Joe Blanton Pitches Complete Game Shutout (SIC), Conducts Post-Game Interview on Exercise Bike, and Shane Victorino Would Like to “Shove it Up [Bryce Harper’s] Butt”

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Let me tell you how I lost 28 pounds in three weeks

Joe Blanton threw a three-hit shutout today.

You read that correctly. 

Blanton was in full-on beast mode, never mind the fact that it was a noon start time on getaway day after a long 11-inning affair and hitters were likely tired as shit. Never mind that.

His stats: 

9 IP, 3 H, 6 K, 0 BB, throwing only 86 pitches, 67 of which were for strikes. 

My word. 

So, what does our (favorite?) pudgy pitcher do after an outing that T-Mac and his limited vocabulary described as a “heckuva performance?" Well, Blanton conducts his post-game interview while riding the stationary bike with Lonely Island's I Just Had Sex blasting in the background. 

Video via (@DavidHaleTNJ

I’m not fat, guys. See– not fat. Still riding. Moving.  Need… air.

Meanwhile, in other post-game comments news, Shane Victorino talked about Bryce Harper and the upcoming TAKE BACK OUR PARK BECAUSE THE PHILLIES ARE COMING AND WE'RE A BUNCH OF DOPES series in the nation's capital: [via Delco Times beat writer Ryan Lawrence]

"What I like so far of what I’ve seen is the way he’s playing the game. He’s playing it hard. He’s running balls out. He’s doing those kinds of things… Is that going to stop? I don’t know but from what I’ve seen so far of his big league performance I love the fact he’s playing the game hard. That’s important to me.. Oh, I’m here. But don’t get me wrong. I want to shove it up his butt when I see him this week. I want to take it to him."


Let's go with a choose your-own-adventure joke here:

A) You wouldn't be the first one, Shane.


C) Brycecakes always did kind of seem like a little bitch.

D) Aloha.

Either way, we'll look forward to that.


17 Responses

  1. I was also going to comment on the Lonely Island featuring Akon ditty playing throughout the interview.

  2. Well, who’d a thunk that Fat Joe would pitch more like Roy Halladay than Roy Halladay, riding to the Phillies’ rescue after last night’s debacle? Certainly not me! Big props to Mr. Blanton!

  3. The Mayans were right. I still don’t believe it was real. WTF is going on anymore???

  4. People still watch the phillies? Has anyone heard the song that girl wrote for me? I banged her in the back seat of my car.. will not be walking right for days… G

  5. If KK follows this up with an equally strong performance, the world will definitely end.

  6. Last night Shane got all hyped up when Bryce was doing a post game interview, he must really hate him!

  7. What I take from that is Shane just came out as gay. It’s a beautiful thing … but Harper doesn’t swing that way, so Victorino will have to keep pounding Pence.

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