The Football Players at CB West Were Acting out Tosh.0’s Slap-Lick-Fondle

"And there's Marla Hooch-- what a hitter!" pic via CB West Facebook page
“And there’s Marla Hooch– what a hitter!” pic via CB West Facebook page

This one’s probably gonna need a web redemption.

Bucks Country District Attorney David Heckler spoke today about the incidents that led to the suspension of the CB West football team. Three activities seem to be the culprit:

1) Sugar cookie– making players go in the showers covered in talcum powder.

2) Waterboarding, sort of– making players walk through the showers with towels over their heads (while not technically waterboarding, the drowning feeling of a wet towel over your mouth is basically the same thing). From the Bucks Country Courier Times:

But more troubling, he said, was what the players called “waterboarding,” where players put towels over other player’s heads and walked them through the showers.

He said while what the students did was not an accurate representation of the torture technique known to have been used in interrogation, it is “potentially very concerning.”

“Now we know, if done seriously by people intending to make you believe you’re going to drown, that’s a very serious activity,” he said. “This is an area that I would like to know more about, certainly if somebody aspirated a significant amount of water … That’s potentially very serious. We don’t know to what extent this was taken.”

3) “Slap it, lick it, grab it.”

Heckler said the fourth activity that the team is believed to have participated in and his office is investigating involved players allegedly engaging in a game called “slap it, lick it, grab it” from the comedy show “tosh.0.” Heckler said it involved rookie players being forced to lick and slap each other’s faces and grab each others clothed genitalia.

Heckler said this activity has the potential to be considered indecent assault, depending on what might have occurred. All of these activities, he said, are alleged to have occurred without any coaches present.

It’s Slap-Lick-Fondle, and these guys… are playing that game all wrong:

Get More: Comedy Central


HOT TAKE: The first one is fine. The second one is frightening, and yeah, potentially dangerous. The third one… dude, guys, maybe ask the cheerleaders if they want to play.

Related: The head coach issued a statement and said that he basically had no idea what was going on.


20 Responses

  1. I would like it if he someone grabbed my dick when Rhea was fingering Al’s butthole.

  2. Look at that fat Bay area rapper E-40 sitting behind home plate wearing a San Francisco Giants jacket taunting the KC fans(fat bastard).

  3. Not the dreaded sugar cookie! I remember when I was a fat girl in High School and the boys used to douse me in talcum powder.

  4. Kids doing stupid kids stuff!? We can’t have that! The next thing you know they’ll be riding their bikes without helmets while drinking large sugar-filled sodas. We must ensure that these children are fine upstanding citizens that hopefully find a same sex partner.

    1. So says the Loser Romney voter. Or the Romney loser voter. Whatever, you get the idea. you’ve been living it since 2008. Hey, there’s a liberal under your bed. Boo!

      1. Robert, I hope your boyfriend and you enjoy pretending that you’re man and wife. The upside for the rest of us is that you can’t reproduce.

        1. Buddy, I’ve been married to my wife for 21 years. You conservatives just can’t get it through your head that there a a lot of people who think being gay is OK. As far as reproducing goes, I feel sorry for your kids. If you have any. They’re probably going to grow up as bigoted as their parents.

    2. I’m an Obama voter who agrees with your sarcasm when it comes to bike helmets, soda, etc. We spend too much time this country worrying and looking for problems that at the end of the day are inconsequential.

      We’re terrified by Ebola but do little about obesity which will assuredly kill more Americans than Ebola. At the end of the day, the media drives discourse in this country to a very unsettling degree. And the media is going to beat this story into the ground.

      1. Jim, I would agree with some of that too but the hazing at CB West (and other places) isn’t comparable with bicycle helmets. Then the ‘if you don’t agree with me, you’re gay’ bullshit just tops it off. I played high school sports and nobody grabbed my crotch. You don’t need to haze to have a successful sports program or to teach teamwork through sports.

        1. I don’t disagree with you, but I don’t think hazing is the end of the world either. It’s like the obsession with bullying in schools these days. We’ve paid so much attention to the concept of bullying that it’s lost all meaning in schools. Everything is bullying now.

          For example, I have a friend who teaches elementary school and she gets complaints like this from her kids:

          Kid: “Ms. So and So, little Billy is bullying me.”

          Ms. So and So: “Okay, Sally, what is he doing?”

          Kid: “He said he didn’t want to play with me. He’s bullying me.”

          Ms. So and So: “Well, Sally, little Billy is allowed to play with whomever he wants. Not wanting to play with you isn’t bullying.”

          Kid: “Yes it is. My mom said so.”

          That conversation in a nutshell is what’s wrong with our silly no tolerance bullying and hazing policies. They distract from real issues.

          1. Yes that is one extreme. The other extreme is kids dying. What happened at CB West I guess is somewhere in the middle but the two are drastically different. In your example it is one kid and another kid in one instance. At CB West is was organized and ongoing. What you think is ‘silly’ some other parent may not. And what starts as ‘silly’ can progress into something much worse. They cancelled 2 games. That isn’t the ‘end of the world’ for these kids. If they think it is or their parents think it is, their world is pretty small.

  5. “while not technically waterboarding, the drowning feeling of a wet towel over your mouth is basically the same thing”

    This is such an ignorant remark I’m not really sure where to begin. Keep up the good work?

  6. Conduct in and of itself was wrong. Needed to be dealt with. Not allowing those involved to participate in football was probably correct. Those that were not involved should not be punished. If you can’t field a team after that numbers wise…so be it. There is no ” i ” in team. Carry on.

  7. What’s most astonishing in these comments is there are morons actually admitting they voted for Obama. Hahahahaha, you fucking jizz stains!!!!

  8. Ummm Kyle!? Hellooooo??? This story is exactly a week old and you still haven’t made any CB West T-shirts? What gives? I already gave you some solid ideas.

    CB West, It’s Only Gay If You Cum

    CB West Football #grabbindicks #beatinchicks

    CB West Overreachers? Overreactors*

    Hazing Wins Football! #fondle

Comments are closed.