Screen Shot 2012-05-04 at 11.59.51 AMPhoto by JDLand.com, via D.C. Sports Bog

There are many embarrassing things related to being a Nationals fan, and we’re not going to rehash them here (we’ve spent the last two months or so doing that). What we are going to do, however, is point and laugh at the latest effort by the Nats to manufacture the perfect, passionately intense proud fan.  

Yesterday, the Nationals posted a “Fan’s Guide to NATITUDE Weekend” (yes, the style guides say it's capitalized) on their official blog, Curly W. Now, you might think that such a guide would include details about pre-game events, honorees, matchups, etc. No. No it doesn’t. It’s a guide on… how to be a fan of the Washington Nationals, providing surface-level information for fans to arm themselves with as knowledgeable Phillies fans #takeover.

The Phillies call this sort of thing "Baseball 101 Clinic for Women," and it's held once each season.

Some frighteningly amateurish, embarrassing, bush league, are you kidding me? highlights from the Nats guide:

Well, it’s finally here. Welcome to NATITUDE Weekend at Nationals Park, the first three-game set of the year against the rival Phillies. If you are planning to attend any (or all) of this weekend’s games, here’s a handy guide to help arm you with the NATITUDE you need to show the Philly fans who decided to make the trip south to Our Park that Washington is ready to turn the tide both on the field and off. 

 

The Nationals are off to a great start to 2012, and it helps to understand just how good they’ve been so far. As any Phillies fan will tell you, pitching is all-important in building a winner.

 

Were you aware that the Nationals beat Philadelphia, 10-8, in the season series in 2011, including the final five games?

 

There’s this guy named Bryce

They may boo him, but every opposing fan will have their eyes trained on home plate when 19 year-old Bryce Harper digs in. The outfielder turned in the first three-hit game of his young career on Wednesday, and is already altering games on defense with his cannon of an arm. Make sure you’re in your seat when Harper bats – you just might witness a piece of history.

 

Root, root, root for the home team

Bring your passion and energy to Our Park to cheer for the Nats. It’s going to be a fun, rowdy environment for sure, so bring your yelling voice. But should you run into some unruly visiting fans, don’t worry about wasting it on them. Let them regale you with stories about their .500 ballclub, and about how good they used to be. You know, in the past. Just take the high road and Ignite Your NATITUDE to support the NL East-leading Nats, the most exciting young team in baseball. 

 

Phew, I was ready for that to explain why a stolen base doesn’t land a player in jail. 

In case you needed any more anecdotal evidence of the type of pure, unadulterated passion Nats fans will be bringing to the baseball court (that’s what it’s called, right?), here’s Kenny Dixon, as described by Philly.com:

Kenny Dixon, 34, is a Marine from Georgia stationed in Quantico, Va. A season-ticket holder, he attended Wednesday's game with his wife and three kids and admitted he is an Atlanta Braves fan who also loves the Nationals.

He does not enjoy the annual invasion of Phillies fans.

"When the Phillies come into town, [their fans] sit out there and drink all day and they are just a bunch of idiots," Dixon said. "Honestly, if I was in Philadelphia to watch a game, I'd wear a Phillies T-shirt and go to the game and watch it because . . . when in Rome. 

 

Yeah, see, when in Rome, we wear this: 

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We also don’t need to be reminded who bats third for our team.