Brendan Shanahan and His Teleprompter Suspend Zac Rinaldo Two Games

God I love his deadpan delivery. Here's a loose transcription:

Good evening. I’m Brendan Shanahan, senior cock-swinger and guillotine operator of the National Hockey League, based in Toronto. Sunday night in Detroit, Michigan, USA, an incident occurred in the hockey game between the Philadelphia Flyers and the home Detroit Red Wings, for whom I used to play and am unabashedly biased towards. At 13:25:05:03:01:02 of the first period, Philadelphia Flyers forward and surprising 24/7 character Zack Rina…. I’m so sorry, this has never happened to me before– ZAC Rinaldo. Who spells it without a K? I mean, the fuck? Lord Bettman is going to shit on me for this. Let’s try again. At 13:25:05:03:01:02 of the first period, Philadelphia Flyers forward and surprising 24/7 character Zac Rinaldo launched himself to deliver a hit against Red Wings defenceman Jonathan Ericsson. Ericsson, spot-shadowed here even though he’s the only player in the zone at the moment, skated toward the corner to retrieve the puck, a rubber disk frozen before games to prevent bouncing. Meanwhile, Zac with a C skates on a direct line toward Ericsson with a flicker of anger in the lifeless holes that used to contain his menacing stare. It is at this point that Ericsson, whose children frequently have play dates with my own kids at Red Wings family and alumni functions, where they play atop the stains of the 1997 Stanley Cup celebration in the familys' quarters, reverses the puck to avoid the oncoming force of death that is ZaC Rinaldo. A true hero, Ericsson has the guts to perform this move even though it forces him to face the boards as Rinaldo approaches with a sharpened knife. Ericsson is absolutely eligible to be hit in this situation, but C-

man launches himself, as highlighted here by our bored spot-shadow team comprised of three Canadians who were conditioned from birth to hate the colors orange and black. As you can see, Rinaldo’s skate is still in contact with the frozen surface known as ice. Scratch that, we Photojobbed these and actually made Rinaldo comma Zac C appear to hover above the surface like the fallen angel that he is. This is charging. Although Ericsson should have been more prepared to absorb a hit from the Angel of Death, and even though he put himself in the worst possible position here, Rinaldo, by leaving his feet – as was Photojobbed by our fat, virginal video ninjas – committed an egregious charge. Rinaldo is listed as five inches shorter than Ericsson, yet at the point of contact, the Angel of Death’s shoulder was even with the shoulder of our protagonist. Rinaldo was also fined eight days earlier, twice, by me, because I’m empowered to do whatever the hell I please, for a late hit and a slew foot, something that I completely made up for the 2011-2012 season. You like it? I bet you do. Although Ericsson suffered no apparent injury on the play and remained in the game, I have taken into account the fact that our children play together and his wife promised mine a potential wild swingers sexfest. To summarize, this is an illegal hit by which we manipulated video to make it appear worse than it was. By NHL rules, we can do that. So it’s charging. Just shut up– it’s a charge. Based on Zacy C’s recent history for committing crimes that I’ve made up, and because I really want to give Ericsson’s wife a slew foot of a very different variety, I have suspended Zac Rinaldo for two games. – SHIELD –