Summer Streaming Movie Club: Don Jon

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Every Thursday week this summer and for however long we feel like it, Jim and I will review and discuss a movie (or documentary) – SANS SPOILERS, so you can read even if you haven’t seen it yet – currently available for streaming on one or many of the popular services– Netflix, iTunes, Hulu, Amazon, Vimeo. Think of it as a summer movie club for men… that might last longer than just the summer and isn’t exclusive to men. Today, Don Jon, where Joseph Gordon-Levitt makes his directorial debut in a movie about basically The Situation being obsessed with porn and then falling in love with Scarlett Johansson who has a problem with his porn problem and, bonus!, Julianne Moore again. It’s not a rom-com and features a lot of JG-L flexing and masturbating. Just what you always wanted!

 

Don Jon – 2013, Netflix, Amazon (rental)

 

Kyle: I kept seeing this movie pop up on Apple TV and was thoroughly confused by its existence. I had never heard of it, and I generally think Joseph Gordon-Levitt has an appearance that can’t carry the weighty roles in which he’s cast (or, now, casts himself).

Jim: Look, to start, I just want to say writing, directing and starring in a film is not an easy thing to do. So while I may not have enjoyed the film all that much, JGL deserves a pat on the back. And as for not being able to carry weighty roles, I agree. Part of what gets under my skin about his acting ability is that it seems to be 90% face. So much of his acting in Don JonThe Dark Knight Rises and Inception (the latter two of which I didn’t dislike him in, probably because he was used sparingly) happened between hairline and chin. It’s squishy face all over the place. He was better in Looper, where he was required to do less and his fake Bruce Willis nose got in the way of his face-acting.

Kyle: Totally agree, and he has a baby face. I still can’t see him as anything other than the guy from Third Rock, which is a problem when the movie is about feverish masturbation. Or masturbating feverishly.

The synopsis is that JGL is basically The Situation and he meets Scarlett Johansson (I go by actors’ names usually because, really, that’s what matters here), who ostensibly loves him but isn’t thrilled when she picks up on his habit. At first blush, it appears to be an edgy romantic comedy – and perhaps it is – but it feels different. JGL tried to convey his character’s ritualistic existence through repetition with the editing. That’s putting it kindly, however. I see what he was trying to do, but there’s a point where you can only use the same sequence of cuts before it just gets annoying.

Jim: You took the words right out of my mouth. Extreme close-ups with quick cuts? Long shots that zoom in almost immediately? Wash, rinse, repeat. Also, for the better part of about 80% of this movie, everyone in it is an asshole. I can handle that, and some films pull that off very well, but this one doesn’t. And please, maybe you can explain how (LIGHT SPOILERS) a porn-addicted man who lectures his dad about what a TiVo is doesn’t know there is such a thing as an internet history. JGL has this whole open-collaboration company that deals almost strictly in online content, but he wants us to believe a grown man has never even heard of browser history. It’s 2013, and dude doesn’t even have a password on his laptop. Is he a human man?

Kyle: It’s not believable that such a connoisseur wouldn’t know this stuff. And forget about Incognito mode, that would’ve been way too advanced for him. Judging by his lack of knowledge about the features on a modern web browser, I’m surprised he didn’t download his preferred adult material on Kazaa, or didn’t have a $40-per-month-stealthily-recurring subscription to Brazzers that he accidentally locked himself into after forgetting to cancel his JugFuckers trial.

Jim: That’s probably because JGL (and the producers, I don’t wanna put this all on him) didn’t want to turn down that Pornhub product placement money. It is nice to see, at the end of the credits amongst all of the other technical junk, the Pornhub logo:

don jon credits

I also like that the film employed a “Pornography Consultant.” Like they needed an extra dude on the payroll for that.

Kyle: Honestly, I’m surprised it wasn’t Tony Danza. Dude looks like he knows his way around the web. But imagine being the “Pornography Consultant” for an R-rated movie. Talk about swallowing (spitting?) your pride. I think you’d get more respect as a waiter or fluffer.

Jim: Respect? Sure. But which looks better on your CV? Still probably fluffer. But yeah, back to the movie. I’ll give Scarlett Johansson credit. She fell into her guidette role a lot more comfortably than JGL did into his. JGL looked like the was squirming to get out of his skin for half of the movie, but Johansson — who often lacks charisma — fit pretty comfortably into hers. She chomped on that gum and wore those gigantic hoop earrings like she belonged on the Wildwood Boardwalk. It was a solid performance.

Kyle: Concur. I didn’t doubt for one second her role as a boardwalk slore.

Overall, I was just confused by the movie. It got 81% on Rotten Tomatoes, but I think this is an instance where the Rotten Tomatoes style of rating can be bad. The percentage is based on how many critical reviews were generally positive about the film. So take, for example, Toy Story 3, which got 99%. You’d think that it was the greatest movie of all-time, and going in, I thought that maybe it would be some magical Disney instant-classic. It was good, sure, and it’s nearly impossible to watch a movie like that and not give it a favorable review, but it was far from outstanding. That’s what happened with Don Jon. It was enjoyable, and, if pressed for answer, I’d give it a thumb up, but the 81% set expectations wayyyy higher than they should’ve been. I mean, we’re talking about a movie that leans heavily on montages of JGL whacking it and flexing (for the ladies), and Scarlett Johansson’s overall appearance (for the men). It felt like an unfortunate version of Silver Linings Playbook. Same general theme – loser lives at home with Northeast parents, has an appalling vice, meets well-figured starlet – but lesser in almost every respect. As I said, JGL tried to do some things with camera angles and editing to convey his character’s ritualistic existence – gym, tan, laundry, spank it, CHURCH – that were just too unpolished to be in a major film. It was artistic, but at times not watchable. I did however like the commentary on religion and the bogus-ness of Catholic confession— that part flew under the radar and it was a nice touch.

Jim: Yeah. I’ll give him credit for trying things and being stylish as a director right out of the gate, but I don’t think the film could pass for one directed by a vet or a non-actor. And the church stuff brings up another issue I had with the way the movie chose to tell this story. There was a nice and subtle criticism of the church, the act of confession, and the overall formula of the whole thing. He was doing a good job making that dig, but then, at the end, he had to go and literally spell it out for you, like you hadn’t caught on. That ruined it for me.

Kyle: One last thing: Is Julianne Moore a fine wine?

Jim: We didn’t touch on her role here very much because the conversation would be inherently spoiler-filled, but while I found her plot to be a little hackneyed, you cannot argue that she doesn’t know what she’s doing in front of a camera. Additionally, for my final thought, I haven’t watched it in a while but I do remember really enjoying The Lookout, which does in fact feature JGL acting. So, watch that if you want.

Kyle: I don’t know how much more of him I can take. But for this movie: I give this a solid C overall. Watchable, not great, far from terrible. ScarJo. Porn. JULIANNE MOORE. Tony Danza in a wife beater. Porn. What says you?

Jim: I’m gonna go C+. While I don’t think I’ll ever watch it again, I did find myself chuckling at some points and the “+” is well-earned for the one shot of JGL shooting a basketball like someone who has never shot a basketball before in his entire life.

 

Documentary Recommendations

Kyle

Terms and conditions May Apply – 2013, Netflix

Just what, exactly, you’re signing up for when you click “I agree” online. Great soundtrack, too.

Jim

Encounters at the End of the World – 2007, Netflix

Werner Herzog goes to the end of the world to meet the people who stay in Antarctica long-term, and makes the kind of bizarre observations only Herzog can.

 

Next Week

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Snowpiercer – 2013, iTunes, Amazon

Chris Evans, whose existence was forever ruined for me in Not Another Teen Movie, plays the protagonist in this film about a post-Apocalyptic train carrying the remains of humanity around the frozen world without anyone to do routine track maintenance. It’s available on-demand and for rent on iTunes and Amazon.

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60 Comments

  • Jim's Biggest Hater July 18, 2014 at 3:36 pm

    Told you he was jerking off!

    Reply
    • Jen's biggest supporter July 18, 2014 at 3:59 pm

      I am jim’s Biggest supporter and even I think he’s a jerk off and that this is so stupid. Fuck Kyle fuck Jim and fuck your stupid movie club

      Reply
    • Kyle's Wife Bangs Black Dudes July 20, 2014 at 1:05 am

      This site has not only jumped the shark, it was just ASS RAPED by the fin.

      Fuck this place, I am out. Even the comment section FUCKING SUCKS anymore.

      Reply
  • The real Ms. CB July 18, 2014 at 3:41 pm

    this movie sucks. I have no doubt you “streamed”

    Reply
    • Jaime July 19, 2014 at 1:39 pm

      Don jon is sexy tho

      Reply
  • Suckitkyle July 18, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    What. The. Fuck?

    Reply
  • Fuck It July 18, 2014 at 3:53 pm

    Should be a horror movie. Anticipation of seeing some skin from Scarlett and to your horror all you get is an old ugly ginger bitch.

    Reply
  • Walter Sobchak July 18, 2014 at 4:03 pm

    I told those fucks down at the league office I don’t roll on Shabbos…

    Reply
    • Donny July 19, 2014 at 9:33 am

      I am the walrus

      Reply
  • Your Mother July 18, 2014 at 4:14 pm

    Please take your movie reviews and shove them directly up your asses.

    Thank you,
    Your Mother

    Reply
  • Cock July 18, 2014 at 4:14 pm

    Hey I don’t remember any dicks this week. Who’s got the bigger dick Michael Sam Petey Pablo or Justin tuck?

    Reply
  • Kyle's Baby Nuts July 18, 2014 at 4:24 pm

    Nothing like reviewing moves that came out two years ago… This segment should go the way of your BYOB tailgate party, death pool, new logo, etc. and fade off into the distance.

    Kyle’s list of failures continues to grow.

    Reply
  • Oh For Fuck's Sake July 18, 2014 at 4:33 pm

    Fuck You.

    Reply
  • Crossing Broad SUCKS!!! July 18, 2014 at 5:18 pm

    Hooray sports!!!!!
    Fuck this website.

    Reply
  • The real Ms. CB July 18, 2014 at 5:52 pm

    fuck Kyle in the face-hole with the business end of a dinosaur dick

    Reply
  • Q-Rid July 18, 2014 at 6:19 pm

    “Nice and subtle criticism of the Church”? Do you also find the comedy of Andrew Dice Clay to be “subtle”? Every stupid thing in this movie was about as subtle as a weedwacker to the groin.

    Don Jon was terrible, this review was terrible, and the format was terrible.

    Reply
  • Steve July 18, 2014 at 6:23 pm

    As bad as this site has gotten, I still…can’t believe this. Kyle, you’re doing it wrong.

    Months before this site is dead

    +/- 14

    Reply
  • wtf July 18, 2014 at 7:34 pm

    I read two and a half sentences of this post and just started saying, gay, you fucking gay gays, gay, fucking gay gays. I stopped reading at that point.

    Reply
  • On a different note July 18, 2014 at 8:09 pm

    All you people who call the Lesean McCoy shady are fucking Homos. Like you’re real boys with him why dont you suck his 12 inch black python you fucking faggots and then thank him for it

    /end rant

    Reply
  • Tom from MySpace July 18, 2014 at 8:25 pm

    Ill be your friend after this site fails like mine did. Oh nm i got bought out for 100mill f off square

    Reply
  • Id bid on Ducis Rogers at a slave auction July 18, 2014 at 8:26 pm

    He would be a great house N

    Reply
    • chuck July 19, 2014 at 1:06 am

      is ducis’ wife white or eyetalian?

      Reply
  • Id bid on Ducis Rogers at a slave auction July 18, 2014 at 8:29 pm

    Who wants a stuffys bag?

    Reply
  • Realist July 19, 2014 at 1:08 am

    God,this is so terrible. If you’re going to include movies that are only available on amazon and iTunes, then you’re just going to be reviewing any fucking popular movie that came out a half a year ago. What is the point?

    Also I’m sure we all heard about Don John when it came out and have read reviews of it before if we contemplated seeing it. If you’re going to continue with this terrible idea, at least try to come up with some lesser known titles people may have missed instead of a very popular one.

    On another note, does anyone else feel like this review is just Kyle talking to himself? Sometimes I wonder if Jim actually exists and isn’t just a fake persona created by Kyle under which to publish his shittier posts. It also serves the purpose of having fake conversations with himself that he thinks are funny.

    Reply
    • Paulie July 20, 2014 at 8:21 am

      Think about this…

      a lotta people here have been bitching about no content on weekends….

      face it…the people who run this site like to have weekends off and this is their way of “appeasing” us with useless info..

      Giving us some movies to watch on the weekend instead of reading new contributions that are possibly sports related…

      it`s obvious that they don`t wanna work on the weekends during the summer…

      Reply
      • Paulie July 20, 2014 at 8:37 am

        One more thing…

        ..not a penny from me goes to these guys..so I guess I get what I pay for ( although these “surveys” are getting on my nerves…knowing he`s making money off my opinions is not what I prefer )

        Is this a 2nd job for these guys?

        Is that why they do things half assed on weekends?

        Reply
  • Billy F July 19, 2014 at 3:05 am

    I don’t mind my favorite Philly sports site doing this movie blog thing. But do you guys have to agree with each other on every point? Anyway, how freaking hot is Scarlett in this movie? Playing up that NY accent combined with her physical ASSets…OMG. And tell me JGL didn’t 100% capture our whacking off process fellas. Aside from that, agreed his acting comes down to his constant facial expressions but the stillness and subtlety ain’t easy, trust me. Also, FIRE RUBEN NOW!

    Reply
    • Kyle's Wife Bangs Black Dudes July 20, 2014 at 1:07 am

      You are a fucking tool.

      Reply
  • All Grown Up July 19, 2014 at 9:39 am

    In other asshat news, Kyle just tweeted that his wife bought him a Playstation for his birthday.

    Pretty sure 16 is the cut off for getting video games for your birthday, so, violation.

    Reply
    • blue89 July 19, 2014 at 12:39 pm

      Right because them vidya games is only for kids! REAL men only play with the TV remote and their cocks! FOOTBALLLLLL!!

      Fuck off.

      Reply
    • Realist July 19, 2014 at 12:42 pm

      Actually that was someone else tweeting Kyle saying that his wife bought him a PS4. Kyle was just replying to the tweet. How about reading things through next time you fucking philistine?

      Reply
  • All Grown Up July 19, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    Wow, thank you both for your insightful and thoughtful responses.

    You may resume paying for sex now.

    Reply
    • Realist July 19, 2014 at 1:06 pm

      You’re quite welcome. Just thought I’d correct you since, you know, your post said something entirely wrong. It’s probably good for you to understand how twitter works since it’s 2014 you fucking troglodyte.

      Reply
      • All Grown Up July 19, 2014 at 1:10 pm

        I will man up when I am wrong…and I was wrong. Read it really quickly. Wasn’t Kyle tweeting it. We have enough to bash him about without getting things wrong.

        Thought the trolls ran you off of here…..

        Reply
        • Realist July 19, 2014 at 1:47 pm

          My handle gets used all the time by random people. If someone using it said that they’re not coming to this site anymore, that wasn’t me. I still come here but mostly for the comments and to point out Kyle’s blatant hypocrisy. Because, as we can all pretty much agree on, most of the articles are terrible. This one is pretty much just Kyle talking to himself.

          The fact that he specifically didn’t want to hire someone with sports writing aspirations tells you all you need to know about what he thinks of this “sports” blog. God forbid he gets someone with actual sports knowledge to present an opposing view point. Kyle being the TMZ wannabe writing about what dudes he likes and how big their dicks are could’ve actually worked well with someone who knows sports. But instead he hired another hipster who will just agree with everything he says because he barely knows anything about sports. “Yeah Kyle I totally agree the flyers would’ve definitely won 18 Stanley cups in the past three years if they kept Richards and Carter. And yeah because I disagreed with those moves, I’m also completely incapable or objectively judging any other move Paul Holmgren has made during his entire tenure as GM.”

          Reply
          • I come here for the comments July 19, 2014 at 2:46 pm

            Preach

  • haha July 19, 2014 at 1:00 pm

    Two dudes talking about another dudes face. Stick to sports.

    Reply
  • Tom Chambers July 19, 2014 at 1:41 pm

    Sounds like Kyle is biting off macnow’s shtick. What’s next a burger hunt lol lol lol lol lmao jk ttyl

    Reply
  • I come here for the comments July 19, 2014 at 2:40 pm

    See, this is what you get when you whine about no original content.

    Reply
  • Calling Bullshit July 19, 2014 at 3:17 pm

    Not sure reviewing a 2 year old movie with yourself is original content.

    For all you trolls that will tell me not to visit anymore because I say this site blows now….

    Go fuck yourselves. This site blows right now.

    I haven’t posted under this handle for quite a while because all of you mouth breathing jerk offs kind of ruined it…and I won’t post under it again. So, have fun making fun of me; using the handle; and basically being dicks.

    Reply
    • Calling Bullshit July 20, 2014 at 3:07 pm

      ^^not me. Get a fucking life douche nozzle.

      Reply
      • Anthony Cumia"s Deleted Twitter Feed July 20, 2014 at 3:33 pm

        Ha Ha Ha

        Ha Ha

        Ha

        The handle copying isn’t fucking funny anymore. Come up with something original, or kill yourself.

        Reply
    • Realist July 20, 2014 at 7:03 pm

      And you are……?????????

      Reply
      • Anthony Cumia"s Deleted Twitter Feed July 20, 2014 at 7:11 pm

        Does it matter? Because I doubt you are “Realist”.

        The whole handle stealing thing got worn out when the FOX29 Traffic Whore thing started to peter out.

        Reply
  • Ted Danson July 19, 2014 at 3:45 pm

    “Same general theme – loser lives at home with Northeast parents, has an appalling vice, meets well-figured starlet – but lesser in almost every respect. ”

    Except JGL didn’t live at home with his parents in Don Jon and he wasn’t a loser. Did you watch the movie?

    Reply
  • T July 19, 2014 at 7:24 pm

    I visit this site every like 2 weeks and every single time i do it gets substantially worse/gayer. But today was it , im done with this site

    Reply
  • T July 19, 2014 at 7:26 pm

    O and one last note, Don Jon is brutal, lets have some womanizer fall in love… Yeah thats really original

    Reply
  • GOODBYE July 20, 2014 at 1:09 am

    This post singlehandedly made you lose a fan of the site. I used to visit this site daily, until the content became gayer and gayer and gayer and gayer. The straw that broke the camels back is this fucking despicable post about an absolutely atrocious movie. It deeply saddens movie that your website has turned to complete SHIT. Get back to the basics. Fire Jim. You should value Quality over Quantity.

    Reply
  • Snake July 20, 2014 at 8:37 am

    I’m done with this site. It’s over & a wrap for me. This site is catering to much to the gays & women

    Reply
  • Klye penis monster July 20, 2014 at 8:39 am

    I didn’t read the article, but it was propanol stupid. Let have. Dick contest. Get k to c to judge cause she’s seen a lot and show each other our cocks? Shit, I’ll even host it. Replay to this post with “fuck you asshole” or something similar to RSVP

    Reply
  • This Is The End July 20, 2014 at 9:18 am

    This “sports” blog has devolved into the most transparently lazy way for a guy from Horsham to sit home and make “six figures” off of a clickbait site with 300 ads shoved in each page around Jim’s comma outbreaks and in-depth news about athlete’s penises.

    I used to love this site but it’s gotten so bad that it pushed me to The Good Phight, which I never really paid attention to, and it turns out that site is a trillion times better than this. So happy trails going ass-to-ass with your purple dog toys, sorry I’ll miss next week’s highly anticipated review of Inception, and I hope you are both found dead with each other’s dicks in your mouths.

    Reply
    • Chip Kelly's Calves July 21, 2014 at 10:03 am

      Just checked it out, not bad. Any alternative to this dreck is good.

      Reply
  • 8=====D July 20, 2014 at 9:30 am

    If you are one of the losers that complains constantly about no posts on the weekend you need need to either get a dog get, a girlfriend, or get a family because you are a fucking loser. How big of a part of your life is this stupid site anyway that you take the time to complain about it? I hate Kyle and Jim as much as the next guy because theyre total D bags, but still they want a break on the weekend like everybody else go play in the park or something you fucking cock munchers.

    Reply
  • For Fuck's Sake July 20, 2014 at 9:48 am

    Anyone who would like some content on the week ends would still rather have nothing than this faggoty ass bullshit. Movie reviews??? Of a 2 year old chick flick?? Fuck off.

    Better to put the “closed” sign up on the site than post this dopey shit.

    And, believe it or not, it is possible to have a productive and fulfilling life and still check in at CB once in a while.

    Reply
  • The real Ms. CB July 20, 2014 at 3:07 pm

    this sucks more than I do. and believe me, I suck. fingers, toes, cocks. left and right, to and fro. except kyle’s because he’s a fucking herb. I heard his girlfriend took it up the ass from joel embiid.

    Reply
  • Wheels is back July 20, 2014 at 5:51 pm

    Hey fans, the Phillies just rehired me to shave McCarthy’s balls. Happy to be back.

    Reply
  • Jerry Seinfeld July 21, 2014 at 7:44 am

    Hey Kyle “The faggot” scott…I though by hiring Jim youd fix this whole not posting on the weekends thing. I hate both of you. Youre a couple of blood cunts and I hope you both choke on thick cocks you faggotass fucking pieces of trash.

    Reply
  • Your Mother July 21, 2014 at 8:20 am

    If this isn’t trolling at it’s worst please shut this fucking site down son. It has taken a huge steaming pile of shit and turned it into a sloppy, runny, splattered all over the fucking place bowl of diarrhea. If I have to read the title to Don Jon one more time this site is dead to me.

    Reply
  • Sheckler July 21, 2014 at 8:46 am

    This is so awful, it made my check my calendar just to make sure it wasn’t April 1st.

    For real though, what the FUCK is this shit? This is the equivalent of a cooking blog making a post about cars and trucks. Know your brand, dumbass.

    If the movie was Invincible, or something like that – MAYBE, just MAYBE, you could get a pass on this. However, this is inexcusable.

    Reply
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