Nick Foles is Boring and Rich

Photo credit: Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports
Photo credit: Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

Buzz Bissinger wrote the cover story for Philly Mag this month. It’s about Nick Foles, who didn’t want to be interviewed, at all, for the piece. So, Bissinger went to Foles’ hometown in Texas, dug up tax records and SEC filings, spoke with Foles’ friends and former teammates, and painted a picture of Foles’ humble demeanor and privileged existence. I told you this guy was hard to blog about:

The truth was, Nick Foles was something of a nerd, a guy who hung around with a small posse of mostly non-football nerds — eggheads, kids who would go on to careers in finance and private equity and engineering. A hot Saturday night was getting together at his house to play video games like Call of Duty, or hanging out at Zilker Park on the shores of Lady Bird Lake. “Dude, come on, you’re the quarterback, go out and have some fun,” high-school teammate Matt Nader pleaded with him, fruitlessly.

He was the kid you wanted dating your daughter, because he would have her home at 9:30 after you said 10. He was socially awkward, with a naive and goofy sense of humor. He dressed as if he had never seen clothes before. His hair was oddly styled in an ersatz pageboy, curling below his ears like a drainage ditch and covering his forehead in uneven wisps, thin grime on a windshield. His face was a cup of Napoleon Dynamite and a tablespoon of golly-gee-willikers and a teaspoon of Gomer Pyle. He tried at school, and even took Latin.

During his senior spring-break trip to Mexico, while most everyone else spent the afternoon recovering from drinking, he jogged, because there was nothing for him to recover from. He threw a football around with a kid from the Austin area. When Nick asked the kid to name his favorite player, he said, “Nick Foles!” But the kid didn’t recognize that he was having a catch with the actual Nick Foles. And Nick Foles was too reticent to tell him.

And, it turns out, Foles was and is rich. His father is a local restaurateur, and Foles attended a high school where the superintendent, principal and athletic director all make six figures. Westlake, it’s where Drew Brees went. Bissinger says that Foles may have come from the richest family of any player in the NFL:

His high-school teammate Matt Nader tells me that the best way to assess the rising fortunes of the Foles family was by observing the improvements made to their house over the years. The 6,708-square-foot mini-mansion, with a pool and spa, is in the winding Candylandesque hills off Westlake Drive, at the end of a cul-de-sac in an upscale housing development where even the flower petals fluttering onto the Elysian lawns look purposely placed. Currently assessed at $1.5 million, it was hardly a rancher when the Foles family bought it in the late ’90s. But over the years, the basement was finished and a new garage was put in, according to Travis County appraisal records. Then came the uncovered deck and a first-floor porch almost the entire length of the house.

I am sure Foles is just thrilled with that creepily detailed description of his family’s house. But Bissinger did an outstanding job painting a picture of Foles based on his own observations and third-person accounts. I highly recommend you read the piece when you have 15-20 minutes to spare. And yet, Bissinger, after undoubtedly hours of research (and travel) that went into the very well-written piece, concludes by taking the hackiest shot imaginable at Foles. It’s so hacky that I’m still not sure if I’m missing an obvious mocking of the naysayers. I don’t think I am. You decide:

But unless he stops being chickenshit and goes into the middle, he will never guide the Eagles to the place that only tantalizes us. We are tired, Nick. We are already dependent on you. So man up to be the man.

Sidle up to a bar on the road and order a slug of single malt, not a double shot of milk. It’s okay to address LeSean McCoy as “Shady” instead of “Sir Shady.” Don’t ever publicly say again that your favorite movie is The Lion King.

Acolytes get to heaven. Strut gets you to the Super Bowl.

What a weirdly abrupt ending to a good story.

Go read.

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27 Responses

  1. Foles looks like Prince William’s double. Maybe he has royal connections, LOL. He sounds nice and boring but if he wins I don’t care if he wears Dr. Denton’s to bed and eats coco-puffs.

  2. Yo Nick can I hol 5 million? If you readin this I ates all the caviar. #thuglife

  3. I could give two shits if hes boring and rich…..just keep doing what you did last year and he’ll be a rich boring hero

  4. Wasn’t Philly Mag the same piece of shit that no one reads who did the story about Philadelphia’s first openly gay sports blogger?

  5. Chickenshit? Have you seen this dude’s dick?

    Kyle says it feels like 10 inches.

    1. If buzz did a story on Johnny football, them 2 would be doing lines during the interview

  6. Is Douchinger actually trying to make a good guy sound bad? For being good? What a complete and total douche. I wouldn’t grant this asshole an interview either, i can’t blame Foles for telling him to go screw off. Foles gave us an excellent season and he’s even got problems with that? He wants him to do shots? WTF Douchinger must be making a desperate attempt to stay employed or something. Another reason I hate the media in the area. Trying to make news where there is none.

  7. Athletic, humble, intelligent, wealthy, stable family, huge cock; this guy is a fucking winner and he going to lead the Eagles to greatness under Chip.

    Big Balls Chip + Big Cock Foles = Superbowl.

  8. At least nick has a big cock & isn’t going around snorting coke in bathrooms

  9. Why was that article interesting? Let me save you 10 minutes of your life and give you the thumbnail:

    1.) Nick Foles’ parents did well for themselves and he grew up very comfortably (oh noooooooooze!!!!! The 1%!!! Run for your lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
    2.) Nick Fles was awkward (omfg!!!!!)
    3.) Nick Foles needs more “swag”. Is there anything more cunty and faggoty than a writer with this viewpoint?

    1. Seriously just add “4) Whatever”, and change your to Cliff Lee Notes and your post would have been perfect.

  10. Interesting story – forgive me if I parse it a bit.

    Buzz actually tips his hand that he’s PISSED THE #$% OFF earlier, in graph eight or so: “It’s admirable. Actually, it’s boring. It’s unrealistic and annoying now, self-subsumption as a form of conceit.”

    That’s a wordy way of saying something really nasty: “Nick is a conceited fraud.”

    Which would be a great story if true – – but Buzz doesn’t make that case. He asserts that a certain amount of overt “ego” is necessary to win in sports, and he asserts that getting drunk and being loud and beating your chest is somehow helpful. He tosses some ideas around, but he doesn’t really build a well-reported case to support the theory that in Nick’s case, the lack of overt ego will somehow stop him from winning, and that he could win more if he talked more to people like Buzz.

    Instead, it sounds to me like Buzz is basically pissed off that Nick didn’t agree to help Buzz, and as a result, Buzz didn’t get much of a story. Buzz had to go down to Texas and do a lot of work trying to find an angle when just four hours with Nick “hanging out” would have given him all he needed. And if you look at the reporting it’s pretty thin, even tho’ I’m sure it took plenty of work: background from press clippings, some financial data about the family & school & community, a couple of wan interviews with high school friends that don’t really tell us anything we didn’t already know from listening to the guy for five minutes. All the racial isolation/life-of-privilege/no-fire stuff is basically Buzz speculating, trying to find some dramatic conflict but not giving us much reason to think he’s right.

    Think about it: the best thing Buzz could find for a Big Life Moment – the big kicker he saves up for the end – was that Foles was on the field when a teammate’s heart stopped, and then went to the hospital to visit him.

    So in lieu of a really strong angle, Buzz spends a lot of time early in the story establishing that in Buzz’s opinion, it’s Nick’s job to talk to the press, that the fans need it, etc.

    Which is, of course, horseshit. It would be nice to read such stories (I’m sure we all remember fondly when Kevin Kolb took Anthony Gargano fishing and let him see “what makes him tick”). But it’s by no means a requirement; particularly not when Foles is otherwise fine (if boring) with the media after games and practices etc. It’s not like the guy hides out or makes an ass of himself (“get out of my face”). He’s entitled to his boundaries, and the fans will learn what makes him tick in other ways. The time may come when he does or fails to do something on or off the field that should oblige him to “open up” to the fans and explain himself, but that time hasn’t come yet.

    I’m a reporter myself so I know what a pain it is when a source won’t talk. But frankly, Buzz’s big mistake is to see that Foles’ reticence is *interesting,* not offensive. What’s wrong with having a QB that doesn’t want to fill the air with a lot of fluff about his personal life? Nothing. But Buzz would like it if Nick was more like Buzz: aggressive, socially ambitious, unapolagetically egotistical, and interested in telling stories full of conflict and drama.

    1. Wow, you seem to have put alot of thought into this.

      You must have posted to the wrong site.

      1. It was my morning exercise in procrastination. You’d be astonished at how easy writing can be when you’re not writing what you’re supposed to be writing.

  11. So, it’s a bad thing that Foles isn’t a preening, look-at-me, asshole….kind of like Buzz?

    Fuck off, Bissinger you asshat.

  12. It’s obvious that Foles is intelligent and makes good decisions with the football.
    I’ve been to Austin twice. great city. been down Westlake Drive. $$$
    ps: Joe Montana don’t know Latin.

  13. Philly Mag allowed that Gargano story about the military sniper (which was all lies) to run in their magazine. Who is dumb enough to let that fucking clown/ star fucker Gargano write a story without fact checking? The minute “Cuz” heard the sniper was a “4 for 4” guy he slurped on his cock and spit out a story that was a total fabrication. Sorta like his South Philly roots are a total fabrication as well.

    1. Cuz slurped that cock like it was a Diablo Primo Hoagie with extra onions and cheese.

      That fat dego is about as South Philly as big fat Josh Innes.

  14. You know how i know Bissinger is an asshole ?

    He’s still hanging onto that high school mentality. ( hanging out in the middle commons)

    Don’t worry Eagle fans…..McCoy & Sproules are gonna make Foles job easier…..

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