Last night the Sixers invited assorted media and bloggers to the Wells Fargo Center to preview their new magic court projection system. We were each given our own locker in NBA Locker Room 2 (I presume this is used solely for LeBron’s entourage when he’s in town) which came with a nameplate, official NBA socks (HOT), and four tickets to the home opener (nothing like kissing up before this festering turd of a season). After showing off the wiz-bang projection system – which is pretty fantastic and I imagine even cooler in an arena
full partly full with at least tens of fans in attendance – we were led down to the floor for custom intros complete with (terrifying) smoke machines, Sixers Phlight Squad chest bumps (bungled mine), and Matt Cord, who most likely would’ve preferred to have been doing anything else at that particular moment.
There was a game of Knockout, which kicked off with me taking a rogue Spalding to the face. Thankfully, no blood. But I was this close to being the blogger who got a bloody nose all over the Sixers’ court… though that may have proven to be the hardwood’s high point of the season.
And then, a three-point contest. Jim and I each made two shots.
Jump shot breakdown:
Jim: Low release point, but gets the shot off quickly enough to avoid being blocked. Could use a little more height on the jump. His spring forward resembles a bird hopping to its next breadcrumb, which creates a weird juxtaposition with his Zach Galifianakis-meets-Shawn-Marion overall look. But still, effective. B-.
Mine (written by Jim): I didn’t get video of Kyle’s three-point contest round — and I don’t remember how many he made — but his shot is certainly more rhythmic and dare I say normal than mine. It’s fundamentals from bottom to top, and where it seemed like my shot was either in or not even remotely close, Kyle’s were at least consistently rim-adjacent. I also bit pretty hard on one of his pump fakes in the 5-on-5 game and envisioned coming down wrong on my ankle and making a real fool of myself. Luckily, I landed relatively balanced. B.
Sixers and Devils CEO Scott O’Neil won both Knockout and the three-point contest. He’s a monster. But more on him in a second, because I have to talk about the 5-on-5 game.
Side 1 (with sub): Me, Marshall Harris (CSN), Derek Bodner (Liberty Ballers, 97.3 ESPN), Eliot Shorr-Parks (NJ.com), and two Sixers employees that I didn’t know who are probably super important.
Side 2: Jim, Scott O’Neil (Sixers and Devils CEO), Mike Missanelli (97.5 The Fanatic), Jason McIntyre (The Big Lead), and another Sixers employee that wasn’t Sam Hinkie.
Selective scouting reports: Eliot is all-around solid and able to drive effectively, though Jim did send one of his shot attempts into, no joke, the third row. Jim and his hipster sweatpants are deceptively skilled, and they ran at least one effective backdoor cut thanks to a nasty screen Missanelli set on yours truly. I think it was a moving pick, to be honest, but I’d expect nothing less from someone who teaches in the shadow of Phil Martelli at St. Joe’s.
My heat check was lukewarm at best. I think I went 0-for-4 from the field with a couple of rim-outs and a circus shot miss as I drove the lane one-on-one against O’Neil. There it was, my one shot at glory and an NBA contract, and I missed everything.
O’Neil, who can’t stop, wouldn’t stop moving*, was the story of the game. Whatever quality makes someone successful enough to be the CEO of two sports teams, is exactly the same quality that suits them up in official NBA game shorts and layered team-issued warmups, and gives them an on-court demeanor that I would describe as “friendly, but no seriously I came to win get off my floor if you’re not here to do the same” for a late-night pickup game against strange bedfellows. At one point I was doubled over, wondering if I was about to become that 31-year-old who suffered a heart attack, and looked up to see what I think was O’Neil trying to get his team to run a full-court trap on Harris. I was searching for oxygen, O’Neil was searching for the nail in the coffin. His team eventually found it. They finished us off, 11-10, and not a moment too soon. The legs hurt today. The legs hurt.
*We’re celebrating Taylor Swift’s album release by crowbarring one of her lyrics into every post today. Jim might quit by the end of the day.
Jim, honestly, kill yourself. did you seriously wear tapered sweatpants out in public?? Never shoot a basketball in public again…like ever. Just tell people you pulled something in your rib cage you hipster fairy. God dude, your dad probably hates you so much.
wow, i cannot wait to see the comments that follow this post. they will be epic.
hahahaha holy shit Jim, have you done anything athletic in your entire life? I don’t know whats worse, your outfit, your shot, or your run to the next rack during the point contest. wow
Wow, a real “who’s who” of nobodies, which is basically what you can say about the Sixers roster as well.
Jim is everything wrong with this fucking generation. His actions and appearance in this video are further proof of this statement.
1 – SWEATPANTS – These aren’t any kind of NORMAL sweat pants ladies and gents. These are tight as fuck, hugging the body from your ass to your ankles. Basically, sweatpants worn by any man who was alive when FDR was president.
2 – LACK OF COORDINATION/ATHLETICISM – No comment needed. The man writes about sports, yet has obviously never played a second of them in his life.
If a person can’t spell, they shouldn’t host a fucking Spelling Bee. Why does Jim get to blog about sports when it’s painfully obvious he’s never participated in any sport.
Holy crap I have so many thoughts….let’s just roll through these.
1. Jesus christ Jim. He looks like a bigger loser than I even imaged. And then his shot. My goodness. I am unathletic and shoot like a retarded chimp but Jim takes it to another level. What in the holy hell.
2. Gangsta rap music as Kyle shoots a 3. Yea. Serious or ironic-trying-to-be-funny, either way, you’re a douchebag.
3. Did anyone slip and fall from the grease dripping off Missanelli? Why was he there? He’s a radio host. Sort of.
4. Why was Jason McIntyre there? Why someone from CSN? Why did they have to fill out the teams with nondescript Sixers employees? Did all the real journalists have ANYTHING better to do than take free gifts from the team they cover? Did they also have credibility?
5. JESUS CHRIST JIM SHOOTS LIKE HE IS A MENTALLY CHALLENGED TEENAGE GIRL!!!!!
Christ…You two are the whitest of white boys and not in a Steve Kerr or Larry Bird sort of way…
Pretty decent event though. Thoroughly surprised one of you wasn’t offered the league minimum to go out there and not score points…
Jim shoots like he blogs
High and outside?
We’re seriously giving KS a pass for that shot? On the line both times and fell forward 5 feet. Lack of upper body strength to get it to the hoop in a fluid motion. And best of all, his man servant lapped it up basically like a JV bench warmer kissing a varsity starter’s ass. This is a low day for a low site. The bloggers this team deserves, and all that.
this post and comments section is like christmas morning
Kyles foot was on the line. He got beat by fat body jim.
KYKLESSSNNOTTTTTTT! YOU AND JIM ARE WITHOUT A DOUBT THE MOST PUTRID EXCUSES FOR ATHLETES IN HUMAN HISTORY. Never before has anyone made the white man look worse than this shit awful piss poor demonstration of your calisthenics. Its worse than the time rRHEA HUHES penetrated my anal cavity with her bulbous, dinosauric, mammoth, pulsating, dry, enflammed, green, infected 32 inch boner. Snott- yku and jim badhair have brought ultimate shame down upon this city and upon my wrinkled festering scrotum. Go fuck yourselves.
I read this in that nasaly voice Joe Conklin uses when imitating Cataldi.
Based off the evidence from this video, Kyle must have been absolutely fucking horrendous at ice hockey.
Yeah he must have, he should join the Iron Abbey team, perennial losers!
How Jim runs from rack to rack may be the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen.
Jim…wow man…How can you write for a sports blog when you probably couldnt even make a middle school girls basketball team? Geeze that was pathetic.
The saddest thing is that the crowd there will be similar to a actual sixers game
Pretty much sums up the reason as to why neither of you can write an intelligent article on actual sports.
The comments from this post alone will cover the bills for a few months.
Just when I thought you guys couldn’t get any more gay you go ahead and put Taylor swift lyrics in your posts?
Both of you shoot like complete assholes. But Jim, holy shit dude…
I can’t believe you guys put that on the internet for people to actually watch. Holy shit, I’m embarrassed for you just watching that train wreck. I’m not saying I’m even a little better than either of you but I wouldn’t tape myself “playing basketball” and then put it on a website populated by people who actively hate me. You guys have to be masochists or something.
I refuse to believe anyone wears those sweatpants….they are making me cringe for you….i, i, i just don’t want to believe it.
Tack on the bird stepping run between racks, this has to be a joke….sorry, i’m not sorry
OMG. Jim- Tight sweatpants and new balances. LMAO. That is all.
James, you’re shot reminds of the jump shot of a certain young man I played ball with years ago in the Hills of Beverly. The year was 1969, his nickname “The Hollywood Airballer” you might know him better as Joe Banner.
They should have invited Josh Innes there, and had him square up against Mikey Miss. Epic battle…
I didn’t know they made yoga pants for dudes.
They don’t, Kyle ordered them special for Jim with all his sweet t-shirt money
Kyle, the only person in danger of dropping over from a heart attack is Mike Miss. The guy almost died a few months ago from clogged arteries but they got a stent installed just in time. Too many cigars and Italian food, and half court balling doesnt count as excersise.
I forgot to ask how the shower orgy went at the end.
Who came first? How big is Missinelli’s pecker? Did Jim lube his asshole up before Kyle slammed his 3 inch beast in there? Did everyone share?
SO MANY QUESTIONS!
Fuggin trainwreck….GREATEST POST EVER
so Jim, did you feel gayer wearing those sweatpants from 6th grade, or when Kyle made you play with his little baby d!ck?
Two things hon…Was Jim over the house BC I’m missing a pair of workout pants? Also..the purple dog toy is gone as well.
sweats aren’t supposed to accentuate your calves…
wait, are those danskins?
Where are those sweatpants even sold? Were they from like 8th grade? Lmfao
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