Today In “Kyle’s Not Going In The Ocean This Summer”

A twofer today!

1) What, in the actual fuck?

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pic via Harvey Cedars Point Facebook page

From central New Jersey’s Harvey Cedars Beach Patrol Facebook page:

We found a Portuguese man o’ war washed up on the beach. When the wind is coming from the northeast, warm water from the Gulf Stream comes to shore. With the warm water, often comes seaweed & critters from down south. Always be aware of your surroundings in the ocean & always swim near a lifeguard.

NBC 10 further reported on the image and made sure to alert the public that yep, the PMOW can kill your human vessel:

Portuguese man o’war have tentacles that grow from 10 to 30 feet long and marine biologists say their potentially deadly sting is far worse than what you’d get from jellyfish normally found at the Jersey Shore.

Experts say this likely wasn’t an isolated incident and that it’s highly probable that more of these jellyfish will show up on local beaches in the next week or so.

“You never want to turn your back on the ocean. It’s always constantly changing,” Townsend said.

Never want to turn your back on the ocean. Um, yaaa ya do… safely… from a distance… on the beach.

2) Oh no, no no no no no no no no:
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Paul Oyster II (great name for sea life story, by the way*) posted these photos to his Facebook page yesterday.

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That’s a hammerhead shark just chilling, dead, on the beach in Fenwick Island, Delaware. What killed it? Oh, probably just another ravenous and potentially crazed hammerhead because, according to Wikipedia, THEY EAT THEIR OWN, DAMMIT: The Great Hammerhead, tending to be larger and more aggressive than most hammerheads, occasionally engage in cannibalism, as they are known to eat other hammerhead sharks, including their own young.

Or maybe the 30-FOOT tentacles on that jellyfish got it. Yep, it was probably the jellyfish. MF-ing jellyfishes, just out there, slaughtering inferior breeds with their invisible, poisonous venom.

I’ll see you on dunes, where we’ll drink beer like a couple of rebels (because you’re not allowed on the dunes, obvs). Let’s live dangerously… but in a way that is at least 100 yards from the coastline at high tide, because there’s a war going on out there and I want no part of it.

*What are the chances Paul has a sister Pearl? Probably pretty good, right?


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That story here— but they eat plants, not meat… or so they’d like us to think.

H/T to my fellow landlocked friends (@jharkins16), (@patrickjaywalsh), (@waltbates), (@SkaitesSkate), (@billcuth)


19 Responses

  1. You have city hands, Mr. Hooper. You been countin’ money all your life

  2. “What did you do today, Paul?”

    “Oh, I just spooned with a hammerhead shark. It was fun.”

  3. I’m not talkin’ ’bout pleasure boatin’ or day sailin’. I’m talkin’ ’bout workin’ for a livin’. I’m talkin’ ’bout sharkin’!

  4. When you’re in the ocean on our Jersey beaches, you’re in there with HUNDREDS of other people. My theory is to always have a few dozen of people between me and the deep blue sea…why would a shark/man-o-war/creature-from-the-black-lagoon swim past so much easy prey to get me?

  5. Jesus christ, Kyle, stop being such a baby. Don’t you know you have better odds of being struck by lightning than by getting bit by me? Get in the goddamn water.

  6. Speaking of Landsharks, they are expensive at the Carousel…..get in the water Kyle.

  7. We eat meat too. We’re omnivores. I eat fish and will take a bite of anything which looks or smells tasty.

  8. I spent the day at the shore and it was glorious. The water was fantastic and refreshing. I was so glad Kyle wasn’t in the water. Keep being a pussy, let us have the good stuff.

    p.s. This topic is lamer than weather wars

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