The Phillies Bought a Computer

Amaro

On the day after ABC aired an episode of Modern Family, a major prime time sitcom, that was set on a Macbook screen and shot entirely on an iPhone, we learned that the Phillies entered the 21st century by buying a computer.

David Murphy, reporting on the most analytically-challenged team in all of major American professional sports:

Perhaps most significant, the Phillies are investing more than a million dollars in the building of a proprietary computer information system they hope will play a similar role to the Red Sox’ well-known Carmine system, serving as a database for scouting reports, medical histories, statistical models, and more.

The Cubs began building their own computer system in 2012, shortly after luring Theo Epstein, the man who built Boston’s formidable analytics prowess, away from the Red Sox and naming him president. One of Epstein’s early moves was to sign Cuban prospect Jorge Soler to a 9-year, $30 million contract. Compared with the $63 million the Red Sox committed to the signing of Yoan Moncada, maybe you can put a price tag on prescience.

“We haven’t gotten to the point where we want to get to yet,” general manager Ruben Amaro Jr. said, “but we are making that transition and adding to our arsenal, as far as information is concerned. It’s not the first time we’re dealing with it. We’ve utilized analytics in the past, but we’re putting a little bit more emphasis on it and we’re trying to be creative with it.”

Thus far, Ruben hasn’t yet been able to clear the 9×9 cell level of Minesweeper,” added a high-level front office exec with knowledge of Amaro’s computing habits. “But, we’re working on it.”

Joke’s aside, this is a good thing, I guess? Better late than never, right? Problem is: As long as Ruben Amaro and Pat Gillick are in charge (Gillick was quoted as saying “We won five years in a row, and we don’t consider ourselves an analytic organization”), this is never going to become a thing. Just the mindset of we won without them before is flawed, because it fails to consider the fact that, within the last five years, virtually every team has started using analytics, thus putting the Phillies at an extreme disadvantage. Without front office changes, their buying a big, fancy computer is like a phone booth maker adding a cell phone charging station inside its latest model and calling it a day. This should solve our problems! Just need a minor adjustment here. Right back on track!

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62 Responses

  1. Maybe the fucking computer can figure out a way to get a big piece of fucking monkey shit kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk machine off the fucking roster.
    Fuck off Rube.

  2. They give everyone what they want, and start an analytics program(?) and everyone still piles on. They can’t win.

    1. “To start press any key.” Where’s the “any” key? I see “esk,” “catarl,” and “pig-up.”

  3. Modern Family has run it’s course. And the Blonde is hotter than Sofia Var-whatever-the-fuck.

    #savethellamas

    1. Newsflash Rob Ellis is leaving WIP very soon so on his part there’s no need to partake in the meaningless Eagles debate.

      But cheer up Mr. Manboobs Josh Innes will carry you through.

    2. The big bust morning show on CSN Philly. I want Rob to stay on the radio but he won’t resist the lure of talking to 500 viewers on TV.

    3. He heard from CB that they didn’t need him there, and then Andy Bloom got mad because he hadn’t gotten around to letting Ellis know yet.

    1. Chickie and petes. That event is usually Rob Ellis bread & butter.
      Also heard from my buddy prime rib tony that Hollis ate his ass off

      1. I saw Jos Inids on the street today I did. That guy is a big fat fuck he is. He’s not even from the area it is. His voice sounds fat and ugly it does. Everything he says is boring it is. Can’t wait till he goes back to St. Louis I do.

  4. that’s right andy, I said it. you’re a quivering little spineless vagina-shaped worm. and if you have a problem with it, call me on my private phone.

    1. Well it looks like you guys are Guna get what u want. Both Andy bloom and Josh Innes will be let go this week. Nobody here thought Innes would work in this market. Especially after the first show.

  5. OK enough I AM the real insider.

    The teams go like this:

    New blood: Innes, Bruno, Farzetta, Haddad, Reiger
    Old guard: Cataldi, Morganti, Rhea, Charry, Diddy, Macnow, Big Daddy
    Middle ground: Rob, Ike, Barkann, Jolly
    Eskin: Eskin

    There is a vicious all-out battle between the sides. Andy Bloom was supposed to intervene, but he left to go buy coke. So instead OK I’ve lost interest. Hey Innes. Stop worrying about what is said in the comment section here. You are fatter than that.

  6. If you listened to the great Eagles debate today, and took away any other opinion aside from what a breath of fresh air Josh Innis is, I dont know what to tell you.

    Did you hear his sick take on Jeff Lurie. He was all like, “win a championship already before you declare yourself the ‘gold standard'”? He is so young and vibrant. He speaks to US, the youth of America.

  7. Back in the early 90s Andy Bloom kept trying to get in my pants (Howard Stern used to play the voicemails he left me) and I shot him down over and over. Think about that, I was such a whore back then that I was banging Jim Baker and Sam Kinison on a regular basis, but under no circumstances would I ever have touched a loser like Bloom.

  8. Hi ladies and gentlemen! At Talent USA we are always looking for vibrant and enthusiastic people. We are looking today for a talented Italian American male, that on command can provide the fakest laugh possible for our clients. If you or anyone you know would be interest please let us know!

    1. I’m in. How do I soyn up?

      HahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahaha

  9. Josh isn’t from Philly.

    Cataldi. – not from Philly
    Morganti – same
    Barkann – same
    Ike – same
    Haddad- same

    Big Daddy – Philly
    Eskin – Philly

    It seems if you are from Philly, your show sucks.

    Idiots.

    1. Ok well Ike played for the Eagles
      Haddad Ali abobo is a fuckin Arab so we hate him
      Barkaan is from NY, and has served his time here on TV
      Cataldi the same
      Morganti nobody cares about

      Being from NY is completely different than being from Missouri you idiot.

      1. Figure how to spell “you’re” before calling someone an idiot.

        So what you are saying is – once he is here for a while, he won’t be an outsider? Idiot

        New York is not an outsider, but Missouri is. I get it. Idiot

        I do agree that Bruno and MM are from Philly and they suck. Bruno just got dumped because his ratings sucked and Missinelli is going to lose to Innes and Bruno. Innes will carry Bruno. Bruno already proved he can’t get ratings as a lead. Yep, two more Philly guys that suck. Good point.

  10. Oh, and Gargano is from Philly. Boring. Fake. Show sucked.
    Ellis – from Philly. Back on nights until he gets fired.

    Being from Philly sure is a sign that you will have radio success.

    Lets start a list of all the good “Philly guy” radio shows.

    You start.

    1. gargano is from south jersey. just pointing this out because of his fake south philly act. but i get your point.

  11. The character of the station was getting old and stale. The morning show has its value because Angelo is great in the drivers seat.. it’s entertainment , it’s not boring. Say what you like, Innes and Bruno are fun and entertaining. It’s not the same old stale sports talk.. and like he said, it’s about ratings, and MM was killing their predecessors. It was a big change to make with risk.. We can try to respect the decision and try to understand it, or we can leave unintelligent , grammatically flawed comments that only make you all look like idiots and further destroys any integrity this website has. Kyle Scott , you do want to police these comments .

  12. cataldi – unfunny, fake, annoying, usually on the wrong side of issues, loves freebies
    morganti – lazy, half-ass, hockeyboy, uninteresting, stealing his pay for 20 years
    rhea – not much there, boring, not funny, repetitive, likes free stuff from del frisco’s
    jonesy – yes man to cataldi, kind of entertaining, makes morganti obsolete

  13. Knowing the Phillies, this “arbitrary database system” probably runs on a fucking Compaq Presario with a giant ct tube monitor, dial up modem and Windows 95. Rube just uses it to go on AOL and IM Sandberg about how technology is amazing.

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