Hunter Pence Redeems Himself, His Ex-Girlfriend Live Tweets Her Emotions, And More!

Screen Shot 2012-05-15 at 7.03.51 PM
We shall call this the Kim Batiste GameAny game in which an ace starter gives you seven or more stellar innings only to see his lead vanish thanks to shitty relief pitching and an awful error, but the team prevails when the goat (not Wilson Valdez) redeems himself in walk-off fashion. 

Cliff Lee pissed eight innings of excellence. His stream, golden-hued, frothy and uninterrupted. 

It was beautiful.

His fastballs gently rubbed the outside corner. His changeups deployed their parachutes mid-flight. And his curve balls left rainbow trails while tiny gnomes, along for the ride, mooned batters as their spaceships dipped into pots of gold shaped like Brian Schneider’s catcher’s mitt. It was all quite homoerotic, actually. Beautiful. But homerotic.

Anyway, Chad Qualls and Hunter Pence shit on Lee’s excellence without so much as a courtesy flush.

Those who skipped work or have nonsensical jobs like me: Raise your hand if you knew Qualls was going to hock up a two-run ninth inning lead?

raises arm in an erect fashion

So did Lee. Look at his face after he finished off the Astros in the eighth:

Screen Shot 2012-05-15 at 7.08.55 PM

He knew it. He fucking knew it.

Of course Jonathan Papelbon would be unavailable on the one days he’s actually needed. Yet when J.D. Martinez hit a two-out single to right field in the ninth, the Phillies were given a gift. The gift of life: pinch-runner Brian Bogusevic – the tying run – stopped at third, preserving the lead for the Phillies.

He stopped at third until Pence managed to squirt the ball out of his throwing hand like a frightened prisoner handling soap during his first communal shower at the state penitentiary. 

Slip. Run scored. Me, doubled over in front of my TV like a frightened pr… never mind.

Game, tied. Lead, blown. Lee, winless, pissing into the wind.

Luckily, rookie Jake Diekman, who looks like a cross between Ryan Madson and a serial killer (not mutually exclusive) spliced with Timothy McVeigh and a character from Children of the Corn - my preferred appearance for relievers – was able to shut the Astros down for the rest of the ninth and the tenth innings.

Screen Shot 2012-05-15 at 6.57.12 PM
Mows down hitters, eats them

In the bottom of the tenth, enter Pence, who was reprising the role of 1993 Kim Batiste as he hit his second home run of the day:

Screen Shot 2012-05-15 at 7.12.15 PM

Screen Shot 2012-05-15 at 7.12.05 PM

You got two of them, kid. Now go eat.

Brett Myers, who looks like he’s gained 50 pounds and six tattoos, gave up the walk-off blast, but he didn’t think it looked like trouble off the bat:

"I honestly thought it was going to fall in front of the left fielder or possibly a sliding catch. I didn't think he hit it good at all."


Pence’s ex-girlfriend, Lindsay Slott, an Astros fan with whom Hunter broke up just weeks after being traded to the Phillies, gave running commentary on Pence’s up-and-down afternoon.

First, the fielding gaff:

Screen Shot 2012-05-15 at 4.20.05 PM
Screen Shot 2012-05-15 at 4.20.05 PM
Screen Shot 2012-05-15 at 4.20.05 PM


Then, the home run:
Screen Shot 2012-05-15 at 4.20.05 PM
Screen Shot 2012-05-15 at 4.20.05 PM


– Vance Worley will miss tomorrow’s start with elbow soreness. Kyle Kendrick will start tomorrow in Chicago…

Video of Lee’s 10 strikeout performance. On the season, he has a 1.95 ERA, 34 K, 4 BB, a 0.76 WHIP and no wins.


24 Responses

  1. Lindsay Slott is a stone cold fox. Who cares what she tweets, leave her alone.

  2. Lindsay Scott should get over hunter, get off twitter & get her ass back in the kitchen.

  3. Lindsay is a very sweet girl, she is never negative. Just leave her alone already! She watches a lot of baseball, this has nothing to do with her and hunter. The minute someone jokes about their PAST relationship people freak out over it. Get a life

  4. StephL- shes obviously obsessed with hunter.
    Now get off this site & back to the laundry. This is a men’s only site. Beat it

  5. To think that that goofball gets all that tail just b/c he’s a ballplayer…smh. He looks like an overgrown muppett. If I were a baseball player I’d make Derek Jeter look like that old craterface math teacher in the mexican movie.

  6. Lindsay Slott is smokin’ hot & she seems real chill looking at her tweets. The chick he left her for looked like a real dirtball – strip club quality.

  7. Phil from Mt.Airy wouldn’t post here – he’s too busy kissing Adam Aron’s asschecks. How is Phil on the air? He is less knowledgable than the majority of the fanbase, he’s a clueless know-it-all, and a Sixers ass-kisser. He sucks – GET OUT! GET OUT!

  8. If you look in the later innings I guess from sweat, you can see Cliff is wearing that BOOM shirt again.

  9. That shirt should say “DOOM” instead of “BOOM”
    This season is cooked.
    Shutup Macnow’s burger – 610 is almost as bad as Phil from Mt.Airy

  10. Diekman looks like the child of Lindsay, after Carts and HP both came in her.

  11. Carts stuffed it in Lindsay’s Slott during the offseason.

  12. Being as I was stuck at work yesterday and didn’t see or hear anything more than pitch-by-pitch on, it was somewhat misleading to see all the social network posts about how shitty Chad Qualls blew the save and needs to go…
    I should’ve known better than to trust the Illadelphian PHaithful… PH, count it. ONE!
    Grant it, the ball that got by Jimmy wasn’t exactly routine… but 3 or 4 years ago, it’s played well. Pair that with Hunny Poo’s dropped ball, and well… Yeah, ok. You’re right. Qualls shouldn’t have let the ball get hit. How dare he toss up anything hitable.
    And while we’re on it… Blanton sucks, right? He needs to go back to… well, wherever he was before he was a Phillie (say it with me now, PHaithful… OAK-LAND). How dare he pitch like a #2 or 3 guy (or… as I like to call it, like he’s healthy) when he’s supposed to be a #5?

  13. Joey Baps,
    Qualls has given up 18 hits in 13 innings. His K to Walk ratio is 1.5. Which is horrible if you don’t know what it means. Qualls has been terrible for Philly. He’s on pace for having his absolute worst season ever and he wasn’t that good to begin with.
    Blanton is ok by me too, we can agree on that.

  14. Are you kidding!? Who WANTS johnathan papelbon to pitch he sucks he wasnt needed for anything, especially recently when he allowed four runs In the bottom of the ninth, losing the three run lead, literally get booed off the mound, make a crude gesture to the crowd, and finally be ejected and suspended anyway for doing that

Comments are closed.