Phillies

I’m Getting Brewers Season Tickets So I Can Tell Ryan Braun to Go Fuck Himself

By Kyle Scott

Published: Sep 6th, 2013 · 1:14 PM EDT

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From some small market TV station:

CBS 58 has confirmed suspended Milwaukee Brewers Outfielder Ryan Braun is calling Brewers season ticket holders to apologize.

“Hey there’s a guy on the phone claiming to be Ryan Braun, it’s probably one of your buddies messing with you.”

That’s exactly what Kelly’s Bleachers owner Pat Guenther thought Thursday afternoon.

He picked up the phone thinking it’d be a joke.

“Hey Pat this is Ryan Braun,” Guenther recalls.  “Right then and there I knew it was his voice based on interviews I’ve seen on TV. I knew damn well it was his voice.”

So he did what anyone in the service industry would do.

“I said what can I do for you? He said, I messed up, in a nutshell, I messed up. I just want to reach out and say I’m sorry. I cut him off right there. I said you know Ryan, I think you’re an amazing athlete and this speaks volumes to your character to reach out to a small business owner like myself and let us know that you are going to do better.”

“Who hasn’t made a mistake? People move forward. I think that’s what Ryan is trying to do. He’s moving forward. He has no other option. Be better, help his ballclub win games and win the hearts of Brewers fans like he has for many, many years.”

The Brewers confirmed the team provided Braun with contact information for some season ticket holders at his request.

“He was very humble on the phone. He wanted to reach out and for him to do this is an act of kindness.  He wants the people of Wisconsin to support the Brewers and him.”

Guenther said he wants to meet Braun now that they’ve spoke on the phone.

FUCK this guy. Oh, you got a PR consultant to tell you that you should apologize to fans directly? Congratulations, dickmeat. Did your crisis manager have any advice on how to un-ruin a guy’s life? How about on how to take back a press conference on a pitcher’s mound in which you ruined said life? But no, everything will be forgiven now that you called a few blue collar Milwaukeans (word?) who were so caught off-guard by speaking to a real life celebrity shuttlecock that they sheepishly crumbled, not because you’re a good guy, but because you have a soft voice and big, blue eyes. And because their team needs back its juiced up meathead masher.

No joke, I’m legitimately contemplating getting Brewers season tickets just to hear from Braun myself. They can’t be more than, what, $400? That’s well worth it to tape the phone call, tell the guy to go fuck himself, and then post it on this website and take a warm swim in all that ad revenue. Really, if I get confirmation that he calls every season ticker holder, I’ll do it. That’s a business expense, and that makes our country g-g-g-g-g-great! Fuck you, Ryan Braun.