Today In “Kyle’s Not Going In The Ocean This Summer”

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From NBC 10:

A half-eaten dolphin washed up on a beach in North Wildwood over the weekend.

A member of the North Wildwood Beach Patrol told NBC10 they found the dolphin carcass in the water off the 4th Street Beach Saturday morning and carried it away. While the member said they haven’t determined how the dolphin died he did say it was bitten by “something big.”

Based on the photo, Schoelkopf said the dolphin was likely killed by a sand tiger shark — described as a relatively placid and slow-moving shark with no confirmed human fatalities.*

0% chance I’m approaching the water. Negative %, actually. Come join me on the beach– we’ll drink margaritas and, you know, not get eaten. It’ll be a real hoot.

*That line, literally, comes from Wikipedia: “Relatively placid and slow-moving shark with no confirmed human fatalities.”

H/T to (@PhllyPhootball)


16 Responses

  1. Odds of a kid or surfer getting bit this summer are pretty fucking good. Better keep a pocket knife on you when heading into the ocean

  2. Sorry about that everybody, but I just got REALLY hungry. The ice cream man was nowhere in sight, and you know I wasn’t about to walk my fatass to the boardwalk or wawa to get some food.

  3. Don’t know what’s worse in Wildwood? The sharks or the girls from Kensington?

    1. I’m a huge fan of the wiggers in ww rocking mesh shorts at the bars on a Saturday night

  4. Did fox good day do a remote?? Sue Serio might have ate that Dolphin. Just throwing it out there as a possible theory

    1. Your most definitely not Big Daddy Graham or Joe Conklin cause that post was fucking funny.

      1. Hey, how would you like two tickets to go see Last Call, my one man show about my alcoholic father? Or, I can hook you up for Quizzo night with my fatass daughter Ava at some local saloon in South Jersey. If not, you can wait for Wing Bowl, where I annually make a complete fool of myself in front of 15,000 drunken Kensos. Wanna know who you share a birthday with? Or what happened on this day in 1276? Tune in to my cutting edge overnight show!

        1. Is there any chance I can get a copy of his book? You know the one he gives away himself as Christmas presents.

    2. well they did say “something big,” Sue Serio certainly qualifies.

  5. “Well this is not a boat accident. It wasn’t any propeller. It wasn’t any coral reef. And it wasn’t Jack The Ripper…”

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