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That unfortunate juxtaposition above — on the story about Angel Suarez, a rising jockey who was shot after stealing a dog, masturbating, and assaulting two people — has many layers to it. First off, it makes me feel weird about even typing “rising jockey.” Second: wiener dog. And third, you guys over at Philly.com really make it sound like the wiener dog fought off the intruder. Wait, did it? Someone find that dog and give it a medal.

Also, this is what we’re doing now?

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What’s the AP Stylebook entry for “fapping”?