This Yinzer Doesn’t Have a Future in Writing

You may be familiar with Onward State, the independent student-run Penn State website that reported Joe Paterno’s death before it happened did a great job covering the Jerry Sandusky stuff. Most of their writers, some of whom are readers (and friends?) of CB, are very good. 

One guy, is not.

He is a Yinzer.

Readers Dan and Casey (which sound like an early-oughts network TV crime fighting duo) sent along a link to this article, written by Greg Schlosser… whose last name I’d argue has one too many Ss… in anticipation of TONIGHT'S BATTLE FOR PENNSYLVANIA. Or something like that.


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You can read the full article here… or, the abbreviated version, with my rebuttals, as follows. Because why not?

10) Pittsburgh is a safer city

So is Amherst, New York. Your point?

9) Primanti’s sandwich > Cheesesteak


8) Pittsburgh’s statues represent real people

Honestly, it’s a little weird that the most famous statue in Philly is of some fake boxer. While Rocky Balboa did have an illustrious career, the fact that there’s a statue immortalizing him and his fake career in the city is a little odd.

"Ben Franklin, George Washington, William Penn– real? Not real? Harry Hariston goes undercover to find out, tonight at 11 on NBC 10, the only local station where Sheena Parveen goes to the bathroom!"

7) Pittsburgh has the best ballpark in the MLB

And the worst baseball team in the MLB. 

6) There’s no jail in Heinz Field

Perhaps they should add one…

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5) Pittsburgh has Dan Rooney


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4) Pittsburgh has more sports championships in the last 30 years

Also, tailed people. Call it a push.

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3) Heinz is headquartered in Pittsburgh

Ketchup. Your two biggest exports are ketchup and steel. America thanks you.

2) Pittsburgh is cleaner


1) Pittsburgh was ranked a better place to live

According to a Businessweek article, Pittsburgh was ranked as the 11th best city in the US. Philadelphia, on the other hand, was ranked the 24th best. To put things in perspective, Oklahoma City was ranked 23rd. It has to be unsettling for Philadelphia residents knowing that some city in the middle of nowhere was ranked higher.

I believe you have job at Bleacher Report waiting for you, good sir. 


There's a Philly version on Onward State as well.


41 Responses

  1. You should have just not even responded to this, Pittsburgh has an inferiority complex when it comes to Philly.

  2. They live in Pittsburgh though Kyle. Can’t you just let them think these things are truths? That city drinks more of Old Milwaukee’s beast than the people of Milwaukee do. How much must your life suck right?
    Pittsburgh, you rule!!! Yay for Pittsburgh!!!

  3. Pittsburgh is a lot like Freddie Mitchell. Instead of just going out there and being great, they’re constantly telling us how great they are.
    Go eat french fries on your sandwiches faggots

  4. not only does the primantti suck but the dinicks roast pork just won the greatest sandwhich in america title. so not only do we have the cheesesteak but we also have the greatest sandwich in america the roast pork

  5. “6) There’s no jail in Heinz Field”
    There’s also no jail in Lincoln Financial Field, big guy.

  6. I could not agree more with this top 10..
    I always feel like I’m going to get knocked over the head while walking down some of these streets in Philly.
    BTW what’s up with your “superstar” G this year??

  7. Never been to Pittsburgh, never have I even contemplated about going to that God forsaken hell hole. BUT I did make sweet sweet love to a girl from Pittsburgh before and when she mentioned she was from there I kicked her out of my love dungeon never to be seen or talked to again. Everyone who lives west of State College likes it up the butt and thats a fact!

  8. Not a gambling man but I will be putting some coin on my pens tonight. Flyers are going get smoked like a bad cigar

  9. Pulling out all the stops to get those comments in. Where’s the article on something about the Cowboys? Is that tomorrow?

  10. If you’re talking about sports teams then you can have your arguments.
    If you’re talking about the city itself, Philly and Pittsburgh aren’t even comparable. Philly wins all day everyday. It was the damn capital of this country at a time and probably has more history then any other city in the nation. (You could argue Boston and it’d be a good argument)
    You want to compare teams and puff your chest out? Great. You’d be the Kansas City Penguins if not for Mario and your hero Crosby is one of the most hated athletes in all of sports.
    7:30 yet?

  11. I never understood this hatred that Pittsburgh people have toward Philly. Philly people don’t care about Pittsburgh, its like Camden to us. However, Pittsburgh people hate Philly with a passion. It can only be jealousy. By the way, the Pitt loser didn’t mention the historical comparisons between the two cities. Hmmm…. one of the cities hosted the first continental congress, the declaration of independence, was the capital of the union, and was where President George Washington lived during office. Stifle yourself Pittsburgh.

  12. 1. Pittsburgh is so boring that the Yinzers have nothing better to do than read Philly sports blogs.
    I mean come on, does anyone from Philly here actually know a Pittsburgh blog? I sure as hell dont.

  13. It’s pretty sad that Pittsburgh has been more dominant than Philadelphia in football and hockey over the past 30 years…tough for me to write that but very true.

  14. it’s also idiotic to say you’d rather be in Pittsburgh. You can walk around the entire city in a day, and then there is NOTHING within 5 hours of the city…and the only thing within 5 hours is Philly.
    I’ll take having AC, KoP, NYC, Baltimore, DC, and miles of beaches

  15. who cares what those kool aid drinkers from Diddler U have to say.. let them ban alcohol on st. patty’s and act like they are cleaning their image and go back to watching re-runs of ‘whose line is it anyway’ while double fisting cans of purple soda.. fucking midwesterners

  16. Yo, Mr. Schniedelwichsen! Good one! I laughed at that! And everything Nick said was spot on. Why all the hate Pittsburghers have for us makes zero sense unless it’s either jealousy or a serious inferiority complex. Talk about immature on their part!

  17. To quote the great Brett “the Hit Man” Hart:
    If you’re going to give America an enema, Pittsburgh is where you’d stick the hose.

  18. Pittsburgh is a safer place to live. It’s not over run by packs of wild niggers looting and shooting everything in sight like Philly is. I can’t walk down the street without some coon trying to sell me a half smoked Newport or some stolen watermelons. Fuck that.

  19. I cant believe you let #5 off so easy.
    The Eagles are named the most charitable sports organization in the world year after year and also is named the most environmentally friendly sports organization in the world year after year. Being the most environmental and most charitable team in all sports is more impressive then having a rule named after you in 1 sport that has so many loop holes that it means absolutely nothing.

  20. I have to admit I was embarrassed by the diving and whining done by the pens tonight. Normally I don’t give it up for he flyers but they just have more heart

  21. Hopefully Read isn’t too hurt. I was hearing rumors the flyers were gonna offer him to TB for Stamkos. TB would love a top goal scoring rookie.

  22. id rather be in the last stages of AIDS, fuck every woman in my family then suck my dogs cock until he came all over my face then spend one fucking day in the fucking hell hole pittsburgh.

  23. I don’t think the author of the philly one has a future in writing either… I think he could’ve done better than
    -“thinks its West Virginia” which I have never heard of and in talking with yinzers have found out that they hate that state.
    -the bridges thing, that just makes no sense
    Something about how the pens almost got moved to Kansas City or Crosby’s attempt at a playoff beard, among other things, would have better served his purpose

  24. Pittsburgh is a nice city, they hate our hockey team, does there need to be a comparison? You can make an argument, whether logical or not, that any city is better than any other.

  25. I am way late to this party, but pitt fucking blows.
    not only did I hate it when they were handed that cowher (the guy everyone wanted to coach the eagles) superbowl, but all the bandwagon assholes came out after that.
    then the steelers flapped their fucking wings the year the eagles were 6-0? everytime they scored when they blew out the eagles, and then cried like faggots when the titans stomped on their stupid yellow towels.
    but besides that, I was there for the eagles game this year… the steeler fans are the most boring, overrated fans ever… that was a good, close game and it was drizzling and half the place left at halftime. On top of that the loudest the crowd was for the entire game was for when they fucking played renegade by styx.
    On the bright side, fatheads saloon is the tits, and there is polish food everywhere. But for no reason other than what I just said can you even think pittsburgh is better than philly.
    I was there, all you can eat is polish food and trash, they have a higher brow neighborhood filled with douchebags and shitty restaurants…
    wait its starting to sound more like philly…..

  26. I’m so late to this comment stream, but this article and some of these comments are so accurate I can’t even.

    First of all, Primanti’s is foul. You don’t have to eat it to assume it’s
    disgusting. I won’t dare eat that. There’s a reason it’s “Almost Famous”. It’s NOT famous, nor should it be.

    Secondly, Philadelphia has so much history that you can’t compare Pittsburgh to it. Birthplace of freedom? Not Pittsburgh’s title.

    Also, it’s true, the weather can often be dismal and gray. There’s a reason “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”. And we’re attacked by stinkbugs in the fall and spring. And we may have a nice stadium, but our team is genuinely crappy (this is the first season many Pittsburgh people want to be Pirates fans in two decades).

    My mother is so afraid of urban life that she can’t even handle PITTSBURGH’S streets. I, on the other hand, adore city life and look for that true city atmosphere that you can’t find in Pitt and is the spirit of Philly. So that’s why I’m planning to go to Drexel.

    You Philly people have a beautiful city, not perfect, but beautiful. You have so many benefits to your city that Pittsburgh people (unlike myself) can’t see. And count your lucky stars that you don’t have to be around Yinzers speaking a foreign language that you would call Pittsburghese.

    But I think the best reason that Philly is better than Pittsburgh is located in one of the comments above: because it’s not Pittsburgh 😀

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