Yo, seriously, step the fuck off, Reading Fightins GM Scott Hunsicker— there’s a new zany promotion sheriff in town, and this one wants you to piss excellence. Or have excellent pisses. Something like that.
Cliff Lee would be great at this:
Coca-Cola Park will be the first sports venue in the world to feature a brand new revolutionary "Urinal Gaming System", allowing fans to interact with the world's only truly hands-free urinal game controller, when the Lehigh Valley IronPigs open their 2013 season this April. The p-controlled video game systems will be featured within all men's restrooms at Coca-Cola Park and are exclusively presented by Lehigh Valley Health Network.
"These games are sure to make a huge splash," exclaimed IronPigs General Manager Kurt Landes. "Our fans are always looking for the next big thing and these 'X-Stream games' are another example of our commitment to providing an unparalleled entertainment experience in all aspects of Coca-Cola Park, including our restrooms."
I’m smiling. If you could see me right now, I’m actually smiling.
When a user approaches the urinal, the video console flips into gaming mode, using patented technology that detects both his presence and stream.
Algorithms then allow the user to engage with the screen by aiming in different directions to test their agility and knowledge.
Cocksmithing, if you will.
The games are 100% intuitive and custom-built to provide a unique user interface along with an easy and seamless experience. The Urinal Gaming System was created and developed by United Kingdom-based Captive Media. For more information on Captive Media, or to see a video of the p-controlled video games, visit www.captive-media.co.uk.
Oh. My. God. And it’s set to Rocky-ish music. More, please:
Upon completion (an average of over 55 seconds according to published research), users will receive their score and a code to enter.
HOW DO WE ENTER THE CODE? FOR REAL, HOW DOES MY DICK TYPE?! IT WANTS TO KNOW!!!
They can then view their position on the leader board or check the website to see how they stack up with the rest of that night's competition! High scores will be displayed in real-time across various videoboard displays within Coca-Cola Park.
There are a number of games planned for the 2013 season, including alpine skiing, which allows users to speed their way through snowy mountains on a snowmobile while attempting to hit cartoon penguins (seriously). The games will rotate throughout the season to provide users with a unique experience.
This is all great, and I may have just fallen in love… but what do we do about splash back? I have a very specific and sophisticated system of pissing off the right wall at a downward angle and then transitioning to the back wall before a final shake approaching the inner lip, all in the name of minimizing the amount of urine that gets on my pants and flip flops. If I have to go right – while careening down a mountain, no less! – before the stream has subsided, my feet just ain’t gonna smell right. And what about shooting a penguin that’s directly in front of you? While getting blasted in the face at point-blank range may be nothing new for Sidney Crosby, I’m deeply concerned about the boomerang effect of hitting icebergs right ahead!
Oh yeah, this whole thing is a Lehigh Valley Health Network PSA about prostate health. Because you might have a going problem.