The Phillies Are Live Tweeting Their Procession into Citizens Bank Park, and I Have No Idea Who Most of These Players Are

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The Phillies, who learned how to use Twitter just late enough to completely miss the obvious opportunity to periscope the team’s march into CBP*, are tweeting pictures from their annual parade. But, problem: NOBODY KNOWS WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE!

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WHO ARE THESE GUYS?! No joke, other than Antonio Bastardo, and what I think is Phillies PR person Bonnie Clark, I’m not sure I can name with confidence one player. [UPDATE: Antonio Bastardo was traded over the winter. So, yep, the only person I know is the Phillies PR director, and quite frankly, that’s only because she wears one hell of a pants suit.] I’m not the only one:

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Just two or three years ago, just about any one of us could’ve stood in that line in center field and greeted each player by first name and, for most of them, recalled a fact about their childhood if suddenly engaged in conversation. Now? It’s like Year 18 of a franchise is MLB: The Show with a bunch of random and created players with names amalgamated from the first and last nomenclatures of current stars. Yasiel McCuthchen? Buster Kershaw? Are they on the Phillies this year?! Can’t wait!!!!

Meanwhile, one of the few players we do know, Jonathan Papelbon, wore gloves so as to not come in contact with the skin of the unwashed masses:

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Fuck, I hate this team already. Covering the Phillies this year is going to be the blogging equivalent of playing Nearer My God To Thee on the deck of the Titanic, just trying to provide some solace to fans as they scramble to flee this sinking wreck of a franchise. Play ball!

*For real, that is such an obvious use for it, I’m borderline concerned about the well-being of the Phillies social media person for not thinking of it. They suck. They suck so bad.

Photos via the Phillies’ Twitter account

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9 Responses

  1. “No joke, other than Antonio Bastardo, and what I think is Phillies PR person Bonnie Clark, I’m not sure I can name with confidence one player.”

    Are you fucking serious? And I’m supposed to come here for informed opinions/information?

    Bastardo is in Pitt you fucking moron. Did Jim write this and have you slap your name on it?

    Get fucked.

  2. Bastardo?
    You not only screwed the pooch here, but you knocked it up too. Abort! Abort!

    BTW, rebuilding a team looks like this.

  3. A big piece of fucking monkey shit kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk machine wears #6.
    Fuck him, his whore white wife, RAJ and Sandfuck for being a pussy.

  4. Dearest Kyle,

    I come in many varieties. I am littered all over TV, Internet, Newspaper, Magazines,etc…you name it. I am fairly easy to keep up with, even with minimal effort. Please feel free to get updated with all my latest (or past) happenings whenever it is convenient for you.

  5. Kyle, why would you know any of the Phillies when you have admittedly not watched one spring training game or followed any of the roster moves? Antonio Bastardo, seriously? There is no way to take your opinion seriously with your complete lack of information. Your Phillies knowledge does not extend past “Amaro = bad”.

    Maybe you should act like a man and put a little effort into your “job”. Take some pride in what you do and you wouldn’t be such a laughing stock to the commenters, your wife, your parents, etc.

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