show for it? Jon Gruden? I don’t understand why people love him..I live in Tampa and trust me when I say he is a horrendous coach..ABSOLUTE GARBAGE..the only other possible estb. coach is Bill Cowher and too me he and Reid are about the same..if not for a fluke run in 06 he would have nothing as well. I say fire Castillo, bring in Spags, and give Reid ONE year and if still no ring then fire his ass and go from there.

  29. Wahwahwah who will you ever get to replace Andy Reid? Alphonso you’re a fucking idiot. Did you know Mike Tomlin’s name before he became the coach of the Steelers? How about Harbaugh and the 49ers, why’d they give that unproven loser a shot, huh? Get Andy’s ballbag out of your eyes and your head out of your ass. Your shit is weak.

  30. “Andy Reid has a ‘fire in his belly.'”
    That shook when he laugh’d, like a bowl full of jelly.
    – Moore’d

  31. Haha suckers I fooled Lurie again with another mediocre season!! Get ready for more play clock mismanagement and wasting of timeouts. You’d think I’d learn to value timeouts better in my 13th year but fuck it. I’m the footbal czar. I’m untouchable. Bet you bitches can’t wait to see what OL or DE I draft in the first round this year. And btw, no linebackers before round 5 hahaha!!!!

  32. Fire in his belly? More like indigestion when Andy realized that McNabb was the highlight of his career.

  33. Can we calm down a second here. I hate Laurie as much as the next guy and having that rangers thing there on monday really pisses me off…but I feel reid earned one more year to get it done…there were so many new personal changes there was bound to be a rough start and they finished strong even though it was a little too late…either way im pretty excited for next year

  34. Am I the only one here that thought everything Lurie said made sense? Andy has been just too good off of crap seasons to fire him after this one. Also, I thought Lurie’s tone made it pretty clear that if this happens again, Andy won’t make it through next time…


  36. Yo, Todd! I’m curious, what does Lurie do if the Birds finish say, 11-5 next season, win NFC East by a mile but lose embarrassingly in the first round again? Does he bring Reid back? I think he does, and that’s something nobody wants. After thirteen years (and counting) of being a bridesmaid, and sometimes, not even that much, this show has grown old and stale, this team is NOT going to win the big prize with Reid at the helm, plain and simple. By bringing Reid back for season fourteen, all Lurie is doing is perpetrating a fraud.

  37. @ThePhillyFlash how do you know that we’re just going to lose right away in the playoffs? Once you get there, it’s all a crapshoot. I mean, look at Green Bay last year. #6 seed and they win it all.

  38. Todd: I agree that Green Bay got red hot at just the right time and rode that lightning streak all the way to their Super Bowl win, beating among others during their playoff run, the number #3 seed that just so happened to have been the Eagles. Call me a glass half-empty cynic, but I have zero faith that Reid, his coaches (minus expected scapegoat Juan Castillo), or this current crop of players can repeat what the Packers had done. I just don’t see it. Why repeat this same sad show, knowing full well how it’s going to end?

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