Philly Kids Lose to Men from Sin City

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I’m rage posting right now. I’m several beers deep, am watching the post-game show for a Little League game, just yelled at my wife for removing her rally cap, and have the uncontrollable urge to Mitch Williams an umpire with a stump hand who, I think, is volunteering for the betterment of the youth of America but also perhaps on the take from a Vegas casino because his Transformer strike zone shrinks to a harmless little box when Taney is on the mound, but grows THIIIIIIIS BIG and has all sorts of protruding extensions that make no sense when Vegas is in the field.

This is why we can’t have nice things, Philadelphia. Oh, here comes sweet, little Taney, with a diverse group of characters and a girl as their star player.  Now, let’s stack the deck against them. Let’s have them play NEVADA, a team whose name I write in ALL CAPS to symbolize the giant man children who play for them. That’s just Austin Kryczyukycycykykcykuk– he’s six feet tall with junior prom acne, advancing stubble, a Biogenesis arm, and a newborn at home (congrats to him and his wife!). His nickname is AK-47, because that’s not fucking terrifying or anything. Is this The Hunger Games? Where’s Katniss? I NEED KATNISS. And there’s the first baseman, who has the exact same measurements as me – 6’0, 168 – but our ages are an anagram. Oh and they’re all coached by John Harbaugh lookalike, Captain America, who delivered the following speech to new dad Kryschsdasdfsad on live TV:

“This is America. This is why we’re here. To play the game of baseball. The freedoms that we have.”

That happened. No really. A grown man used his 15 minutes to try to encapsulate the underlying message of The Sandlot during a mound visit to his very own sub-human MAN CHILD. I half expected a voiceover about Wendy Peffercorn to follow. Pretty sure Kryscsadfdakfjdcuk responded with: “If he dies, he dies.”

And despite all that, Taney still had a chance to win the game, to blow it wide open with men people on-base. But nope. Along came Donovan J. McNabb and his mush-ism, which made its way to ESPN:

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THANKS, FIVE. NO ONE LOVES YOU. Somehow, it’s all McNabb’s fault. Again. I need to go to bed… with my #rallycap.

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42 Responses

  1. Well, I feel your pain regarding the strike zone. As for the player’s sizes, their first baseman is the son of a Jersey Shore baseball product out of Central Regional High School whom I have known for decades. His son is a good kid….and he’s really that tall at that age. In six more inches he’ll catch up to his old man.

  2. It’s difficult enough to read this shit when you’re pretending to be sober.

  3. Wow, you sound like every person stupid enough to care about the ultimate prospects of a Little League team, ever.

    “CALEB TRIED HIS BEST BUT IT’S NOT FAIR THE OTHER KIDS WERE TOO BIG!”

    Write a letter to the Athletic Association, hun.

      1. Bwhahaha. That made me laugh more than anything on this site in months.
        10 points to Griffindor.

  4. MoNe Davis looks to be 16 or 17 years old. That Kai kid is six feet tall, but yeah, Vegas is using ringers.

    Its so embarrassing to be a Philly sports fan because of this shit. Taney got destroyed. Mone Davis came up small, struck out looking, bitched about it and was the losing pitcher.

    However, the main problem is that ESPN, SI, philly.com, this site put so much emphasis on CHILDREN playing a game. Its ridiculous and out right disgusting.

    Speaking of Mone that Richardson kid came in, threw faster and better pitches and is a better all around player, but he’s not a gimmick, so let’s ignore him.

    1. I nominate your crazy rant as the more embarrassing selection..”outright disgusting”?….no

      1. Na he’s right mo’ne got shelled all that hype for what? That little girl has a bad fucking attitude. Did you see her pouting all fucking game after there coach shelled her? She ain’t that good dickbag and that’s the truth. I’m willing to bet that Austin kid will get drafted that boy can play but wheres the media coverage? 10 years from now mone Davis will be a after thought. Watch espn do a where the fuck is she now documentary.

        1. She got shelled? She gave up 3 runs in 2 and a third. That Vegas team was AVERAGING 3 per inning for the LLWS coming into the game. She didn’t get shelled, she did the best any pitcher has against them so far.

          Taney got beat because that Nevada team is ridiculous, made really good defensive plays and the umpire had a fucked up strike zone.

          1. Don’t bother using logic. This website only has a comment section so idiots can spew hate/racism/ignorant thoughts anonymously.

  5. Thank god after tomorrow we don’t have to hear about this annoying bunch of losers anymore. Do you think in 5 years when Mo’ne is sharing a cell with Bertha and being forced to use her tongue as toilet paper, or is pushing out her 6th kid she’ll be saying “hey remember when I was on that little league team and was famous for a week?”

    1. Wow, what an idiotic, racist comment. An awesome female athlete who posts honors grades at a prestigious private school, yet she us going to end up in prison or with a houseful of babies? Reality, my guess is that one day the likes of you will end up working for Mo’Ne. Don’t worry, people don’t have a bad thing to say about her so she ‘ll make a decent boss.

  6. You hit the nail on the head with that Hunger games reference, that first baseball is a god damn career tribute from district one with a nickname like AK-47.

  7. I”m just sad. I was hoping Mo’ne’s mom was gonna get another neck tattoo of the LLWS Championship.

  8. The current S.I. cover gets shelled, goes to play first base and makes a crucial error and strikes out and cries. I agree with the previous poster, the other pitcher was better.

  9. Wow you really did it! This is why Philly fans get a bad name.
    You are trashing a 13 yr old kid saying he is a new dad? C’mon man, you’re acting like a 10 yr old. That’s disgusting!

    You will be one of those asshole parents that is screaming and shouting at their kids game because you never amounted to nothing in sports. Go ahead and embarrass your kid and have them hate you for being such a mindless dickhead.

    Don’t get too wrapped up in it. Remember they are KIDS and they are having the time of their lives. It’s not time to cry foul, the better team won. Teach them something about good sportsmanship, aka grow up Peter Pan.

    This blog always teetered on the line of inappropriate trash to somewhat entertaining useful info. After this post, it’s a definite inappropriate trash blog of tasteless demeaning writing. A 13 year old, really?!?!? You’re such a douche!

    1. That Chucks the fuckboy does not agree with you. Always feels better about himself after picking on a child.

      1. Hi faggot that’s a enough out of you don’t be mad cause you were born out of a test tube. Fucking retard

        1. Arrrrrrrghhhhh…I’m doing sets on my keyboard…arrrrgghhh….I lift…..then after I finish I like a nice protein shot…on my face…arrrrrggghhhh

  10. That Nevada team is just badass with the bats all around while Taney has a handfull of good hitters. It’s not an even match, but with baseball you just never know. Like the Phillies taking their last series with Seattle for instance. Taney isn’t eliminated to the morons saying” good we don’t need to hear about them anymore”. It’s double elimination. they are 2-1. If they win their next game they go to the championship round.

  11. Ahahahhaahaha they got destoyed! And quit whining about the ump and the size of the Nevada kids. That little wannabe boy got smacked around on the mound and made errors in the field. Did she also go 0-fer at the plate too?

    And you want to talk about the size of the kids? Take a look at Zion. He looks at least 16. I want to see a birth certificate. Cheaters.

  12. Hey a completely original post! Not just a copy/paste of someone else’s article.
    Good job Kyle!

    You should get drunk before every blog article.

    What was your beverage of choice? Natty Light I’m guessing, being the cheap SOB you are…

    Bringo
    !

  13. The Springside Academy of Chestnut Hill promotes he/she athletics and recruits in the inner city. Mo’ne drives enrollment.
    The flight from Nutter Public Schools in full display.

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