Caption: Broncos fans turned to porn because this is an example of a Denver-area female.

I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but when a Philly team suffers yet another soul-crushing defeat, I generally go into some sort of weird somber trance and turn to tapes of better times, not porn. Although… the lines are blurred between the effect from Chase Utley’s World Fucking Champions speech and a good Japanese bukkake compilation. Both are just excitement, everywhere.

Anyway, Pornhub (safe link), in a brilliant marketing ploy, released their annual (?) report on Super Bowl visit dips and spikes from fans in the two participating cities. There were 51% and 61% decreases in Denver and Seattle, respectively, during the game:


But when it was over, things went in opposite directions. Broncos fans turned to porn (and probably marijuana) in their time of need, while Seahawks fans… well, they celebrated in presumably more natural ways:

In fact, the traffic drops between Denver and Seattle were almost identical from 3pm to 6pm, after which many Denverites began returning to Pornhub for their previously scheduled pleasure time (and guaranteed satisfaction). Even Seattle, with their victory well in hand, took a break at half-time to watch some porn (sorry Bruno Mars!).

When the final whistle blew, we saw positive traffic spikes across the U.S. (4%), in Denver (11%) as well as a 3% rise in Canada, and 1% worldwide. Contrarily, Seattle continued celebrating well into the night with a 17% drop until Midnight, when it returned to Sunday norms.

I’d love to see the stats during a big snowstorm. Does it go up, because guys are home alone? Does it go down, because that’s baby-makin’ time? Or does it stay flaccid flat, because masturbation is a rain or shine activity?! The world needs to know.

*Actually, that video has all the makings of an amateur porn. I was waiting for her to start talking about her bills and mounting student loan debt before acting like she’s never done this before. Also: that fucking accent.