Today In “Kyle’s Not Going In The Ocean This Summer”


From NBC 10:

Lifeguards in two Jersey Shore towns called swimmers out of the Atlantic Ocean Monday afternoon after spotting sharks close to shore.

Margate City Beach Patrol spotted a fin off the Gladstone Avenue beach just before 1 p.m., officials said.

In Avalon, about 27 miles south, bathers in a six block area — between 26th and 32nd Streets — after lifeguards spotted a small shark in waist-deep water. Swimming was stopped three times over two hours. Beach patrol estimated the shark to be around 4-feet long.

These sharks have some real balls, hanging off the coast of Avalon. Don’t they know the locals pay taxes to prevent even the tiniest of inconveniences? You can’t expect Daddy Warbucks to sit back on the dunes and not be out on the high seas on his midlife crisis-inspired longboard. The locals simply won’t stand for this.

But for real, we’re all gonna die.


33 Responses

  1. Meh.

    I’ll take getting bit by a shark than sitting on the beach with the in-laws.

  2. this whole “im afraid of sharks” bit is not funny and just makes u look like a bigger pussy than u already are

    you got aids!

  3. What kind of goomba calf-tat jorts wearing trash do you have to be to wear one of these shirts?

  4. The Sauce Castillo shirt is so popular that it comes wrapped in 19 Pick Up The Shield t-shirts.

  5. I’d rather get eaten by a shark before the trading deadline than be forced to suffer through another Summer of Ruben and witness Cole Hamels get traded for Phillipppe Aumont, part deux.

  6. Love how he turns the comments off in his t-shirt ad, like we can’t rail on his shitty t-shirts in the next post.

    That being said…these are far from your worst, still would never buy one tho

    1. But you gotta buy one! They are somehow made out of cheaper material than American Apparel!

      1. I know when i go shopping i always ask myself “are these clothes modern enough”?

  7. Yeah what does sauce Castillo even mean? Makes less sense than that car commercial with a yellow hand sitting shotgun in some guys truck

    1. Someone was watching a kings game on mute and the closed caption on, the text recorded Stauskas’s name as “sauce castillo”…….so it stuck

      1. What in the fuck? Is this serious? And dude made a t shirt over a terrible basketball player who has a nickname for a dumb reason?

      2. ARE YOU SERIOUS?? Why the f would anyone care and buy a shirt about this carmichael? What a joke kyle, stick to playing lego batman bro

  8. I’d rather get my leg bitten off and a man of war attached to my ball sack before purchasing one of those stupid fucking t shirts. You guys should actually get creative with a rainbow flag with all the queer shit bob has said in the comments and for good measure fuck nova

  9. -We are large, round and beautiful.

    -These Sauce whatever-the-fuck shirts are actually worse than the Tebow shirts…..and that shouldn’t be possible.

    -Stop being a pussy. The sharks aren’t going to eat you; and the Man-O-Whatever-The-Hell couldn’t find your ballsack to chomp on with a ballsack detector.

    -Fuck Andy Bloom. Innes sucks.

  10. Add this reader to your list of shark sitting swimmers. In the surf about 4 feet deep and we spotted a shark while surfing and swimming with a bunch of others. 45th st at around 4pm. I have been surfing here my whole life and never seen a shark. 5 feet. Big enough i got out and stayed out. Check out bassbarn video of all sharks crushing bluefish off egg harbor 3 mikes off shore. 100’s. This is a legitimate concern until these things have migrated.

    1. …bigger pussy than Kyle.

      The shark is not going to eat you.

      Maybe just nibble a bit…

    2. Sharks have been here forever nimrod…
      they are caught every year up to 6-8 feet from the surf.

    1. Honestly, the beaches in LA kinda suck. Oil rigs offshore, cold as crap water. Santa Monica and Venice are better but the OC beaches blow.

  11. Sharks live in the ocean. Why the FUCK is everyone so surprised to see them while swimming in the fucking ocean? Sharks don’t come in your house and flip a shit because there are humans in it….

  12. I rather spend the day swimming in the ocean than an evening at Bill Cosby’s house.

  13. I gotta be honest that shirt is a disgrace….”absolute smoke” really?

    Kyle you’re such a hack

  14. Kyle TD last night. Vince Vaughns fight with that Slobba the Hut club owner was right up there with Bill Murray vs Sgt Hulka’s slugfest in Stripes.
    lotta sex issues simmering in the land of fruits and nuts

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