Flyers

This Yinzer Doesn’t Have a Future in Writing

By Kyle Scott

Published: Feb 20th, 2013 · 3:16 PM EST

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You may be familiar with Onward State, the independent student-run Penn State website that reported Joe Paterno’s death before it happened did a great job covering the Jerry Sandusky stuff. Most of their writers, some of whom are readers (and friends?) of CB, are very good. 

One guy, is not.

He is a Yinzer.

Readers Dan and Casey (which sound like an early-oughts network TV crime fighting duo) sent along a link to this article, written by Greg Schlosser… whose last name I’d argue has one too many Ss… in anticipation of TONIGHT'S BATTLE FOR PENNSYLVANIA. Or something like that.

Headline:

You can read the full article here… or, the abbreviated version, with my rebuttals, as follows. Because why not?

10) Pittsburgh is a safer city

So is Amherst, New York. Your point?

9) Primanti’s sandwich > Cheesesteak

No.

8) Pittsburgh’s statues represent real people

Honestly, it’s a little weird that the most famous statue in Philly is of some fake boxer. While Rocky Balboa did have an illustrious career, the fact that there’s a statue immortalizing him and his fake career in the city is a little odd.

"Ben Franklin, George Washington, William Penn– real? Not real? Harry Hariston goes undercover to find out, tonight at 11 on NBC 10, the only local station where Sheena Parveen goes to the bathroom!"

7) Pittsburgh has the best ballpark in the MLB

And the worst baseball team in the MLB. 

6) There’s no jail in Heinz Field

Perhaps they should add one…

5) Pittsburgh has Dan Rooney

Bones.

 

4) Pittsburgh has more sports championships in the last 30 years

Also, tailed people. Call it a push.

3) Heinz is headquartered in Pittsburgh

Ketchup. Your two biggest exports are ketchup and steel. America thanks you.

2) Pittsburgh is cleaner

Maybe.

1) Pittsburgh was ranked a better place to live

According to a Businessweek article, Pittsburgh was ranked as the 11th best city in the US. Philadelphia, on the other hand, was ranked the 24th best. To put things in perspective, Oklahoma City was ranked 23rd. It has to be unsettling for Philadelphia residents knowing that some city in the middle of nowhere was ranked higher.

I believe you have job at Bleacher Report waiting for you, good sir. 

 

There's a Philly version on Onward State as well.