UPDATE: The Phillies Have Signed Bobby Abreu, Because Awwwwww Fuck It

Voila_Capture1029Jim Salisbury reports:

The Phillies, still looking for a left-handed bat to come off the bench, are “sniffing around” on Bobby Abreu, multiple baseball sources tell CSNPhilly.com.

General manager Ruben Amaro Jr. did not deny gathering intelligence on the veteran outfielder, who turns 40 in March.

“We’re looking at all the left-handed bats still out there and he’s one of them,” Amaro said.

100% sure the Phillies have given up on the season. Amaro is Peter Gibbons in Office Space right now. He doesn’t care. He’s trying to get fired. He’s one week away from bringing a fish into the office and slicing it open on his desk. It’s not that I’m lazy, I just don’t care.

That, of course, could be a slogan for Abreu, too.

UPDATE: And before I could finish posting this, the Phillies signed Abreu:

Voila_Capture1030 Voila_Capture1031Just had the following conversation on the phone with my Dad, who loved Abreu when he was here:

MeCongratulations! The Phillies just signed Bobby Abreu.

My Dad: As a player?

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70 Responses

    1. what local bar is sponsoring this team’s league fees? i only ask because we now look like a sunday morning slow pitch softball team!

  1. Seriously. Can there be no other rationale than Amaro is trying to get fired. There can be no other explanation.

  2. Wait, what? Kyle, I know it’s snowing and you probably don’t have anything else to do, but don’t just make shit up.


  3. Fans, I told you yesterday that I’m following the 1983 “Wheeze Kids” blueprint that resulted in an NL Championship. (I should know, I was on-field personnel back then.)

    Besides, I’m righting a wrong that my predecessor made several years ago when he let Bobby go. He’s got plenty of baseball left in him. Plus, he can mentor some of our younger players.


  4. Is it possible Abreu was signed as the color man for the booth and the reporter got the story wrong?

  5. Somewhere out in America, Mike Schmidt is limbering up in anticipation of getting a call from Ruben Amaro. Just when you thought things couldn’t get any crazier with the Phillies, they do. Shit!

  6. Now we know what Sarge’s future role with the club will be. He’ll be platooning in the outfield with Ben Revere whenever Abreu gets the nod.

  7. Seriously, fuck you Rube. I hate the fact that I will ruin 162 of my days this year because of this booger eating moron.

  8. I’m entirely convinced Rube is just trolling us at this point. Tomorrow he’ll sign Brett Myers and Pat Burrell to minor league contracts, because fuck it, that’s why.


    1. He DID sign Brett Myers, only Myers is now going by “Chad Gaudin”. Think I’m lying? Look at that photo a few posts back.


  9. It’s funny that we were joking about this team being geriatric before all these off season-old fart pickups. There will be guys in the clubhouse old enough to be the father of their teammates. This season is going to be like the last clip from the first jackass movie.

  10. Word out of Cleveland is that Rube is making inquiries about Willie Mays Hayes, Dorn, Pedro Cerrano, and Jobu.


      1. I sure did! Lost my head to a satellite dish. But I don’t think that small detail should prevent me from contributing to the team.

  11. I can’t wait until Ruben starts his round of visits to the sports shows to explain this one. I seriously think he has lost his mind at this point and thinks it is 2004.

  12. A Rod got me a connect and I’m ready to report Rueb. The Hall of Fame doesn’t want me so I’ll be the left handed bat

  13. Abreu on the phone with Rube–

    “Is that you Tolbert? You know this isn’t very funny; I’m hung over, my knees are killing me and if you were gonna pull this shit, you could’ve at least said you were from the Yankees!”

  14. the phils front office has the balls to email me asking for the rest of my season ticket payment the same week they sign the 40+ version of bobby fucking abreu? what did i do wrong?

  15. Last Place…here they come. I guess we should get used to this.

    Remember the sell outs, Big Howard killin balls, the Aces….Ruben is trying to erase all that…and is doing a good job of it.

  16. I think this is the best signing since Halladay. He’s an experienced vet that will help coach the young guys Howard and Rollins.

  17. Fantastic signing by Rube! The Phils now have a Gold Glove winner to shore up their outfield defense!


  18. I don’t know about you guys but I can’t wait to see this group of men, all a part of the oldest baseball team the world has ever seen. Who knows, they might just be a decent team. Awww fuck it, even drunk me on an all night bender can’t imagine this team being .500 or over. A person sure can hope though…

  19. Unreal. Amaro must have a job lined up somewhere else…then he’s going to turn around a flip us off…”have a nice year”…could there be any other reason?

  20. Cmon guys, im motivated, wait until you see my this year, im gonna run hard, work the counts, and collect that sweet sweet money.

  21. Dear Rubin,
    BUWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA HAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!! You’re just an amazing GM! You should be so proud of how you almost single handily ruined this team!

    Thanks for freeing up my nights during the summer Rube! 73 wins will be a major accomplishment for this team.. Please go away! Far Far Far away!


  22. You know that “farm” parents tell their kids they sent their dogs to when they have to put them to sleep? Citizens Bank Park is that farm. This is pathetic.

    1. Not only did you misspell tattoo and forehead, but I’m betting you spelled Iabowski wrong too.


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