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Let me tell you how I lost 28 pounds in three weeks

Joe Blanton threw a three-hit shutout today.

You read that correctly. 

Blanton was in full-on beast mode, never mind the fact that it was a noon start time on getaway day after a long 11-inning affair and hitters were likely tired as shit. Never mind that.

His stats: 

9 IP, 3 H, 6 K, 0 BB, throwing only 86 pitches, 67 of which were for strikes. 

My word. 

So, what does our (favorite?) pudgy pitcher do after an outing that T-Mac and his limited vocabulary described as a “heckuva performance?" Well, Blanton conducts his post-game interview while riding the stationary bike with Lonely Island's I Just Had Sex blasting in the background. 

Video via (@DavidHaleTNJ

I’m not fat, guys. See– not fat. Still riding. Moving.  Need… air.

Meanwhile, in other post-game comments news, Shane Victorino talked about Bryce Harper and the upcoming TAKE BACK OUR PARK BECAUSE THE PHILLIES ARE COMING AND WE'RE A BUNCH OF DOPES series in the nation's capital: [via Delco Times beat writer Ryan Lawrence]

"What I like so far of what I’ve seen is the way he’s playing the game. He’s playing it hard. He’s running balls out. He’s doing those kinds of things… Is that going to stop? I don’t know but from what I’ve seen so far of his big league performance I love the fact he’s playing the game hard. That’s important to me.. Oh, I’m here. But don’t get me wrong. I want to shove it up his butt when I see him this week. I want to take it to him."


Let's go with a choose your-own-adventure joke here:

A) You wouldn't be the first one, Shane.


C) Brycecakes always did kind of seem like a little bitch.

D) Aloha.

Either way, we'll look forward to that.