Morning Wood: Three

Screen Shot 2012-09-13 at 9.04.27 AMvia (@DannyMiles123) 

I’m a man of my word. You asked, I Wooded.

Screen Shot 2012-09-13 at 8.15.44 AM
Screen Shot 2012-09-13 at 8.15.44 AM
Screen Shot 2012-09-13 at 8.15.44 AM
Screen Shot 2012-09-13 at 8.23.01 AM

Good, now that that’s over– let’s get weird. 

The Phillies are three goddamn games back of the #FifthandFinal Wild Card spot. Three. 

I turned 29 on August 15. The Phillies finished that day with a record of a 54-63– 10 games behind the Pirates and Cardinals for the #FifthandFinal Wild Card spot. 10. 

It wasn’t much better on September 1. The Phillies finished that day at 64-69– eight games back of the Cardinals for the #FifthandFinal Wild Card spot. Rookies were getting extended looks, pitchers were being pulled early, and we hated Jimmy Rollins. The End of Days was here, and it wasn't pretty.

Today, the 13th of September, 2012, the Phillies are three games back of the Cardinals for the #FifthandFinal Wild Card spot. They have won seven straight. Seven. The Cardinals and Dodgers have each lost three straight. The Pirates? Six. Only the surging Brewers have kept pace with the Phillies, winning three in a row and seven of their last 10. In fact, only the Brewers (20-7) and A’s (21-5) have better records than the Phillies (18-8) since August 15. That’s right, this heaping pile of slop, discarded to the bin of unwantedness, has the third best record in Major League baseball over the past month. Like my Wood (and yours?), they’re peaking at the perfect time, primed for an October climax… if they can get in.

Screen Shot 2012-09-13 at 8.22.00 AM

That was a long way to go for a sex joke, so let’s move on. 

Cliff Lee is back, pissing golden-hued streams of excellence not seen since August of 2011. He’s given up only five earned runs in his past five starts – #FifthandFinal – striking out 32 while allowing only three walks. Yum.

Somehow, Chase Utley has gone from smooth operator to lovable goof. He’s tripping over his feet at second base and Supermaned this ho slide at third base yesterday. 

Jimmy Rollins, who Larry Bowa once said is a “Red Light player,” has his swag on high. He can fucking barrel roll his way down to first base for all I care (yeah, I’ve flipped and flopped). Watch as he blasts this ball yesterday, and surprisingly, T-Mac didn't ruin the call.

Ryan Howard is fat again, and that’s the best kind of Howard.

Kyle Kendrick. That’s all– Kyle Kendrick. 

And in an odd occurrence of the Universe realigning itself, Phillippe Aumont has power-moved his way into the majors and now joins the guy he was traded for, Clifton, in leading the Phils back from the depths of nothingness. I can’t even find a goofy analogy to accurately sum that up.

As noted by AP sports writer Rob Maadi, the Phillies' odds to win the World Series have gone from non-existent to reasonable:

Screen Shot 2012-09-13 at 8.23.54 AM

The teams in front of the Phillies: 

The Pirates? Haha. They’re falling fast and – since they’ve been bad for so long I’ve kind of forgotten this – they’re from Pittsburgh. I love fucking (verb) Yinzers. 

The Dodgers? Turmoil. LA Times writers are penning sarcastic pieces like this: [LA Times]

They are trailing 3-2. I can't believe it; our guys looked so good playing without a ball.

STOP THE PRESSES! We have Kemp leading off the ninth followed by the top two players acquired in trades. Your hometown newspaper applauds such promise.

Kemp grounds out to first.

No worries, we have Gonzalez, and who else would you want in a situation like this? OK, so maybe not Gonzalez because he takes a called third strike for the second straight night in the ninth.

But it's not his fault the umps have it in for him as he tells everyone later. And as his hometown newspaper now we'll overlook the crybaby antics.

Ramirez grounds out to end the game, but the important thing here is our team gave it their best. 



The Cardinals? Collapsing. And remember: they’re without Albert Pujols, Chris Carpenter, Lance Berkman (surgery), and Tony La Russa this year. 

And even the Nationals. They continue to be a Mickey Mouse club, as it’s now revealed that Stephen Strasburg will be available until the end of the season… to pinch hit

 The Phillies? They’re peaking at just the right time… and it’s making all of us hard. #FifthandFinal


38 Responses

  1. Phils have a lot more than ‘zero shot’. Of the five teams in the mix, seriously, based on past Septembers, experience, health, and schedules the Phillies actually have the best shot of all of the teams remaining. Get a clue!

  2. I love your morning wood son. LOVE IT! mmmm, now go get Mommy a cig and MD 20/20 for breakfast.

  3. Let me get this straight: The gNats are obsessed with protecting the prized arm of their precious wunderkind Stephen Strasberg by not allowing him to pitch for the rest of the season, but Davey Anorexia is thinking about using him as a pinch hitter? Seriously? I’d laugh my ass off if that actually came to pass and the kid either gets plunked in the head by a 90 plus MPH fastball or wrecks a knee or achilles on the basepaths.
    Meanwhile, nothing wrong with some real optimism about the Phils as they’re peaking at just thr right time while the teams ahead of them in the hunt for the second wild card are leaking oil big time.

  4. sock collection coming soon. phils suck. dodgers will win it all this year, wait and see pc out homies and homettes

  5. Hey Davey – remember Mark Prior? Yea, neither do we, but you might want to take note of the play that basically started the beginning of the end for good ol Mark – and it happened where? Not on the mound, but THE BASE PATH!
    But by all means, please go fug S.S. up – it would make the next 5-10 years MUCH easier for the Phils.

  6. Kendrick was never given a chance to establish himself as a starter. I always thought he could perform as a #4 or strong #5. Of course 2 years of having Doc and Cliff around seems to have improved his stuff too. Gotta wonder though if Charlie will let history repeat itself for the thirty-seventh time and relegate Kyle to the pen once again in the spring.

  7. Can’t wait to tailgate Sunday n try to finger the cheerleaders collecting money in the parking lot. Want a $100 sweetheart kiss my dick

  8. Kemo’s back is getting ready to go out, Dodgers are toast. Idiots are still playing the guy in center with victorino on the team.

  9. Lawdy what a peculiar feeling to have hope. Somebody check the shocks on the bandwagon, wouldn’t want anyone gettin hurt this weekend.

  10. 1. Morning Wood
    2. Hating on Nats obsessively
    3. Posters thinking we have a GREAT shot (in actuality its a 5.5% chance according to ESPN)
    4. Cliff Lee again pisses excellence and everyone loves him
    yup … we’re back at square one. Christ!
    I hate all of you
    NO LOVE,
    The Great Beez Nutz

  11. Beez, dont give us that 5.5 percent crap.
    that number was 0.3 two days ago. 3 days ago, what were the odds the phillies go 3-0 and the dodgers/cards/pirates go 0-15?
    we dont have a GREAT SHOT, but that POFF crap needs to go, son, forget it. just let cliff spray you and enjoy.

  12. @Candy from the Oak – I’ll be in my nice cozy suite watching the game at the linc, while your low-life butt will be in the parking lot begging for a tix. POS

  13. How amazing is that video of Rollins going yard! the 50 second mark… VISUAL AWESOMENESS! I have never seen Roy show that kind of emotion! EVER! Needless to say i am freaking PUMPED for this series with Houston! hope we keep rolling, and just slows our roll a lil bit cause the Dodgers are playing STL so they BOTH cant lose!

  14. Adam’s right that clip was the balls. Halladay and Cliff both getting hyped on a Jimmy Rollins HR… is fantasy wood for 20009 me before the first Lee trade.

  15. The remaining Nats schedule: Braves, Dodgers, Brewers, Phillies, Cardinals, Phillies – Nats could help reach the 1st Wild Card!!!

  16. It would only be fitting for the Phillies to make the second w.c. – win in a one game playoff vs the Braves, win the NLDS, then play the Nats in the NLCS. Man, that would be a blood bath!

  17. 10 games back everyone said they didn’t have a chance.
    8 games back everyone said they didn’t have a chance.
    5 games back everyone said they didn’t have a chance.
    Now at 3 games back some idiots are still pulling out the ole’ % talk of if they can make it or not. They just picked up 5 games in 13 days. Now you’re telling me they can’t pick up 3 more in 19 games? Anyone that knows or follows baseball wouldn’t make comments pertaining to any of that. The teams in front are all junk, including the team from LA that is giving away money hand over fist.
    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The only team I’m afraid of is the Brewers. Baseball is a game of hot teams at the right time. Ask the 2011 Cardinals or that 2011 Phillies team that had 102 wins.

  18. I think we need to adopt an unofficial song for this run the Phillies are making. I suggest “For Your Health” by The Word Alive, now I know this isnt “mainstream” music, but the part where they sing “we are still here,” is outstanding and fits perfectly. Reading this while listening to that song takes my morning wood to the max!

Comments are closed.