Hey, Let’s Make Fun of People: Ovechkin’s Bracket, Bryce Harper (Of Course), and a Well-Placed Ville Leino Joke

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This here is Alex Ovechkin’s NCAA bracket, which look more like a half-assed flow chart… or the final quarter of a bowl of Cheerios. Ooooooooooooo.

Photo taken by reporter Joel Ward, via SB Nation

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Photo: GQ

– Bryce Harper was interviewed for GQ Magazine and said things that were, predictably, douchey:

Now that Harper's the one hurt, he takes a hop-step out of the box. Again: "Fuuuuuuck!!!" A violent toss of his custom-made Marucci bat—inscribed with LUKE 1:37 ("For with God nothing shall be impossible")—across the batting cage. "Fuck it, I'm done." Harper shakes his hands vigorously and shoves them into a pile of infield dirt adjacent to the cage. "I didn't know I was hitting today, and I don't have my goddamned gloves," he says. "It hurts like a dick." 

In other words: Harper is awesome—exactly what baseball needs. He's essentially a throwback: a cocky, ornery cuss who can back it all up. Ty Cobb minus the racism and chaw, Lenny Dykstra before the bankruptcy. He tells me Pete Rose, a.k.a. Charlie Hustle, is his favorite player and that "I want to play the game hard. I want to ram it down your throat, put you into left field when I'm going into second base."

 

Bryce Harper is 19.

Full GQ article here

– Finally, we’ll conclude this brief installment with a screenshot of the Wikipedia entry for Valuation (finance), specifically the “new asset value method” section: [thanks to reader Justin]

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You can click to enlarge. It reads: Professional sports has a different net asset value method which sometimes can break down and cause team to make horrible decisions while signing players (see Buffalo Sabres/Ville Leino).

I’m not usually one for posting wild Wikipedia entries, but the fact that someone went through the time to throw a Ville Leino joke into a quite serious entry for Valuation makes me laugh. Also, it’s 100% accurate.

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22 Responses

  1. As long as we’re making fun of Nats players, you should post the video from today of Wang almost blowing out a leg trying to put one foot in front of the other.

  2. Why all the hatin’ on Bryce?
    C’mon, the kid is 19. I saw him play at Harrisburg last year. He’s got the skills. What 19 year old you know isn’t a dick?
    If he were on the Phils, we’d be jerking off to his Topps card every night.
    The fact that in every story you refer to him as a douche – cements the fact that all us Phils fan wish we had him on OUR team.

  3. Please for the love of god someone photoshop a cock in that cock’s mouth.
    And the wiki entry is fantastic.

  4. fuck that asshole, i bet he is way more racist than ty cobb. Also: People whose favorite players were finished playing before they were born are dicks, and that’s science.

  5. Does he only own one pair of batting gloves? This kid is going to be hated on so much.
    Oh and Matt, of course we’d like him, just like we’d love it if we had drafted Crosby or Lebron, but we didn’t. So now we hate them. He’s NOT on our team.

  6. Jesus! I’m betting Bryce could swallow a rhinoceros dick with very little trouble. If baseball doesn’t work out for the kid, I could see him becoming the next great gay porno star with that maw.

  7. One more thing, Matt, I’d love to have Bryce in Phillies pinstripes, no doubt about that, but chances are 150 percent that neither Ruben, Charlie or the veterans in the clubhouse would let that kid act like such a smacked ass. The only reason he’s getting away with his nonsense is because the gNats need press in the worst way, and having Bryce behave like the fool he is fills that prescription.

  8. I would straight knock Harper out if he ever mouthed off to me.
    3 Finger Lenny Iron Grip to the eyes mother fuckers

  9. “It hurts like a dick.”
    I’m guessing Bryce Harper is pretty familiar with how taking a dick feels, huh?

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