Face Water and Disappearing Dogs, the Spirit of the 2014 Olympics

Day two of Sochi horror stories. Stacy St. Clair of the Chicago Tribune on DANGEROUS FACE WATER:

It was already 5:50 a.m. and I couldn’t fall back to sleep so I figured I would just begin my day. I turned on the water to brush my teeth, but nothing came out. Just the gagging, asthmatic sound of pipes wanting to produce water.

I tried to flip on the shower. It wouldn’t work. The toilets wouldn’t flush either.

I called the front desk.

“It will be fixed in 40 minutes,” the sympathetic man at the reception desk told me. “But when it comes back on, please do not use on your face because it contains something very dangerous.”

Welcome to Sochi 2014, the dystopian-like Games where a simple shower poses a threat to your face, fire alarms ring constantly and several hotels remain unfinished. Russian President Vladimir Putin spent more than $50 billion on these Games — the most expensive Olympics, winter or summer, ever — yet he seemingly forgot to pay the water bill.

Silly Stacy. Vladimir not forget, he recycle toilet water for face! Going green, Russia is. “You flush, you brush!”

But for real, Puuts™ is in over his head. And he’s got bigger fish to fry– like the looming spectre of a massive terrorist attack, international spying… and dogs. Ah yes, those dogs. They’re still around, standing guard over Old Mother Russia like a disembodied spirit haunting a wooden dwelling. They’re menacing, terrifying… AND ADORABLY CUTE!
Awws. Problem is, as you’ve likely heard, they’re doing everything they can to capture and kill “relocate”… doing everything they can to relocate these dogs. At a press conference today, officials said healthy stray dogs were being taken into custody, not killed. Of course, taken into custody in the Caucasus may be a fate worse than death. Unless they go with these guys, who are rescuing dogs that are bound for the gas chamber.

Anyway, the dogs are cute and I think they should stay. All part of the experience, Russ. Just like brown face water.

dog pics via (@TVBroadcast), (@oflyynkevin), and (@blatchkiki)


8 Responses

  1. Suck it up Stacy St. Clair. Nobody cares about the travel problems of a pampered Western journalist.

    As long as we win medals and there are no attacks, this Olympics will be a success.

    1. I love how that broad’s fat face is being plastered all over news outlets with her tweets. She’s an abomination – the face of every fat entitled middle aged white woman in America.

      Don’t get me wrong these Olympics are beyond fucked, but her picture and needy tweets aren’t helping the image of the stereotypical overly-consuming American.

  2. They could fix two problems by putting the dogs on the menu. I mean who would know what “Собака” really is? It looks like a good meal to me. Sounds a bit like Chewbacca huh?

  3. I firmly believe that God put Social Media on Earth for the sole purpose of making fun of the Sochi Olympics.

  4. In Soviet Russia, the toilet flushes you.

    Ever notice how throughout history, anytime a government ‘relocates’ anyone they end up killing them?

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