Voila_Capture 2014-02-19_08-37-29_AM Voila_Capture 2014-02-19_09-04-50_AMOhhhhhhh I love using imaginations. When I was around 12 I had my own Hollywood studio in my basement, where my neighbor and I filmed a sequel to Jean-Claude Van Damme’s Sudden Death. The film was set in Colorado, at an Avalanche game. Basically, I beat the shit out of my younger neighbor and we would watch my roundhouse kicks back in slow-mo. It was pretty awesome. And one of the major props we used was a fake blueprint of McNichols Arena (so I could find the bombs and bad guys, of course). So if there’s one thing I can get into, it’s fake blueprints and sports.

Last night, the Sixers, who are doubling down on tanking in all the right ways, handed out a blueprint for their rebuilding process. It came in a mysterious cylinder and featured top secret VIP passes (!) to season ticket headquarters. The most important part of the blueprint – you know, besides the quotes from Magic Johnson and Charles Barkley – were the key dates listed in the upper right. As pointed out by Gannett’s Jason Wolf, the next important date, the next crucial step in the rebuilding process, you NEED to know about is February 26… the early ticket renewal date. Look, fans, we’re doing this one step at a time. We stink now. We’ll stink next year. And we’ll probably stink the year after that. But in 2017… look out! But you gotta get in now. We can’t do this without… your money. Key rebuilding steps include you buying tickets, the draft, concession sales, partnerships with gambling websites, premium seat contracts, more ticket sales, and Joshua Harris building a fortress in the Hamptons. This is top secret shit. You’re in on the ground floor. Now, give us your money.

Still love it, Sixers. And if you need anyone to crawl through the bowels of the Wells Fargo Center to disarm bombs and butterfly kick some bad people, I’m your guy.