Eulogizing the 2011-2012 Penguins

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I was given the honor of eulogizing the 2011-2012 Penguins for Yahoo!’s Puck Daddy blog.  

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the site’s running series of eulogies, they are roasts for each team eliminated from the playoffs, written by bloggers from a rival team’s city. Often they are penned with tongue planted firmly in cheek, and filled with obscure references that only NHL diehards would get.

I went in a different direction.

Had I been asked to write one about the Rangers or Bruins – teams that are much easier to joke about, partly because you can respect them – I may have gone that route. Instead, I was mean. 

Like most of you, I genuinely hated the 2011-2012 Penguins. They not only underachieved, but also found a way to embarrass themselves by playing a brand of hockey that displayed what happens when your organization lacks direction, leadership, coaching, and, really, respect for the game.

It’s long, and not meant to be particularly funny. But it’s mean. Because I don’t like them.

Do read.

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59 Responses

  1. The Sharks and Red Wings had me actually laughing. I was waited for this one. Such anticipation, only to be let down. Too long and not enough comedy. Should’ve stayed w/in the framework of the others. This delivered like MAF in this post season.

  2. Wow! Sorry, Kyle. I was really looking forward to passing this to my Pittsburgh friends, but that wasn’t very good.

  3. I usually don’t take anything the commenters on this site have to say seriously, but seeing the very odd circumstance in which four people agree here… I’ll take their word and won’t even bother reading it.
    Can you get a mulligan?

  4. article was horrible. as stated above, teh fact that you had geno as the leading goal scorer was completely embarrassing and goes to prove that, like most hockey fans in this city, you are a flyers fan and not a fan of hockey

  5. Do you ever fact check your work? Things like this only further embarrass our fans in the national spotlight.

  6. This got me angry again, like I was waiting for Game 7 because Crosby cried to the NHL that the system doesn’t work.
    Then I remembered that this was the planet Earth, and I didn’t have plans to go pony trekking with Jimi Hendrix under the sea.

  7. Meh! Sorry, Kyle, but that piece wasn’t all that. You should’ve gone with laughs, cheap jokes and cheap shots. Would’ve worked out better in the long run.

  8. You should get Wheels and T-Mac to narrate that piece of shit
    NO LOVE,
    Not Actually Beez Nutz

  9. Not sure you needed to spend half of the thing talking about the offseason. ANd you could have been funny and witty and still landed insults and meaningful assesments of the pens/pen’s fans douchery at the same time.
    Also…I’m not sure what insulting the actual city of Pittsburgh does other than reinforce the negative stereotype about Philadelphia and it’s fans.

  10. It’s almost unanimous that this article missed the mark by a wide margin. Judging by the word count, it’s not for lack of trying. Maybe that’s part of the problem.
    “Yinzers” and “Dan Bylsma’s glasses” should be added to the list of phrases that you never again use in writing. You know, the same list that includes “Cinco Ocho.”

  11. Hate to pile on, but this was a rambling, misguided mess… which could be fitting, given that the Flyers-Penguins series was also a rambling, misguided mess. Still, you should have sat on that novella overnight and cut it down by at least half.
    P.S. The Fleury beach ball Photoshop is great. ZWR FTW.

  12. I love me some Pittsburgh hate but I think this article can be summed up in two phrases- “oh wells” and “whatevs”. Psh.

  13. I had no idea what a yinzer was until this google search. you may have seen it many times but it was my first. I like Pittsburgh even less.


  14. I laughed a few times, any article, esp one many nuetral fans will read that shows what Shittsburgh is all about I can enjoy.
    It’s so nice to see them lose.

  15. Still waiting for Kyle’s narcissistic ass to show up in the comments and tell you all that you dont know shit about writing – or anything else for that matter. Perhaps, he’s finally been grounded… that, or he’s brainstorming excuses about how he was too busy to really try. Pretty embarrassed as a Philly fan. Stick to fashion news and copy/pasting tweets.

  16. Haven’t commented in a while. That was horrible though. Real disappointed. Possibly even more disappointed then I am with the Phillies.

  17. Hate to pile it on, but that eulogy sounds like you wrote it high on midol and four loko.
    You’ve proven to have some decent schtik in the past, but this was a mega miss.
    It wasn’t even mean.

  18. I thought I would feel happy after reading a Penguins Eulogy, but you managed to make me feel mad again. Not what I wanted

  19. How hard is it to go to Espn.com and click on NHL > Stats? Stamkos 60 goals, Malkin 50. Seems like this piece was just pushed through hastily.

  20. This was abominable. The best comment from the article on Yahoo… “is it too late to get Broad Street Hockey to re-do this?”.
    Well on the bright side I guess you should be commended for making it through an entire post (novel?) without referencing some guys dick, or Cliff Lee pissing on something. At least I think you did, I couldn’t make it a quarter of the way through that rant.
    Don’t let facts get in the way of a horribly misguided attempt at a story. Did you even read any of the previous eulogies that were posted?

  21. Also “oh wells” and “whatevs”….are you a 14 year old girl? Christ man…between that and your poor attempt at throwing a ball on FOX the other morning you’re an embarrassment.

  22. You know how much of an immature douche you look like by constantly insulting the actual city of Pittsburgh? I’m sure parts of it suck but that’s the case with every city. If you haven’t noticed, there’s shitty parts of Philly too, but I’d guess you would have had to leave Villanova’s campus to understand. Grow up and stick to the sports.
    The Eulogy was shit too by the way, you really know how to piss on a good time

  23. Insulting other cities is fair game. The other eulogies hurled insults at Detroit and Northern California. Of course, the other eulogies also had a better balance of humor and mean spirit in less words.
    Kyle, were you born within the city limits? I’m thinking it would help us Flyers fans if we could just write this article off thusly: “Kyle Scott? He doesn’t really speak for us. That douche is from Warminster.” (Nothing against Warminster.)

  24. KYLE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. FIGHT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BE THERE I OR BE SQUARE… CHUCKIE CHEESE IN PITT. ME AND GENO WILL BE BY THE WHACK-A-MOLE AND GETTING PIZZA

  25. hey,
    my glasses are custom fit to my head shape. I like long walks in the rink before games. i also think pittsburgh stinks but they pay the bills so hey what can i say. I am putting Fleury on the trade block, just sent a text to VAN GM for luongo straight up… almost a done deal…he wants some beachballs to make marc-andre feel at home. i will include them.

  26. New euology on its way since this one was not up to par… oh wells…. will be up by mid morning Wed. Hope you all enjoy, if not, do not come to my site anymore… do not need you…do not want you.

  27. kyle, bro, this was awesome. These other guys are egnoramuses and do not know good writig. keep it up!
    JKKKKKKKKKK JAWN WAS HORRID

  28. so he throws like a drunk special olympian and writes like Bill Conlin at a teenage sleepover, so what! We love the site Kyle…

  29. I dig it.
    EULOGY
    They were a group of petulant children. They will not be missed nor will they be mourned. From Gary Bettman’s daughter’s incessant whining, diving, menstruating, to Malkin’s ugly fucking FACE and Fleury’s imitation of 2011 Bryzgalov…none of it deserve’s anymore attention. Claude Giroux stabbed them in the face with a rusty screwdriver while the whole world watched and loved it…and in Pittsburgh zero fucks were given. Why? Because truth be told, their fans don’t really give a fuck about their team.
    Rest in Pieces…Kansas Cit…I mean Pittsburgh Penguins.
    FACE

  30. Kyle, I’m a relative new-comer to the site, but in that short period of time, I’ve really enjoyed everything you’ve written. That being said, it seems to me that this would have been much better as a Crossing Broad post than a Puck Daddy eulogy. Don’t get me wrong: I love being prejudiced against Yinzers and really enjoy your barbed humor, but that stuff seems best suited for Crossing Broad’s own Philly audience. I think going against the grain and forcing that homer humor on Puck Daddy’s national audience just wound up hurting the perception of our fan base. On any hockey article, the thumbs-up/thumbs-down almost ALWAYS go against the Pens, so it’s really something to see the response of your eulogy be so negative that it united a diverse fanbase in the Pens’ favor. It was a great read in my opinion; I just think it was posted in the wrong place at a high cost. Keep up the good writing, though.

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  32. That was like a Jeff Carter shot, way off target. Sorry Kyle, usually like all your posts but this was a painful read. Are you sure Drew didn’t write it? You could just throw him under the bus since he is an employee of yours

  33. By the way, the thing in the Giroux jersey looks like the teacher in southpark that was all burnt up by Trent Boyett

  34. I gotta say the Talbot “***** Penis” reference from 24/7 was funny and the constant bashing of the Pens fans was a bit enjoyable, but it was too long….I think that should have been your first draft, and from there, cut it up, take pieces out, fact check (league leader in goals blunder), and come out with something 50-60% the size. Otherwise it was funny enough to enjoy….

  35. Kyle, did you really tell your readers who diagree with your post to leave your site? I love Crossing Broad, but you’re acting like the Penguins after game 3. They embarassed their own fans yet tried to justify it; you embarassed your fans (and the city of Philadelphia) yet tell us to leave. Quit acting like a petulant child. You might want to smear on some testoterone gel, because your estrogen level is approaching Crosby’s; for someone who likes to dish it out, you sure can’t take it.

  36. The fact that you guys are all butt hurt about this not being funny is just flat out annoying. It’s not a CB post, it’s a yahoo post. He was supposed to eulogize the Penguins, and that’s exactly what he did. I think this is great. It does a pretty good job of exposing the Penguins for what we all realized them (if we hadn’t already) to be this post season: fakes. Frauds. Bastards. Good job Kyle. Really, this is good.

  37. Nick, apparently you’ve never seen a roast before; each insult should be funny. Kyle’s weren’t. As for attacking the city of Pittsburg and the Penguins’ fans, he lost any moral authority to be outraged when others take shots at Philly and our fans. You have exposed yourself to be as childish as Kyle.

  38. He made it clear up front that it wasn’t supposed to be funny. This wasn’t a roast, it was a eulogy. It was truthful and honest. And I love how you call me childish even though you’re the one complaining because something didn’t make fun of another team. lol This is amazing. You people latch onto everything that is written way to tightly. It’s an article. If you didn’t like it, MOVE ON.

  39. Nick you are to use your term “flat out” retarded. It said right above Kyle’s post, “Also: This is a roast and you will be offended by it, so don’t take it so seriously.” So now, not are you retarded, but you can’t read as well

  40. Damnit post fail… “not only are you retarded, but you can’t read as well” oh well, you’re still an idiot

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