Melt away, Swiss Cheese Pervert, this 34-year-old South Jersey man* crashed his car into a Crown Fried Chicken in North Philly on Monday and then proceeded to get out of his vehicle, strip naked and masturbate in front of horrified onlookers. Never has there been a less sexy sentence written in the Queen’s English.
Philly Mag has what appears to be an exclusive video. It’s short, only about 12 seconds (your joke here: _________). But pay special attention to the :06 – :10 mark, when our assailant twerks and then forces his fingers through his ass like a frustrated cashier swiping an aged credit card through a stubborn register. You have to do it fast, and apply pressure to the left side. And make sure the stripe is FACING OUT!
Here’s the statement from police, who conveniently left out the asshole fingering part:
On January 27, 2014, at approximately 10:30 am, police responded to 500 West Lehigh Avenue for an auto accident. Upon their arrival officers observed a vehicle on the curbside of the southwest corner of 5th & Lehigh Avenue. The male operator was seated in the driver’s seat of a 2007 Silver Camry with no shirt on. The male was asked to step out of the vehicle and when he, did the male was unable to stand on his own. His clothes were torn off and he was unable to respond to police questions. Witnesses to the accident stated that the male was operating his vehicle west on Lehigh Avenue and then veered across the intersection at 5th Street and drove on to the curb hitting a fixed object. After the accident,the male operator exited the vehicle and began removing his clothing and yelling. He then attempted to drive off; however, someone was able to remove the keys and hold them until police arrived. The operator was identified as 34 year old ######### from Pennsauken, New Jersey. He was charged with Driving Under the Influence; no injuries reported.
No physical injuries. The mental anguish suffered by the children in the passing school bus, however, is a different matter.**
*Why is it always a man? You never hear about a 10 getting out of her Beamer, performing a three-minute striptease, and then grinding a stop sign into submission. WHERE IS THE VIEWER VIDEO OF THAT?!
**Absolutely love the guy crossing the street in the hoodie who is completely unfazed by what’s happening. “I live in North Philly, man. I see weirder shit before I brush my teeth in the morning. We’re just lucky this guy wasn’t wielding a machete and pouring feces out of an oil drum into the intersection.”