This post is part of The Crosswalk, Crossing Broad’s reader submitted section. While checked for basic quality and readability, it is not edited by Crossing Broad, and all opinions expressed are those of the author, for better or worse. If you’re interested in having your work appear on Crossing Broad, fill out the short sign up form here.
Philadelphia, PA – Eagles teammates were buzzing at the completion of OTAs today, as all anyone wanted to talk about was the new Eagles quarterback Sam Bradford and his performance at the NovaCare Complex.
Described as being in “mid-season” form, Bradford reportedly spent most of the day encased in an iron lung, struggling to survive and violently gasping for breath, surrounded by team physicians and a priest who were monitoring the frail 27-year-old athlete.
“He was fabulous today. He almost opened his eyes once around 2 p.m., it was a sight to behold. The doctors say he’s much farther along right now than where he was last year,” second-year wide receiver Jordan Matthews said. “If he can regain the ability to breathe on his own by the start of the season, we may have a chance.”
By far the highlight of the day came when Bradford squeezed the hand of team trainer Chris Peduzzi twice – once to indicate an answer of yes and twice to indicate no – when Bradford he was asked if he wished to be taken off life support.
“He’s got fight in him, I’ll give him that. With these encouraging signs I think we can move his therapy ahead by a few weeks. We might even have him up to solid foods in a year or so, god willing,” Peduzzi said. “We figured we’d give him the opportunity to pass with some dignity if it was what he wanted, but we’re happy he opted out of it. We did, however, ask his parents to not forget about signing those blood donor cards as soon as possible.”
As of press time, an ashen-faced priest could be seen walking out of Bradford’s room, clutching a rosary in both hands, and loudly cursing God.
Bradford is expected to be the Eagles’ starting quarterback this season. If he survives.
Did you enjoy this nonsense? Want to read more of the shit we publish everyday? Check us out at www.thecoggintoboggan.com for the finest satirical sports news spewed daily from the mind of an alcoholic. Follow us on Twitter @coggintoboggan.