Andrew Wiggins’ Pre-Draft Mixtape Will Make You Hard

Granted, he’s being defended by a six-foot white guy with a receding hairline… but still, mmm. It’s like watching one of those Playboy YouTube videos that contains no nudity but you know it’s there. Know it exists. Know it’s only a Google search or trade-up-on-draft-night away.

Meanwhile, the Sixers have been given access to Joel Embiid’s medical records, which I can only assume are written on elephant hide. So they’re probably going to draft another big man with an alarming injury history. But Wiggins needs to happen. Wiggins and LeBron and Melo this summer– then I’ll be happy.

And no, Wiggins isn’t a suspect in that stabbing.

Side note: Why is it only basketball players who have mixtapes? How cool would a hockey mixtape be with a frighteningly pale 17-year-old Eastern Bloc forward skating through pylons to Du hast? I want to see that.

H/T to reader Paul

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24 Comments

  • Dante Exum June 25, 2014 at 9:18 am

    You should be watching my highlights; you know I’m who you tanked for.

  • someone uh, not named jim June 25, 2014 at 9:24 am

    Coffee enemas get me hard…just sayin if youre into that kinda thing.

  • Charlie Brown June 25, 2014 at 9:26 am

    OMG, he’s really taking that white dude to town. Show me a highlight package of his Kansas games, not against a guy I can take off the dribble.

  • Walter Sobchak June 25, 2014 at 9:30 am

    “Side note: Why is it only basketball players who have mixtapes? How cool would a hockey mixtape be with a frighteningly pale 17-year-old Eastern Bloc forward skating through pylons to Du hast? I want to see that.”

    First of all, I 100% on board with this.

    Second, I heard on the radio yesterday that Cleveland was considering the Orlando Magic’s offer of picks 4 and 12 for 1.

    3 and 10 are better than 4 and 12. If that’s what it takes to get Wiggins, you do it. Don’t question it, just do it. Then, you send Thad and 2 2’s to the Lakers and take on Nash’s dead money, for their 7th pick. At 7 you could still land Embiid (possibly), or grab Dougie McBuckets, Gordon, Randle, etc…

    ^^^^This is what Hinkie needs to do. It makes the most sense and guarantees they get Wiggins.

  • Matt June 25, 2014 at 9:43 am

    I want Wiggins, but nothing about this tape impresses me. He’s making shots that any decent basketball player would make and his handling is sloppy.

  • One and Done June 25, 2014 at 9:48 am

    It didn’t make me hard. What did I do wrong?

    • Sheena parveen's Waxed Asshole June 25, 2014 at 9:51 am

      Did you have access to a purple “dog toy” while you were watching? May have helped.

  • Calling Bullshit June 25, 2014 at 9:54 am

    Is there something wrong with me? I watched it and I’m as limp as ever.

  • Just a Heads Up June 25, 2014 at 10:09 am

    Sixers won’t get Parker or Wiggins. They’ll be sitting ducks at pick 3, end up with someone they don’t need like Exum. Tanked a whole season for a pick equivalent to Evan Turner. Might get McBuckets at 10 which is like equivalent to a Korver.

    Barely see improvement going forward. If Hinkie was such a genius, wouldn’t the Rockets have gone past the 1st round of the playoffs by now?

    Lebron + Melo not happening either. 76ers just a failure forever.

    • Walter Sobchak June 25, 2014 at 11:21 am

      Save your pessimism for Friday morning. For now, let’s have some hope…even if it’s merely a fools hope.

      • Anthony "THE CUZ/THE MAYOR OF SOUTH PHILLY" Gargano June 25, 2014 at 11:26 am

        Totally agree with you Walter.

        Instead of being so pessimistic,how about Sixer fans show more enthusiasm,and bring some optimism to the table(sheesh).

        • Walter Sobchak June 25, 2014 at 11:39 am

          I’m confident that the Sixers’ have enough ammo to get “their guy”. Wiggins is the guy, and he’s right there. The hell with the 10th pick. Make the move to get to 1, then deal with the ramifications after Wiggins is at the podium with a Sixers’ jersey. If you want to jump back into the first round, there’s no reason you can’t make a deal for the 7th pick from the Lakers’ if you eat Nash’s contract. Hell, if the Cavs balk at 3 and 10, why not make that move beforehand and flip them 3-7, and keep 10?

          I’d also say that I have absolutely no problem dealing MCW. The kid good, but I doubt he’s ever “special”. I don’t see him as a difference maker. He’s not a guy that takes over a game 7 and/or a whole series. Wiggins has the potential to be that and then some.

          No reason not to be excited with the ammo they have to get the guy they want. If they screw it up, then we can lament what would’ve been. Until then, #ALLin4WIGGINS.

  • Abe Lincoln June 25, 2014 at 10:35 am

    Nope, still flaccid…

  • R. Kelly June 25, 2014 at 11:23 am

    I didn’t know people still made mix tapes…?

  • Realist June 25, 2014 at 12:44 pm

    Reality check for Walter S and others here:

    I don’t understand why the hell you keep insisting that the Lakers will give us the 7th pick and Steve Nash’s contract for Thad Young. There’s no way in hell they’d even think about doing that. Thad Young and Steve Nash make almost identical salaries. Only Nash’s deal is done after this year and Thad has a player option for 15-16. By giving us Steve Nash and taking on Thad Young, the lakers get no cap relief whatsoever. Yes Thad is a good player and a massive upgrade over Nash, but he’s not worth the 7th pick in the draft.

    • Walter Sobchak June 25, 2014 at 12:49 pm

      Obviously there’d have to be more to the deal in the way of a couple 2nd round picks or even a lottery protected 1 next year. Thad doesn’t necessarily have to even be involved. If we take Nash’s salary and give them one of the 2nd’s and a lottery protected 1 next year, I think it’ll get it done.

      • cn215 June 25, 2014 at 11:53 pm

        Our 1st pick next year is already gone in the Moltrie deal

    • Walter Sobchak June 25, 2014 at 12:50 pm

      Let’s say for arguments sake that you’re right, and they can’t get the 7th pick…I’m still trading 3 and 10 for 1 and taking Wiggins without hesitation.

  • Ghetto Albino June 25, 2014 at 12:51 pm

    We’re getting Exum. Make room in your Trouty/Manziel dream closet for Wiggins.

  • PC POLICE June 25, 2014 at 1:01 pm

    For the record that bit about Embiid’s medical records being on Elephant Hide is racist as fuck. IM CALLING MIKEY MISS!!

  • John Clark`s anal plug June 25, 2014 at 4:47 pm

    If i guarded him i`d be blocking all of his shots, because i`m the best after listening to BRUCEEEEE he makes me hard and after Adam Joseph swaps spit and insert analplugs i`d say take WIGGINS SILLY..

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