Gooooooooooooooooooood morning, Philadelphia! Summer vacation is over, the kids are heading back to school, and everyone is back in the office, chained to desks until after the last drop of snow falls sometime in March. Today is easily one of my favorite days of the year. I’ve been walking around the house proclaiming it Work Christmas and now I think Mrs. CB wants a divorce before even three months of marriage. I feel like the dad in that Most Wonderful Time of Year Staples commercial from a few years back. Yeah, yeah, I know everyone hates today, and I feel you, but the Eagles’ season is just five days away, the Flyers are slowly starting to migrate back into town, the Phillies just thew a no-hitter, and the webnets are aflood – aflood! – with naked pictures of your favorite celebrities– Kate Upton’s saggy breasts, JLaw(!), a haggard-looking Kirsten Dunst, and Justin Verlander’s floppy penis.*
*Can someone please tell me why he doesn’t have any foreskin? One of the great mysteries of our time will forever be “Why doesn’t Justin Verlander have foreskin? And why is Kate Upton seemingly OK with this?”
Let’s hit it!
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The Phillies pitched a no-hitter yesterday! And no one cares. I know it’s a combined no-hitter and not nearly as big of a deal, but boy is everyone nonchalant about it. When I told my dad (who loves no-hitters more than anything in sports) about it yesterday, he responded with a euphoric meh. This is what the Phillies have done to us. A Labor Day no-hitter against the Braves and no one gives a shit. Think I’m kidding? Philly.com this morning:
It’s second fiddle to conjecturing Eagles stories and slightly more important than a two-years-from-now Sixer taking an elbow from Andres Nocioni. Fun times.
Cole Hamels said the game ball will go to David Montgomery:pic via (@RyanLawrence21)
The Madden 15 tiny Titan glitch is outstanding. Since Nnamdi Asomugha is no longer in the game, EA Sports had to find a suitable replacement.
Ron Hextall will use advanced metrics but won’t go overboard, he whispered to a reporter this weekend:
In many ways, hockey has been considered to be lagging behind the other three so-called “major” sports. The use of advanced metrics is one of those cases since baseball, football and basketball have used them for quite some time.
There is, however, a point of going overboard.
“Absolutely,” Hextall said. “Hockey’s not a static game. Baseball is. Baseball, I think it can be used as more of a tool. I think hockey might get there, but we’ve got work to do.”
I think that’s a great way of describing it. Baseball lends itself to analytics because every play has a measurable result. That’s not the case in hockey. Way more intangibles that are difficult to quantify. I mean, is there a stat for beating the shit out of a man and it turning around the season, Ray Emery? Probably not.
The Revel closed this morning, because there are not enough wannabe-fly assholes in the tri-state area.
Can someone please tell me WHY THE FUCK Jesse Jackson escorted Mo’ne Davis to a meeting with the Chicago Little League team in Chicago this weekend? That man doesn’t miss a chance for shameless self-promotion.
Ceel-Lo Green says it’s not rape if woman is unconscious, apologizes, deletes Twitter account.
Fashion editor Dan and I discuss Nike’s green problem. Listen here.