Today In “Kyle’s Not Going In The Ocean This Summer”

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From the AP, reporting on two shark attack victims in North Carolina yesterday– both of whom will now be right-handed if they weren’t already:

Two young people were vacationing in the beach town of Oak Island [North Carolina], swimming in shallow, waist-deep water, when they were severely injured in shark attacks, town officials said Monday.

The attacks – in which a 12-year-old girl lost part of her arm and suffered a leg injury and a 16-year-old boy lost his left arm less than 2 miles away – happened less than 90 minutes apart, officials said.

The call about the girl came in about 4:40 p.m., and the call about the boy at 5:51 p.m., town officials said.

The window of less than two hours didn’t give workers enough time to [close the beaches between the two attacks], she wrote in an email. Beaches were closed after the second attack.

“Our local police ATVs and the sheriff’s boat and helicopter patrolled immediately after the second one, getting everyone out of the water,” Wallace said.

Wallace says that even if the beach had closed after the first attack, the order might not have reached the area of the second incident.

“I don’t know if it would have extended between the two (locations),” she wrote.

Um, might not have reached the area of the second incident? What is this, 1882? Was the messenger’s horse fatigued from running in the sand? Was Hannah Davis feeding it carrots? Here’s how quickly the message reaches the other beach, in real-time:

T-minus 0 seconds: Lifeguard radios to base station, “Kid just got her arm ripped off by a GIANT FUCKING SHARK. Close the beaches.”

T-minus 3 seconds: Supervisor responds, “Roger that. Closing the beaches.”

T-minus 7 seconds: Supervisor radios all lifeguard stations, “Get everyone out of the water– a kid’s arm was just eaten by a shark. This was no boating accident. It wasn’t any propeller. And it wasn’t any coral reef. And it wasn’t Jack the Ripper! It was a shark.”

T-minus 5 minutes: Lifeguards frantically command few remaining stubborn surfers to get out of the water. All normal, authority-respecting beachgoers are safely wrapped in their towels.

T-minus 7 minutes and 2 seconds: Lifeguards confirm with supervisor that all beachgoers are out of the water, except for just two remaining surfers who “probably deserve it anyway.”

T-minus 1 hour and 11 minutes: The 16-year-old boy doesn’t lose his left arm (the shark opted for a more-high-in-protein surfer leg).

For real, I should run for office. I’ll clean up our messy bureaucracies. It’ll give me something to do while I’m NOT IN THE OCEAN THIS SUMMER!

There are gruesome pictures here.


34 Responses

    1. I came here to say the exact same thing. Really not the right piece of news to joke about Kyle.

  1. This new guerrilla marketing campaign for the 40th anniversary release of Jaws back to theaters next week is a little extreme.

  2. They should just feed these sharks poison minnow’s and kill them off

  3. Just to note…one of the problems here is that very few beaches in NC employ lifeguards. It’s not like the Jersey Shore. Oak Island beaches do not have lifeguards, so closing the beaches is not as simple as getting on the radio.

    Really sad for these kids though, and I highly doubt I’ll be going in the water this summer unless it’s in a pool.

        1. Love to prove that wouldn’t ya? Get your name into the National Geographic!

  4. If you were in charge? Kyle, who are you kidding? This happened over the weekend and you don’t work.

  5. pussies – not going into the water. Do you hide in your basement during a thunderstorm?

  6. Well this is not a boat accident! And it wasn’t any propeller, And it wasn’t any coral reef And it wasn’t Jack the Ripper!………..It was a Shark

  7. I’ll catch this bird for you, but it ain’t gonna be easy. Bad fish. Not like going down the pond chasin’ bluegills and tommycods. This shark, swallow you whole. Little shakin’, little tenderizin’, an’ down you go.

    And we gotta do it quick, that’ll bring back your tourists, put all your businesses on a payin’ basis. But it’s not gonna be pleasant. I value my neck a lot more than three thousand bucks, chief. I’ll find him for three, but I’ll catch him, and kill him, for ten. But you’ve gotta make up your minds. If you want to stay alive, then ante up. If you want to play it cheap, be on welfare the whole winter. I don’t want no volunteers, I don’t want no mates, there’s just too many captains on this island. $10,000 for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.

  8. The timelines should all be in “T + ___ seconds”. These all suggest the orders would have been issued prior to the first shark attack. Unless we’re to assume that in your scenario there’s some space-time continuum shit going on a la the Denzel Washington movie “Deja Vu” (underrated flick, by the way). Which even for Crossing Broad is a bit ridiculous.

    love the site by the way. keep up the good work and don’t fire jim!

  9. Kyle your a pussy. Don’t get in your car it’s far more dangerous. Water felt great yesterday.

  10. So a shark attack happens in NC and philly sports fans care…why?

    You get that shark attack SEO tho Kyle. And add a few more advertisements, REALLY whore this site out.

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