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This should hurt you.

Today Claude Giroux and his bromantastical buddy Danny Briere met with the German media in Berlin as they prepare for their first game in the Bundesliga, on Friday, with the Ice Bears. Roar! If G and Danny thought Tim Panaccio and his colleagues were tough, I can’t imagine what was going through their heads as reporters hurled questions at them in German. 

As you can see, Giroux looked anything but happy to be relegated to Germany and playing in a league he probably never heard of until last week. But Briere, who played in Switzerland during the last lockout, was much more verbose and genuinely seemed excited for the opportunity to play hockey overseas (and to use Giroux as his younger and better-looking sidekick to absolutely geslechtsverkehr broad-shouldered German beauties*).

They said that they researched leagues and talked to people before eventually coming to the conclusion that Germany would be the best fit. Briere mentioned how nice (and large) the team’s practice facility was, stopping just short of saying that it was better than the Flyers’ (really, he was this close to sticking that foot in his mouth). Giroux said that he watched video of the Ice Bears’ fans on YouTube (this one?) and thought they would be just as intense as Philly fans. Right. Sadly, G and Danny’s coach interrupted and answered in German before either could answer a question asking if they were going to live together in Germany.

But the best lines of the day didn't come from neither Giroux nor Briere. The pair’s new teammate, Daniel Weiss, said, “They’re better in real life than what they are in NHL 13 on PlayStation." And when the team's coach talked about Giroux's request to play on the power play: "We figured we might be able to find some place in there for him."

I call bullshit on that NHL 13 claim– G is an absolute force in the game and the beneficiary of the cover bump. That’s not to take anything away from him, but saying he’s better in real life would be like saying Milan Hejduk was every bit as good as late 1990s and early 2000s iterations of hockey video games made him out to be (he’s easily one of the all-time best video game athletes ever, but gets little credit for it).

Anyway, there you have it– Giroux and Briere, playing together for some bullshit German hockey team. Thanks, Gary Bettman, you absolute mismanaging sack of shit.

*I’ve been to five European countries: England, France, Italy, Germany and Switzerland. I can tell you that as someone who is 50% Italian and grew up mostly idolizing everything about the culture (food, language– not the fake tans and blowouts), I was extremely disappointed in the Italian women when I was there. And I was in Milan! Ditto for the Brits (oh God, ditto). But the German women were surprising attractive despite their strong jaws and Jessica Biel shoulders. So, if I had to rank: 1) French, 2) German, 3) Swiss (small sample size), 4) Italian, 9) English.

Video of their long press conference is after the jump.