You Can Write Jokes for the Sports Roast of Lenny Dykstra and Mitch Williams and Other C-List Pseudo Celebs

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As you, the lovely CB reader knows, the Sports Roast of frenemies Lenny Dykstra and Mitch Williams will be held at the Electric Factory next Thursday night (BUY TICKETS, DAMMIT!). As is the case with all roasts, it’s not just the guests of dishonor who are eligible to be fired upon– the roasters themselves will take shrapnel as well. So, a couple of weeks ago when I met with the Sports Roast brass (there’s a distinction…), they remarked how, for participants, the roast will almost be like stepping into the CB comments section.

Idea.

A crack team – Electric Factory interns and Jim – will be going through old comment threads for particularly good one-liners for roasters to potentially use on Thursday. But, we figured we’d make it easy for you to get yours in– just comment with your roast one-liner, or if you prefer to do so on Twitter, use the hashtag #5WordSportsRoast (it can be longer in the comments). Potential targets? Joe Conklin (maybe he’ll do his Charles Barkley impression again– that’s some real cutting edge material), Al Morganti (every Batman needs a Robin…), Joe Matrese (I have no idea who this is), Rhea Hughes (wait, did I already use the Robin line for Al?), Leslie Gudel (now hawking spatulas on QVC!), Stu Bykofsky (is it the glasses that make him look like a pederast, or was he born that way?), Big Daddy Graham (one of only two guys over 30 who openly talks about hanging out at The Springfield… the other is Joe Conklin), Susie Celek (yeah, I wouldn’t change my name either), John Bolaris (help wanted: a drugged up meteorologist who shits his pants and can’t hold down a relationship), Dan Baker (literally Siri could do his job), Matt Cord (remember that time the Sixers opened his job up to the public?), and Tony Bruno (a bald guy who’s moving back in with his mom– we got a hot one, ladies!).

I can’t believe I’m going to encourage this, but comment after the jump. Be as mean as you want. And BUY TICKETS!!!

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81 Responses

  1. Why wasn’t I invited to this? Is it because I’m fat and everyone hates me?

    Yea, actually, that’s exactly it.

  2. I have no idea who Joe Matarese is or what he does for a living. I tried to find out online but he isnt even famous enough to have a wikipedia page. Do you realize how sad that is? There is a wikipedia page dedicated to slang words for poop. Nice career you got going on there.

    1. he was on America’s Got Talent last summer…..he’s a comedian who grew up in Cherry Hill, was a regular on Chelsea Lately, has appeared on the Howard Stern Show, the Nick & Artie Show, Artie Lange Show/Podcast…..and he has a web series called Fixing Joe. check it out, its funny….oh and he’s got his own podcast by the same name….enjoy

  3. hey kyle, i bet in a normal post if i were to type a comment saying reah hughes is a C list celeb, you would not post it.

  4. Big Daddy Graham is here. He beat throat cancer. Actually the cancer committed suicide. It couldnt take one more story about how great the coke was in the late 80s. ..Right Nails?

  5. Ok ok…. They say big daddy graham has a 10 inch penis…. So if reah hews leaves wip studio at 2pm going 60mph, takes her dentures out at 230pm… How many inches of big daddy can she fit in her mouth by 3pm?

  6. Both of these stories are true but I don’t know a way to make them into jokes for a roast.

    Bolaris – About 5 years ago at the Princeton, I saw Bolaris across the bar hanging with some blonde lady. I called the bartender over and asked if they made hurricanes. She said no, so I asked if they had any “weather-related drinks,” to which the answer was a Sea Breeze. So I asked her to send two sea breezes over to Bolaris. He got the drinks and looked over my way after being told who they were from. He raised the drink and gave some smirk which translated to “thanks, asshole.” He actually drank it and seemed to be a good sport about it.

    Bruno – Growing up, Tony and his wife (now ex) and kids lived two houses down from me. He and his family would go all-out for Halloween. I didn’t really know who he was and he was usually out of town doing radio work in other markets. I do remember he was there the one year in a very impressive Frankenstein costume. When I finally found out what he looked like, I was shocked at how damn good the costume was. The toupee he used for Frankenstein was way better than Marv Albert’s daily piece.

  7. Mitch Williams once had his own salsa. it was called “Wild Thing’s Southpaw Salsa.” Which just beat out the other name they were considering, “Joe Carter’s Piss Rocket to Deep Left.” Way to lay that shitty 4 seamer cock high…dick.

  8. My goodness this event sounds horrible. I have to pay for a ticket to hear some local sports personality recite a comment from Crossing Broad? Will be so happy when it is finally done so we can stop hearing about it.

  9. ROAST JOKE SINCE I AM BANNED:

    It’s pretty great to see some of the 93′ Phillies up here. I really loved that team. Here’s another thing that was great in 1993: the bit that Joe Conklin wrote and is using today.

  10. $50-$150 for a ticket to go watch a bunch of unfunny wash-ups roast other unfunny wash-ups…I can’t imagine why they’re having a hard time selling this.

      1. Buy a Groupon to the Roast get free tickets to all home games in July! A ten dollar power up!

  11. To which of these things does the word “blow” apply best?

    A Mitch Williams save opportunity
    Rhea’s meteoric career rise
    The stuff caked on Dude’s nostrils right now

  12. Who strikes out more, Ryan Howard or Innes in the Castro District? That’s funny…come on laugh!

  13. I’m glad Al Morganti’s here. It’s nice to have a wrinkly old geezer around to make excuses for the Flyers ever since Ed Snider died.

    1. I was a starting day pitcher for the Phillies in the 90s ya know…could have been this season as well.

  14. WIP is considered the heavyweight when it comes to sports radio in Philadelphia…but mainly because of Angelo Cataldi and Josh Innes.

  15. Great that Dutch made the trip, hey Dutch what’s worse incurable brain cancer or spending an evening with al morganti

  16. Here’s a whole set someone can do…doesn’t matter who, whoever feels like doing it

    “Hey everybody, how about *previous person on stage*, wasn’t he/she/it great? Wow what a turn-out huh? Look I know I’m supposed to get up here an be funny but I just can’t. In fact, the only reason we’re even doing this, the only reason we’ve literally had to turn to SPORTS ROASTS in Philadelphia in order to make ourselves feel relevant…is because as previously mentioned, we’re all completely irrelevant. Our sports teams are terrible, the people that root for them are degenerates, and the media that covers them…is deplorable. This is why people hate us, this is why we’re a joke. Goodnight, and keep telling yourself ‘better luck next year’…it’s never gonna happen.”

  17. I see Joe Conklin is here tonite. Roll back the beer prices, it must be 90s nite! That’s the last time any of Joe’s impressions were either relevant or funny.

  18. hey Mitch, what do you think came down last. Carter’s homerun or the Dude’s last high?

  19. hey Al, I heard that you lost a bunch of money when Lenny’s “business” went under.

    And giving all your money to a illiterate coke head must have seemed like such a great idea at the time.

  20. Lots of divorces going around in the Eagles’ organization. Jeffrey Lurie recently got divorced. Joe Banner sued for custody of the children, but unfortunately for us Eagles fans Judge Seamus granted Jeff Lurie custody of little Howie Roseman.

    Brent and Susie Celek also were recently divorced. Susie’s here tonight. I heard that Susie was the one to file for divorce, because Brent finally caught something…unfortunately for us or her it wasn’t a football.

  21. Really glad to see John Bolaris made it out we had to plan the roast on a night he wasn’t busy being drugged and robbed by Russian hookers

  22. Somewhere up in the heavens, Harry The K is looking down, into this very room…and if he could somehow speak to us…i think he’d say something along the lines of this:

    “I call bullshit on the fact that I died of heart failure before that fatass Cataldi did”

  23. John Bolaris is here tonight. He’s predicting lots of snow tonight…but it’ll only end up being two inches of the white stuff in the bathroom for Lenny Dykstra.

  24. We’re taking a lot of shots at Mitch tonight and I’m sure he’s a little upset. But I don’t think he’s too mad. I mean, its not like this is a kid’s little league game.

  25. Josh Innes is here…although the only reason he showed up was because he heard the word “roast”…it’s a comedy show, not a cookout, you fat retard

  26. I heard they called Lenny in to fix the hole in Ryan Howard’s swing,

    but he just stuck his dick in it and waved it at the guy who killed Michael Jackson.

  27. I have the funniest thing ever!!!!!

    Everyone take turns punching both of these guys right in their mouths. That would be hilarious!!!! Worth the money. So far this is NOT worth the money.

  28. I don’t understand why these two guys get a dinner. There are way more deserving people in this world who never got a dinner. Like General George Custer, who’s famous last words were, “I think we can take ’em,”, never got a dinner. Or Shaquille O’neal’s mom, who once said, “Kids just don’t look up to their parents anymore,” never got a dinner. Or Jessica Biel’s new baby, who said to Jessica, “Is that all for me?” Never got a dinner. So why should Lenny and Mitch?

  29. Lenny, as we all know, did not have a very successful business career after his playing days were over. Somehow his business career was worse than Leslie Guidel’s, and she killed five kids with hers.

    Joe Conklin ladies and gentleman, a master impressionist. Hopefully he’ll do his impression of Harry Kalas tonight and drop dead of a heart attack. It would be more laughter than he’s heard in the past 10 years of his Morning Show appearances.

    Unfortunately Stan Hochman couldn’t be here tonight. I guess he found a better option than appearing at a roast for two Lenny Dykstra and Mitch Williams.

    http://www.thecoggintoboggan.com

  30. Rhea your feet look sore, did you clomp here?

    Rhea how was the traffic coming from your stall at Philadelphia Park?

    Rhea how’s your back? Pulling that buggy around all day doesn’t look easy.

    People say that Leslie Guidel killed babies with her swing. That’s wrong. She didn’t. It was an accident. Accidents happen. Like Leslie’s mouth accidentally fell on Pat Burrell’s c***. It happens!

    Tony Bruno, what a career. He goes from local radio to national radio to a 2 hour show on 97.5 to being Josh Innes’ sidekick. What a trajectory. Next stop is giving out hadnies under the Ben Franklin bridge. Matt Cord knows what I mean!

    Big Daddy Graham really puts the “Big” in Big Daddy, if you catch my drift. People say he’s got a 10 incher. Not sure if it’s true. What? Shut up Rhea. Don’t be jealous.

    Lenny, you are a d***, a prick, a jerk, a liar, a cheat, a steal, a criminal and a cancer to society. But you were good at baseball 20 years ago, so there’s that. Mitch, you are all of things, too. Except the good at baseball part.

  31. Susie Celek is here, of course. She needs the money. You can’t lead your resume with “I was the ex-wife of a mediocre NFL tight end.” But congrats on your accomplishments of marrying someone that was OK at football…then divorcing him? I guess. Whatever, at least you didn’t call any babies.

    Oh come on, let Leslie be. She must be horrified about having all that infant death on her. Infant death on her. Hmmm. That sounds like a John Bolaris story. What’s next, Bolaris? Are you going to get kidnapped by a gang of apes and thrown into a pile of sex toys? What the hell is wrong with you.

    Seriously. Did you really think NBC was going to hire the hot chick to read weather bullshit off a teleprompter over you? And you’re at about that? Your face looks like an old catcher’s mitt. You’re a punch line in this town now! Nobody takes you seriously. Conklin knows what I mean.

  32. Where’s Josh Innes? Is he here? Did we reach our limit of fat, talentless radio hosts with Big Daddy here? No, no, calm down, Al. I didn’t say gay.

    Al’s made a career out of not saying anything. Seriously. He talks less than Leslie does when she had Pat Burrell’s c*** in her mouth. But come on, Al. It’s been 25 years of you riding Angelo’s coattails. The least you could do is blow him, like you do to Ed Snider.

    People say Al is a shill for the Flyers, and they’re right, he is. But at least he’s not an ass****, Lenny. Oh wait, he’s also that.

  33. Awwww, lots of people here that don’t like Josh Innes…and yet he still does better in the ratings. Keep crying, apparently most people don’t care! His impression of “the cuz” was the funniest thing I’ve heard all year. Pathetic, the whole lot of you. All the bitching about Innes not being from the city, I guess you all hated Harry Kalas too?

  34. Did I ever mention the time Cataldi and I gave reference letters on WIP letterhead supporting a guy distributing pot from his back yard? Hell, he was a great mechanic that took care of Ang’s and my comped BMWs.

  35. Al Morganti, you ghoul.
    Al, glad you could take time away from driving your windowless van around to be with us here tonight.
    Al Morganti is a man of few words – and for that we thank him.
    How do you cut off a mullet and yet look more like a pedophile, Al?
    As we all know, Al likes the finer things in life – hockey, wing bowls and of course Taiwanese lady boys.

    Speaking of which, Susie Celek is here…for some reason. Julie Dorenbos would have been here too but got distracted by something shiny I’m assuming.

    Susie, be honest, is she as dumb as Lenny looks?

    Susie, I just want to say, you were great in Sleepaway Camp. That’s okay, you all can google that one later. Lenny, I assume they have an Internet-accessible computer at the Y you’re staying at?

    Lenny, you are a Philadelphia legend…like Bud Dwyer… only less successful

    Speaking of blowing my head off, I’d rather do that than hear Joe Conklin do another “comedy routine”

    Joe Conklin, everybody. The man of irrelevant voices.

    What happened, Joe? Applebee’s cancel your show?

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