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Today In “Kyle’s Not Going In The Ocean This Summer”

By Kyle Scott

Published: Jun 15th, 2015 · 12:03 PM EDT

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From the AP, reporting on two shark attack victims in North Carolina yesterday– both of whom will now be right-handed if they weren’t already:

Two young people were vacationing in the beach town of Oak Island [North Carolina], swimming in shallow, waist-deep water, when they were severely injured in shark attacks, town officials said Monday.

The attacks – in which a 12-year-old girl lost part of her arm and suffered a leg injury and a 16-year-old boy lost his left arm less than 2 miles away – happened less than 90 minutes apart, officials said.

The call about the girl came in about 4:40 p.m., and the call about the boy at 5:51 p.m., town officials said.

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The window of less than two hours didn’t give workers enough time to [close the beaches between the two attacks], she wrote in an email. Beaches were closed after the second attack.

“Our local police ATVs and the sheriff’s boat and helicopter patrolled immediately after the second one, getting everyone out of the water,” Wallace said.

Wallace says that even if the beach had closed after the first attack, the order might not have reached the area of the second incident.

“I don’t know if it would have extended between the two (locations),” she wrote.

Um, might not have reached the area of the second incident? What is this, 1882? Was the messenger’s horse fatigued from running in the sand? Was Hannah Davis feeding it carrots? Here’s how quickly the message reaches the other beach, in real-time:

T-minus 0 seconds: Lifeguard radios to base station, “Kid just got her arm ripped off by a GIANT FUCKING SHARK. Close the beaches.”

T-minus 3 seconds: Supervisor responds, “Roger that. Closing the beaches.”

T-minus 7 seconds: Supervisor radios all lifeguard stations, “Get everyone out of the water– a kid’s arm was just eaten by a shark. This was no boating accident. It wasn’t any propeller. And it wasn’t any coral reef. And it wasn’t Jack the Ripper! It was a shark.”

T-minus 5 minutes: Lifeguards frantically command few remaining stubborn surfers to get out of the water. All normal, authority-respecting beachgoers are safely wrapped in their towels.

T-minus 7 minutes and 2 seconds: Lifeguards confirm with supervisor that all beachgoers are out of the water, except for just two remaining surfers who “probably deserve it anyway.”

T-minus 1 hour and 11 minutes: The 16-year-old boy doesn’t lose his left arm (the shark opted for a more-high-in-protein surfer leg).

For real, I should run for office. I’ll clean up our messy bureaucracies. It’ll give me something to do while I’m NOT IN THE OCEAN THIS SUMMER!

There are gruesome pictures here.