Public Masturbation is All the Rage in Philly

Voila_Capture1059Look, the Greater Philadelphia area may be deficient in many things, but the ability to produce an epic public masturbator is not one of them.

Melt away, Swiss Cheese Pervert, this 34-year-old South Jersey man* crashed his car into a Crown Fried Chicken in North Philly on Monday and then proceeded to get out of his vehicle, strip naked and masturbate in front of horrified onlookers. Never has there been a less sexy sentence written in the Queen’s English.

Philly Mag has what appears to be an exclusive video. It’s short, only about 12 seconds (your joke here: _________). But pay special attention to the :06 – :10 mark, when our assailant twerks and then forces his fingers through his ass like a frustrated cashier swiping an aged credit card through a stubborn register. You have to do it fast, and apply pressure to the left side. And make sure the stripe is FACING OUT!

Here’s the statement from police, who conveniently left out the asshole fingering part:

On January 27, 2014, at approximately 10:30 am, police responded to 500 West Lehigh Avenue for an auto accident. Upon their arrival officers observed a vehicle on the curbside of the southwest corner of 5th & Lehigh Avenue. The male operator was seated in the driver’s seat of a 2007 Silver Camry with no shirt on. The male was asked to step out of the vehicle and when he, did the male was unable to stand on his own. His clothes were torn off and he was unable to respond to police questions. Witnesses to the accident stated that the male was operating his vehicle west on Lehigh Avenue and then veered across the intersection at 5th Street and drove on to the curb hitting a fixed object. After the accident,the male operator exited the vehicle and began removing his clothing and yelling. He then attempted to drive off; however, someone was able to remove the keys and hold them until police arrived. The operator was identified as 34 year old ######### from Pennsauken, New Jersey. He was charged with Driving Under the Influence; no injuries reported.

No physical injuries. The mental anguish suffered by the children in the passing school bus, however, is a different matter.**

*Why is it always a man? You never hear about a 10 getting out of her Beamer, performing a three-minute striptease, and then grinding a stop sign into submission. WHERE IS THE VIEWER VIDEO OF THAT?!

**Absolutely love the guy crossing the street in the hoodie who is completely unfazed by what’s happening. “I live in North Philly, man. I see weirder shit before I brush my teeth in the morning. We’re just lucky this guy wasn’t wielding a machete and pouring feces out of an oil drum into the intersection.”

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35 Responses

    1. Yeah, against a hurting Detroit team that was without Datsyuk, Zetterberg, Franzen, Bertuzzi, and Howard. But you already knew that, right?

        1. Yeah, I wouldn’t call it a “Big” win…definitely a good win and a game they were expected to win.

  1. He should have just stayed in his car – that’s what more sensible guys would have done.

  2. Pennsauken is a shit hole. It’s more like a burb of Camden/ Philly. It’s no shocker to me that’s where he’s from. The dumbass will get double the time and fine because he was in a school zone. Euthanasia isn’t such a bad idea in this case.

  3. Kyle-

    You don’t see the issues with your little blurb about North Philly? Why are you constantly, not-so-subtly ripping black people? What do your black readers think about it?

    I know you run a website and you’re trying to shock people but you must either be a bigot or too damn stupid to realize what you’re saying.

    1. Are you really defending North Philly? If it were up to most people that shithole would be firebombed off the face of the planet.

        1. On the off-chance that you are the real Phil from Mt Airy:

          Your show sucks! I listened to it for 5 minutes about a year ago, and dead air would have been an improvement. It sounds like you are trying to out-black Sean Brace.

          Maybe you can get a job as Desean’s personal lackey, so we don’t have to ever hear your voice again.

          .

          1. Yeah whatever be sure to catch me on my morning show on my weekday morning show on station 900amwurd.

        2. Yeah I’m a racist for wanting to get rid of the drug dealers and the junkies you fucking buffoon.

      1. y u gotta be a cry baby bitch.. i didnt take anything the way u did. u must have the story in ur mind how u think its got something to with race. problem is in u.

    2. Don’t be upset, Fran. Kyle’s base are the knuckle dragging mouth breathing PhilBillies who’s deep resentment stems from economic and social jealousy of many Black athletes and Black folks in general. You will find the occasional funny comment here and there, but much like both political parties, he HAS to feed the “red meat” to his base. Kyle’s a smart, cool and funny dude but his site is like the farm system for Philly.com. Enjoy the good ignore the bad. SOMEBODY has to give these yahoos a forum or the mall shooting would certainly rise in our area. That being said, I CANNOT unsee this dude’s ass crack and it’s haunting me!!!!!

      1. A smart, cool, funny dude would figure out a way to run a sports blog without perpetuating racism. He’s created this “base” and he feeds it, one D Jacc ebonics post at a time.

        1. FD, I ranted just like you at one point, but I don’t believe that we are his demographic. In fact, spoke about this “ebnonics” issue before. It didn’t stop him from posting . You just gotta pick your spots, man. I’m on YOUR side about this, trust me.

  4. I admit that I am a no talent racist with nothing to say on the radio and that NPR is more enjoyable to listen to than me. However, I do sit around all day thinking about Melissa McGee and Jacquelin London’s huge breasts.

    1. While he gets paid for his opinions and you post your tripe in between starting fires in old oil barrels and darning your 2015 Mummer’s outfit (you also lose two cool points for dressing as a wench)… LOL, No disrespect….

  5. Hmmm…. This column gives me an idea for a new event to replace the Wing Bowl (which has been stale for a few years now). I’ll get back to you when I work out all the details.

    .

  6. Where is Calipari, I’m going to tear him apart. Who is this empty suit who took over my job at Temple. If a black man wants to drive drunk, tear off his clothes and whack off in front of Church’s Fried Chicken who am I pass to judgement. If you want to punish the man have him do a Christmas Eve show on DNL with the Digit and The Midget.

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