Sixers Hire Analytics Guru, Doug Collins May Kill Himself

Screen Shot 2012-11-03 at 1.07.40 PMNot this guy

Somewhere, local SABR nerds are euphorically pinging each other through their headsets during an important World of Warcraft match (or whatever the fuck you do in that game).

Math, bitches.

Last month, settled-for GM Tony DiLeo said the Sixers were considering hiring an analytics guru to get some advanced metrics pumping through the front office and coaching staff. They followed through yesterday, when they hired Aaron Barzilai to be the team’s director of analytics.

Barzilai is an MIT graduate with a PHD in Mechanical Engineering from Stanford. He founded the site

Doug Collins, who I’m fairly certain wakes up wearing a headband and hugging a red, white and blue basketball under his arm, isn’t a fan of advanced stats. Earlier this week, he said that if he had to use them, he would kill himself: [ via Yahoo!]

"No. If I did that, I'd blow my brains out," Collins said after a practice last week. "There's 20-page printouts after every game – I would kill myself."

"My analytics are here . . ." Collins quickly pointed to his head. ". . . and here." He pointed just above the white waistband of his Sixers sweat suit – to his gut.


Ah yes, and thus became the scene at Sixers front office meetings: Collins talking about Evan Turner’s bipolarity, and Barzilai, meticulously detailing Beaker’s efficiency from the top of the key (I made that up). I give it three weeks until Collins punches the MIT grad. Meep meep.


6 Responses

  1. Good work being condescending about the sixers trying to better themselves as a franchise. Jokes about sabr nerds are getting pretty old.

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