GQ Ranks Phillies 14th Worst Franchise Ever

Cody Asche’s girlfriend is here to cheer you up

My heart, it hurts:

14. Philadelphia Phillies
File under: Shittiness by the metric ton

A recent run of excellence disqualifies the Phillies from being higher on this list, but still: They were the first of two American teams to lose more than 10,000 games, and their all-time record is so far below .500, they could go 162-0 for six straight seasons and still not be shooting par. In 130 years, they’ve won only two World Series—same as the Toronto Blue Jays, who started in 1977 and play in fucking Canada.

He’s back:

Screen Shot 2013-09-13 at 10.44.38 AM

But good news! The Mets and the entire city of Cleveland are ahead of the Phils (and that’s before the Bynum era has ever really even begun in Cleveland!).

H/T to (@jrw522)

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9 Comments

  • TigolBitties September 26, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    Only people with small “egos” actually care about these completely subjective lists.

  • TigolBitties September 26, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    Although, I will compliment you on randomly selected gif of Cody Asche’s girlfriend.

  • ThePhillyFlash September 26, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    Who gives a rat’s ass what GQ says? Seriously! Those limp dick morons probably think Miley “The Virus” Cyrus is the hottest woman in show business too! Pfft! Fuck ’em!

  • Worley's Hot Piece of Ass September 26, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    What’s going on in the cleavage area of the Phillies shirt a row back? Is that a bra that I see? It’s confusing me

  • BrianG September 26, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    Big fucking whoop……..10,000 losses………only 2 championships. Yea they are a train wreck, but they are OUR TRAIN WRECK you GQ foreskin eaters. We support our team, point out what wrong with it because we CARE. Its called being a true fan. Only frontrunners follow a team when they are winning. There are still 30,000 fans at CBP to watch this retched team, how many people watch Atlanta’s last game?

  • Beefarino September 26, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    These rankings and lists don’t mean shit, but 10,000 losses is still a thing? Why was it ever a thing in the first place? All it means is the Phillies are one of the oldest franchises in sports and happened to totally suck balls during the 20s, 30s, and 40s. Most fans from those days are either gone or don’t remember them

  • Slammin Gretzky's Daughter September 26, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    I absolutely love how whenever people talk about the 10,000 losses they always say “the first professional sports team in America” and make it seem like we’re the worst franchise out of any sport ever. As if it could even possibly be any other fucking team besides one from the MLB. The league has been around since the dawn of time and they play almost twice as many regular season games as any other major American sport.

    And yeah the phillies have the most total losses among all the baseball franchises but they’ve been around since 1883. They don’t have the lowest winning percentage. There are five current MLB franchises with lower overall winning percentages and there are 35 defunct former professional franchise with worse percentages.

    And I also love how this article makes a big deal about them getting to .500 overall. There are only 12 current MLB franchises at .500 or better in their entire existence. Being under .500 isn’t that rare.

    After all, this is fucking GQ so why would anyone expect them to do research? Just keep throwing out catch phrases like 10,000 losses because you heard your bro say it that one time you hung out at a bar in Northern Liberties. Fucking GQ hipsters.

  • Oh the Humanity September 26, 2013 at 4:50 pm

    Whats more embarrassing is the crowds showing up to the Braves games when they won the fucking division! That town doesn’t deserve shit with that kind of fan base.

  • Rubén's Left Nut September 27, 2013 at 9:52 am

    Thanks for the reminder of Asche’s girl. Excuse me as I have to rub one out!

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