Here are 105 Million More Reasons Why You Should Hate Ryan Braun with Every Fiber of Your Being

Kyle Scott - July 23, 2013

Taiwanese Ryan Braun animation via Busted Coverage

In the spring of 2011, just months before he tested positive for performance-enhancing, MVP-winning drugs – an allegation he got off with because he’s lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing cheater – Ryan Braun went to the Brewers about signing an early (and likely discounted) contract extension. That’s a rare move for a then-27-year-old still four years away from free agency who plays in a fantastic place called “Wisconsin.” But perhaps now we know why. Perhaps Braun knew that MLB’s collective bargaining agreement with its players association protects players who test positive for PEDs from forfeiting their contracts.

Braun signed a five-year, $105 million extension before the start of the 2011 season. That contract will begin in 2016. And it looks like this:

Screen Shot 2013-07-23 at 11.52.04 AM

Journal Sentinel, dateline April, 2011:

Both sides did so, leading to the announcement Thursday that Braun and the club had agreed to a five-year extension worth $105 million, a historic deal in many ways. The extension, which runs from 2016 though 2020, also includes a mutual option for 2021 worth up to $20 million with a $4 million buyout.

As further proof that Braun wants to be a career Brewer, a no-trade provision was included in the deal. To help the club stay competitive and have the financial wherewithal to sign other players, Braun agreed to defer an unspecified amount of the money.

Braun’s extension pays him salaries of $19 million in 2016, 2017 and 2018; $18 million in 2019; and $16 million in 2020. It also includes a $10 million signing bonus, which in addition to his $4 million salary this year brings his pay more in line with players of his stature and production.

The $4 million buyout in 2021 brings the total guaranteed value of the extension to $105 million.

“It was conducted more as a partnership than a negotiation between a player and team,” said [Brewers owner] Attanasio, who traveled from Los Angeles with his wife, Debbie, to participate in an afternoon media session at Miller Park.

“Ryan reached out to us in spring training about wanting to be a Brewer for the rest of his career. That spoke loudly to me and Doug. Also want to thank Doug. This is a major move for the franchise. It’s a very, very exciting day.”

What a slippery motherfucker he is. Hey, I’m probably going to test positive for steroids or HGH at some point, so let’s get this thing done now. HOMETOWN DISCOUNT FOR YOU, MILWAUKEE! 

Braun has lost nothing. A few million for the remainder of this season– mere change to him. Should he remain drug-free for the next eight years, he’ll earn every bit of $105 million, regardless of his production. His PED use and suspension are simply the cost of doing business. So despite reports and public sentiment, Braun made a fantastic business decision when he decided to have a needle jammed into his ass over and over and over again.


  • John Matrix July 23, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    probably not the only thing hes had in his ass. and by things i mean cocks.

  • The Iron Shiek July 23, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    Lol @ Aaron Rodgers tweeting last year he will donate a year salary if that Braun was guilty

  • MM July 23, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    Milwaukee has to be able to void the contract no?

    • Mk79 July 23, 2013 at 12:39 pm

      Nope. It’s part of the union deal with MLB that contracts can’t be voided because of drug suspensions.

    • Kyle Scott July 23, 2013 at 1:37 pm

      “Perhaps Braun knew that MLB’s collective bargaining agreement with its players association protects players who test positive for PEDs from forfeiting their contracts.”

      • MM July 23, 2013 at 2:46 pm

        couldn’t read past four-flushing…

  • Crucify Wheels July 23, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    This shit will continue until there are lifetime bans and real financial penalties. So forever basically. Pretty gay.

  • Your Mother July 23, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    Son, you’re dumb.

    Why should we hate Braun?

    He made his team weaker. (not our team)

    He conned somebody besides Ruben Amaro into giving him more money.

    Philly should rejoice in Braun, we should applaud him. Also we need to pray to the gods that nobody good on the Phillies is a part of the next waves of names released.

    • ThePhillyFlash July 23, 2013 at 1:02 pm

      Mom is right, Kyle. Braun is Milwaukee’s problem, not ours. And if his production goes down the drain because he’s no longer on the juice, he’ll quickly become as untradable as A-Roid and Ryan Howard. Let him rot for life with the Brewers.

  • Port Richmond July 23, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    “Four-flushing”? What does that even mean? I lost my 1930s dictionary

    • Kyle Scott July 23, 2013 at 1:37 pm

      • Port Richmond July 23, 2013 at 4:13 pm

        I know it was in Christmas Vacation, Kyle. I need to know what it means

  • Informed July 23, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    Crime, terrorism, poverty, unemployment, racism, etc are just a few among the many things that will forever remain part of our society. You can add steroid use to that list. Increased penalties and unprecedented fines will not solve things as a whole. As long as unethical doctors and scientists stay one step ahead of their do-good opponents, athletes will always have the next best way to beat the system and continue the take on the risks associated with PED use. Along the way, they will probably outsmart and outrun the masses including league enforcement, the media, the fans, the integrity police, etc. However, one day they might have to face the harsh reality of the damage done to their bodies as a result of PED use. With severely damaged or even failing organs its then they’ll wish they had been caught by all those tests that they had beat.

  • FACE July 23, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    Hate him? You kidding? I fucking love that guy. Fuck Wisconson. SUCK IT YOU CHEESE EATING TAINT WRINKLES!


  • Vinnie July 23, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    I suppose if down the road he gets a lifetime suspension (without pay), his contract would be voided.

    He would have to be a total idiot to let that happen since he will be getting paid all the way until 2031.

  • BeezNutz July 23, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    If you’re a grown man and actually hate this guy…. you really need to re-evaluate your life.

    NO LOVE,


    • Port Richmond July 23, 2013 at 4:16 pm

      I decided to take your advice and reevaluated my life. I still hate Ryan Braun, and now I hate you

  • The Truth July 23, 2013 at 4:31 pm

    Do you really care about steroids that much?

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