You’re Not Going to Believe This, But Andrew Bynum Will Likely Miss the Entire Preseason for the Cavs

Screen Shot 2013-05-06 at 12.09.56 PMAndrew Bynum is preparing to jerk-off another city.

DATELINE: CLEVELAND:

With training camp less than two weeks away, the Cleveland Cavaliers are likely to be without their biggest offseason acquisition.

But don’t panic, Andrew Bynum fans. No one expected the 7-footer to sprint at the start. Not after missing all of last season in Philadelphia with knee issues.

The Cavs haven’t set a specific timetable for Bynum’s return to actual game action — but they do have a plan. It’s to make sure Bynum is completely healthy before he ever puts on a uniform. In other words, the Cavs won’t rush him back just to quash any sort of fan anxiety.

This sounds… familiar. Go on…

One source familiar with Bynum’s progress told FOX Sports Ohio that Bynum is nowhere near ready and is likely to miss the entire preseason. He could, however, give it a go early in the regular season, if not for the opener Oct. 30 vs. the Brooklyn Nets.

This guy is a genius. Bynum is said to hate basketball. He made $17 million last season to do absolutely nothing here. He’s getting $6 million guaranteed from the Cavs (up to two years, $24 million). How much does a man need? Perhaps this game is more fun for him– to see how long he can go getting paid millions not to play at all. He likes to gamble and this is real, visceral gambling. Some Ocean’s 11 shit. He has no performance-based incentives. Rather, if he is on the Cavs roster after January 10, his full $12 million for this season is vested. If he’s waived before then? Just the $6 million. Last year, everyone assumed that he would come back late in the season, play enough games to show that he’s healthy, and then sign elsewhere. He didn’t… and he still got a $24 million deal (all he has to do is be on the Cavs roster next July 11 and all of that is guaranteed). You would assume he that he’d do that this winter, but it’s possible that he could cock-tease the Cavs just enough with an imminent return that they keep him around in January and he earns $12 million this season without ever playing a game. And then… he can do it again next summer, earning another $12 million based on a promise. Bynum can earn $41 million over three seasons without ever stepping foot on the court. He’s more than halfway there ($23 million so far!). I’m actually rooting for him at this point. This is the greatest magic trick ever performed. Come in close, because the more you think you see, the easier it will be to fool you.

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16 Responses

  1. DAMN! And here I was thinking Bynum was nothing more than a Flamenco dancing buffoon! Turns out this guy is not only smart, but downright diabolical as it appears he’s going to sucker yet another team into giving him millions so he can sit on the far end of Cleveland’s bench yukking it up with teammates while wearing funny hairdos. Magic trick is right! Harry Houdini and David Copperfield ain’t got shit on Bynum!

    1. a sick part of me admires him for his uncanny ability to swindle yet another team out of million dollars because its almost an admirable talent. however, then reality takes over and im in extreme disbelief that one can lack so much integrity and self-respect and yet somehow still be successful in life. for a normal person, the eventual mindset would be, “hey, maybe im letting everyone down here and even making myself look bad so why i dont pull my act together and start producing.” instead, he’s perfectly contempt with continuing life as a POS. sad. truly sad.

    1. Bynum, by miles. While Owens was a crackpot and an asshole, at least he gave a damn about his craft and busted his ass on the field. He even disobeyed doctor’s orders to play in that Super Bowl after he hurt his ankle near the end of the regular season. Bynum, on the other hand, is a conniving thief and a malingerer who’s LITERALLY stealing money from teams dumb enough to take a chance on him and clearly doesn’t care about the sport that’s given him a livelihood in the first place. I never had a problem with Owens, but I can’t stand thieving slugs like Bynum.

      1. true, but TO did take a superbowl team and cut the legs out from under it all for his own gain. so far, bynum has been conning terrible basketball teams

        1. Well, if one man was successfully able to derail an entire team with his selfish antics, then maybe it wasn’t all that stable and had no true leadership to begin with. And don’t give me McNabb as the leader, that goofball couldn’t lead a starving man to a buffet.

    2. None of the above if teams were willing to pay you millions even though your knees are shot,you would sign too mr self righteous.

    3. what a retarded comment. TO at least gave you a whole season, and got you to the superbowl. this guy didnt play one second.

  2. Wait a fucking second Kyle, why do I see ads on the left side of the screen for AL East teamware? You fucking shithead!

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