Chad Qualls Would Prefer a Trade, Mr. Amaro

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"Chad… Chad, we're breaking up with you. You're horrible in bed and have a small penis."

"Well, can you at least set me up with one of your friends?"

"No, Chad."

It turns out, Chad Qualls may be more unlikable than you first thought.

Speaking to reporters today, Qualls said that, upon hearing the news that he was designated for assignment, he asked the Phillies to be traded.

According to reports, Qualls was not happy with his treatment, saying: [via and CSNPhilly]

"I asked Ruben to trade me and that's basically what he's trying to do," Qualls said. "I think they have eight to 10 days to try to do that, so right now he just kind of said that I'm in baseball limbo. They wanted a little bit more consistency. Hopefully, the move is better for the team."

"I felt like I had been throwing the ball well all June," Qualls said. "I had only given up runs in two outings this June. No excuses for (Wednesday). I felt like I was throwing the ball better, but the organization felt like they wanted to make a move and that's fine."

“I expect a lot more out of myself. I could have thrown the ball a lot better while I was here. I could have been more consistent. I don't want to say I'm a scapegoat or anything like that. This is just the move the organization wants to make."

“I feel like I'm a big-league pitcher,” Qualls said. “I've been doing this a long time. If I go out there yesterday and actually have a 1-2-3 inning, we're not having this conversation at all. It's a little weird that we're here.”


It’s also a little weird the way Qualls combs his hair. But we’re not bringing that up, are we?

If Qualls isn’t traded or claimed on waivers, the Phillies can either assign him to the minors or release him. If the overweight pitcher were to decline an assignment to the minors, he would forfeit roughly half of his $1.15 million salary.

When addressing the prospect of trading Qualls, Amaro replied, presumably smugly: “At this point, there has not been any interest out there.”

I'm sure the Big Poker is going to spend about a grand total of seven minutes trying to trade Qualls, with six of those minutes consisting of Amaro looking in the mirror and flexing his muscles.


11 Responses

  1. What the fuck would they get for Qualls? I wouldn’t trade the pile of change in my cars cupholder for Clown Shoes Qualls. I’m a better pitcher then he is and haven’t thrown a baseball since I was 16, 11 fucking years ago!

  2. No one wants this slob “I felt like I had been throwing the ball well all June” my ass, every time he touched the mound he made a terrible mess for some unfortunate (and more likely then not, equally untalented) soul to make a feeble attempt to clean up. Good riddance, I only wish I went to more games so far this season so I could boo him more often.

  3. Qualls, you fuck ass. Its not just one time. Its every time you come out and pitch everyone collectively holds our breath praying you don’t blow the game. And then you blow the game. Piss off and good riddance to you.

  4. Qualls pisses on the bathroom floor more than in the toilet.

  5. RAJ should not be spending anytime looking in the mirror flexing his muscles. If anything he should be looking in the mirror scratching his head thinking, “Man what was I thinking this offseaon? Maybe I should have actually been paying attention to Gillick those last couple years he was grooming me.”

  6. “f I go out there yesterday and actually have a 1-2-3 inning, we’re not having this conversation at all.”
    But that’s the point Chad, you didn’t do that and you haven’t all year. Fuckin tard

  7. Oh damn, welllll, better luck next time, Chad! (How old is your son? Does HE play hockey?)

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