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The following is a list of current and former Philadelphia athletes most likely to follow in Brett Myers’ footsteps and put out a shitty album:
10. Riley Cooper
Too easy. Pretty sure Myers bought the rights to “kegerator” from Cooper immediately after the Chesney concert. “Can’t take my bike royalties though, bitch!”
9. Curt Schilling
Anti government subliminal message, ultra conservative, contemporary Christian rock. Claims bankruptcy before paying studio fees.
8. Jeff Carter & Mike Richards
Album Title: Sea Isle Days. First single: “Prom after party!”
7. Andrew Bynum feat. Chris Webber
“Money for free!” Billy King & Ed Stefanski executive produce for 20 million a year, guaranteed.
6. Allen Iverson
Money problems? There has to be a 40 bars remix or something laying around. I actually liked 40 bars. 2001’s hip-hop spoiled the shit out of all of us. Now sit back and listen to this kid from Degrassi.
5. Ilya Bryzgalov
Hums the score to the Hunt for Red October & Sum of All Fears.
4. Swaggy P
If you would have asked me 2 years ago which jitbag athlete would marry Iggy Azalea, well yeah…
This is probably already happening/happened/being featured on MMQB–“so much pain in his voice, did I mention this shitty beer I had in the lobby of the holiday inn in Southie last week???”
2. Mitch Williams
He’s running out of options at this point, poor guy. Actually fuck him! 9 year old me is still watching his 83 mph fastball getting facefucked over the left field wall at the SkyDome
1. Tim Tebow
A two hour book on tape on why you shouldn’t pull out. I still believe this guy is like a million Josh Hamiltons just waiting to explode all over our wives and sisters.
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