I don’t ride Septa. 1) Because I work from home and ride my slippers, thank you. 2) Because I’m afraid of anything other than the R5. But everyone has been sending in this Septa Drinking Game on Admit One Drinking Games and it looks pretty solid:

Drink Every Time:

1). The vehicle stops. 2 drinks if SEPTA does not announce what stop you are at.
2). A passenger is clearly high as a motherfuckering flying saucer.
3). There is a fight or loud argument.
4). A passenger passes the fuck out.
5). A baby starts crying.
6). Your train/subway/bus is late.
7). Someone decides to bring a bicycle onboard.
8). You see a passenger’s ass crack.
9). You smell something rancid.
10). A passenger is dressed inappropriately.
11). A passenger is having a loud phone conversation.

Good stuff. But here’s a few necessary addendums (addenda?) based on my limited experience:

12) A gang member who acts like one of the Salamanca brothers stands and, sans emotion, kicks out the train window for no apparent reason. The train keeps moving.

13) You see someone get a handjob or other form of manual stimulation. Drink another if they finish. Drink two more if you finish watching, you fucking creep store.

14) A coked up man begins shouting inanities at Rosemont, the always reliable Septa Police are called, he barricades himself under a seat and has to be forcibly removed at Merion while you’re on your way to meet your college girlfriend at 30th Street and she gets all pissed because, yeah, you had something to do with the psycho who delayed your train for 30 minutes.

Add those things.

H/T to reader Colin