Osi Umenyiora, Allegedly Blown Up by Sidepiece, Claims it’s a Man Trying to Bring Him Down

Photo Credit: The Star-Ledger-USA TODAY Sports
Photo Credit: The Star-Ledger-USA TODAY Sports

Since writing this post, but before posting it, Osi Umenyiora and his wife have released a joint statement on these allegations:

We strongly condemn the vicious and malicious lies that have recently been perpetuated all over the media. We already know that these lies are a coordinated effort by a single unstable MALE source to malign and discredit an otherwise joyous and highly successful occasion. An appropriate legal recourse is currently in effect.

We are pleased to report that the expected result from this individual has been an abysmal failure. We are fortified, strong, and extremely happy. We look forward to a prosperous life together. We would like to thank our family and friends for all your support.

Leila & Osi

Below is the post as was written before the statement was released, because it’s a lot more fun pretending this is all true hashtag journalism:

Osi Umenyiora, one-time Giant and current Falcon, used to wreak havoc on the Eagles’ offensive line and quarterbacks. So now, we can all laugh at him as his alleged sidepiece totally blew up his spot right after he got married. Not good, Osi.

Said sidepiece set up an instagram account (just suspended) to post Osi’s alleged text messages he sent her while engaged, possibly at his fiancé’s side, but claims she said she didn’t do it to destroy Osi’s relationship. Right. She starts the account off with a nice little prologue to intro the situation:

osi1

From then, the texts came out– never a good thing:
osi2

What Osi allegedly did: Told her she was his and he loved her.
What Osi should’ve done: Not slept around on his fiancée.
Highlight: That opening text, no question.

osi3

What Osi allegedly did: Texted his sidepiece from a wedding he was probably at with his fiancée, said he was in love with his SP again, told her to fuck off, called her a bitch.
What Osi should’ve done: None of those things. Not a single one.
Highlight: Sidepiece’s emoji usage.

osi4

What Osi allegedly did: Told his sidepiece she turned him on “mentally and physically” like a junior high kid new to girls.
What Osi should’ve done: Not slept around on his fiancée.
Highlight: This whole text is just a lowlight.

osi5

What Osi allegedly did: The classic desperation move of “just tell me what you want.”
What Osi should’ve done: You know, not slept around on his fiancée.
Highlight: For some reason, the random uppercase “A” in “anyway” is killing me. You know he was typing fast and thought maybe he should fix it but then thought, “nah, it’ll show I don’t care about that stuff, only about her.”

osi6

What Osi allegedly did: Put the fact that he is choosing to cheat on his fiancée all on his sidepiece, basically saying it’s all her fault, and throwing in an “lol” for good measure.
What Osi should’ve done: Everybody, with me: Not slept around on his fiancée.
Highlight: “Fuck you …. lol”

osi7

My heart is light and I’m at peace. Also Osi’s sidepiece has way better grammar usage than possible Osi does. And this just goes to show you guys: Don’t cheat on people, it’s mean. If you’re going to cheat on people and be an asshole, don’t be rich and famous. It will come back to you. Sometimes. Usually never. But when it does, oh boy.

[h/t Barstool for the screengrabs since the account shut down halfway through this post]
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19 Responses

    1. That’s what these dumb whores get for associating with these animals. Give an animal money, they’re still an animal. Nicole BROWN Simpson got what she deserved.

      1. Well, that was an interesting combination of racism, misogyny and outright stupidity. But I appreciate your restraint in not using the N word. That must have been difficult.

  1. Originality again from the crack CB staff. They steal from no one.

  2. Did anyone see Sean brace new venture. He has a website where he sits at his kitchen table and talks. Hahahahah. He call himself philly influencer.

    This is what 12 year olds do.

    1. Oh man please tell me that is a real thing. If so, kyle, get on that, can’t wait to read the comments

      1. I just looked it up and it’s true,Sean Brace has a Philly Influencer facebook page,and his twitter handle is now Philly Influencer.

        1. What the hell does this moron influence? The color of the urinal cakes at Pitcher’s Pub?

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