The Football Players at CB West Were Acting out Tosh.0's Slap-Lick-Fondle

“And there’s Marla Hooch– what a hitter!” pic via CB West Facebook page

This one’s probably gonna need a web redemption.

Bucks Country District Attorney David Heckler spoke today about the incidents that led to the suspension of the CB West football team. Three activities seem to be the culprit:

1) Sugar cookie– making players go in the showers covered in talcum powder.

2) Waterboarding, sort of– making players walk through the showers with towels over their heads (while not technically waterboarding, the drowning feeling of a wet towel over your mouth is basically the same thing). From the Bucks Country Courier Times:

But more troubling, he said, was what the players called “waterboarding,” where players put towels over other player’s heads and walked them through the showers.

He said while what the students did was not an accurate representation of the torture technique known to have been used in interrogation, it is “potentially very concerning.”

“Now we know, if done seriously by people intending to make you believe you’re going to drown, that’s a very serious activity,” he said. “This is an area that I would like to know more about, certainly if somebody aspirated a significant amount of water … That’s potentially very serious. We don’t know to what extent this was taken.”

3) “Slap it, lick it, grab it.”

Heckler said the fourth activity that the team is believed to have participated in and his office is investigating involved players allegedly engaging in a game called “slap it, lick it, grab it” from the comedy show “tosh.0.” Heckler said it involved rookie players being forced to lick and slap each other’s faces and grab each others clothed genitalia.

Heckler said this activity has the potential to be considered indecent assault, depending on what might have occurred. All of these activities, he said, are alleged to have occurred without any coaches present.

It’s Slap-Lick-Fondle, and these guys… are playing that game all wrong:

HOT TAKE: The first one is fine. The second one is frightening, and yeah, potentially dangerous. The third one… dude, guys, maybe ask the cheerleaders if they want to play.

Related: The head coach issued a statement and said that he basically had no idea what was going on.