Frankenstorm May Kill Us All This Halloween, and John Bolaris is Here to Cover it for You

Screen Shot 2012-10-25 at 3.10.27 PM

You know that little storm, the perfectly named Hurricane Sandy, from the Caribbean? Yeah, well she’s about to screw you. 

At virtually the same moment today, a flurry of weather folks tweeted a link to the latest model, which predicts Sandy will take a westward track… right into your kitchen, on or around Tuesday morning. I'm calling its projected path the Cone of Death, but that's a working title.

Screen Shot 2012-10-25 at 3.13.46 PM

Screen Shot 2012-10-25 at 3.13.46 PM

Screen Shot 2012-10-25 at 3.13.46 PM

Screen Shot 2012-10-25 at 3.13.46 PM

The bad weather will start on Sunday and perhaps continue into Wednesday – Halloween – as Sandy expands into Frankenstorm. We’ll let a smart guy from the AP explain: [6 ABC]

The storm is a combination of Hurricane Sandy, now in the Caribbean, an early winter storm in the West, and a blast of arctic air from the North. They're predicted to collide and park over the country's most populous coastal corridor and reach as far inland as Ohio.


Yeah, it’s the Perfect Storm 2. 

And since it’s a somewhat slow sports time right now, we’re going to cover it. But shit, I don’t know anything about weather. You know who does, though? John Bolaris.

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I’ve been spam tweeting the out-of-work weatherman a quite-serious offer to bring his alarming rants and weather forecasts to Crossing Broad. He won’t answer. So, I've decided to cut out the middle man – basically me – and name J-Bo our weatherman for Frankenstorm, by bringing you his Tweets. Aggregated, of course.

Over to you, John: [lightly edited]

Hurricane Sandy winds 105 mph is moving through the central Bahamas North 16mph. The next 48hrs confident with track stay off Florida coast. However, by late Saturday night Sandy will start to head NE away from the coast. BUT huge blocking to North & vigorous trough to west will cont. At first slow down Sandy, also at this time 2 things will begin to unfold: Sandy will begin her transformation into a extratropical storm, meaning she loses her tropical traits, BUT continues to grow in size. Windfield expands, intensity remains same or even becoming more intense. As storm now will feed on baroclinic transformation, becoming a hybrid of great intensity (possibility of historical strength). Also, as she Interacts with trough (becomes negative), she now will start to bend back towards the east coast (nao is the most negative then it has been), helping to block a Northeast exit (still small window to exit east, but that window is closing quickly). BIG question is where exactly does this Perfect Storm 2 begin it's bend and how sharp, majority clustering is now starting to come around for a possible strike anywhere. From the Delaware Bay as far north as Eastern LI, with the overall center of the guidance putting it near Ocean county NJ by Halloween am. Talk about a Halloween nightmare. This storm has a bunch of rare atmospheric conditions coming together at once, hence the name Perfect Storm: #1 late season Hurricane, #2 Extremely high pressures across Greenland. #3 Extreme trough closing up turning negative & it's base getting cutoff. #4 Astronomical high tide takes place on Sunday. All this leads to deep concerns for the East coast from Norfolk to Philly, Nyc, capes.

Right now what we could experience along the shore would be Major tidal flooding (poss severe depending on track), beach erosion, hurricane force winds or gusts. Pounding rains & winds of long duration widespread power outages. Now keep in mind this isn't just a shore hit, across all major east coast cities could experience tropical storm force winds gusts 60 plus, not out of the question hurr gusts. Pounding rain & wind of over 24 hrs, flash flooding is likely & widespread, power outages, trees down, lines snap. With all this being said, still have another 48hrs to refine and say with much more certainty with what is going to happen or not. Standby.


Standing by, John. 

Stay tuned to CB for all your Frankenstorm updates. Now over to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa, who has a look at the dangers of plagiarism. Tricia?

Be sure to follow our own John Bolaris (@JohnBolaris)

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  • Ryan Howard October 25, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    That fucking faggot should be doing your site, what else is fucking doing.

  • Candy from the Oak October 25, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    Sheena looks like a girl who has a hairy A-hole and probably a fair amount of poop stain thongs

  • MM October 25, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    I’d like to break Romano’s teeth with my cock.

  • The Zapper October 25, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    I would love to finger Sheena’s asshole

  • Pete the Crab October 25, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    I saw boloris on walnut recently, looks like he’s in great shape, rested & ready to get back on tv & fuck some young pussy

  • Your Mother October 25, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    Bolaris is a stud in the sack. I know because I drugged him and fucked him with a strap on while in a gimp costume.

  • Your Mother October 25, 2012 at 3:48 pm

    MM and Zapper are disgusting ass pigs!!! Want my digits?

  • Sheena's Thong October 25, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    @candy ..We are not poop stained

  • Will October 25, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    Based on that nonsense writing, my guess is that the roofies have not worn off Mr. Bolaris.

  • Candy from the Oak October 25, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    my friends tagged Romano at WCU circa 1999, she was rocking Old Navy cargo pants

  • Chance- VP of the GnA Falcons October 25, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    Heard Tony Bruno is dating Sheena

  • Kevin Maas October 25, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    This article is so Candy Oak’s wheel house

  • Candy from the Oak October 25, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    Bolaris blows his brains out by next summer

  • whats that? October 25, 2012 at 4:24 pm

    an article in weather illustrated rated john bolaris the 4th most overrated weatherman based on 9 peoples votes.

  • Amanda October 25, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    Whoever hires John B will get a serious bump in ratings

  • PhotosbyMikeH October 25, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    And now to Ollie Williams with the blackie weather forecast…
    Philly’s screwed!

  • Kevin Maas October 25, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    storm is all hype

  • e October 25, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    If Amy Freeze isn’t a pornstar, I give up.

  • Tully Blanchard October 25, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    Amy Freeze sounds like a great weather women fake name

  • ThePhillyFlash October 25, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    Regarding Frankenstorm, to quote Dave Chappelle from Con Air, “We be fucked!”

  • Iron Mike Sharpe October 25, 2012 at 8:06 pm

    I would like to give sheena oral sex

  • Arthur from North Jersey October 25, 2012 at 9:34 pm


  • Murdock October 26, 2012 at 8:33 am

    @Iron Mike Sharpe I have heard that the hair is grotesquely coarse.

  • Seth MacFarlane October 27, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    @PhotosbyMikeH It’s blaccuweather forecast. Get it right you twat.

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