This is an actual exchange we just had, not at all edited for readability and wit:
Jim: Hey, I got this post about the sports science guy.
Kyle: Cool. Looks like Chip promoted former NAVY SPECIAL WARFARE sports science guru Shaun Huls to director of sports science and (re!)conditioning and hired this guy from, of course, Oregon. Actually, two guys. He hired two guys from Oregon to do sports sciency things.
Jim: Oh, I meant the dude the Sixers hired from Australia after a “worldwide search.”
Kyle: No, the Eagles hired a sports science guy from Australia. And Oregon. He was from Oregon, too. You must have Hinkie on the brain. Nothing new for you. Write the post.
Jim: No, the Sixers hired an American from Australia, you’re probably just seeing that Chip licking his lips GIF over and over again in your head. But I guess the Sixers wanted to throw Brett Brown a bone and figured America + Australia = Happy Brown. I got this.
Kyle: Bro, the Eagles hired James Hanisc to be their “high performance analyst.” He was the sport science coordinator at Oregon before he founded a digital magazine (wait, Chip hires online writers?!). He previously went to school (attended university?) in Australia and worked as a performance analyst in RUGBY. They also hired J.P. Crowley Hanlon. He grew up in Oregon. Majored in advertising at Oregon. Was in a frat at Oregon. Worked as an undergrad assistant at Oregon. Interned at ESPN and for Hollywood’s Creative Artists Agency (CAA)… while at Oregon. He’s insanely good-looking:
The Navy guy is going to love him. He graduated from Oregon last year and was hired by Chip in February, but it’s just now being reported. So, to recap: Chip hired a 20-something Oregon grad to be a logistics coordinator in addition to the sports science freak from Australia. They’re the most Chip hires ever.
Jim: Nay. First off, J.P. Crowley Hanlon sounds like a villain in a Schwarzenegger movie. Secondly, I still think you’re confused (and you have a strong imagination). The Sixers hired David Martin, who has multiple degrees from the University of Wyoming, Northern Michigan University, and the College of Idaho, to be their Head of Sports Science. He left America for Australia in 1994 and has since “been at the cutting edge of physiology in Australian sport” while working for the Australian Institute of Sport. SPORT! He’s focused mainly on cycling and has published papers on both the sleep/wake behavior of endurance cyclists and the effects of high and low intensity training on road cyclists. He told the Sydney Morning Herald that he really prefers “working with struggling teams” where there’s “so much potential.” He’s basically Sam Hinkie’s alternate, Australio-American double.
Kyle: Who’s on first.
So yeah, both the Eagles and Sixers hired sports science guys from Australia. Meanwhile, I’m guessing the Flyers have placed a phone call to John Stevens and the guy who manages the Phillies increasingly seems like the dumbest person alive.