Today In “Kyle’s Not Going In The Ocean This Summer”

Voila_Capture 2015-07-19_11-24-44_AM

I just returned from a week of sitting on the beach, watching, waiting for the great beast to emerge from the shallow whitecaps.



It sensed its one equal in terms of might, strength, and having a strikingly white belly that is curiously susceptible to burning in the sun’s sharp rays– me.

I never made it in the water past the tops of my feet, and that only occurred because I had gone on the offensive with a rod and hook, in a (failed) attempt to lure the monster from its murky hiding place.

There was one brief moment where I thought my foe had struck right under my nose, however.

In Ocean City on Friday, lifeguards called everyone out of the water. A crowd gathered. A human-shaped mass lie on the beach. The red Baywatch golf cart-looking thing arrived, carrying a bright orange stretcher. This was it. It had struck. The shark had attacked.

I quickly fastened a shiv from the rotted wood on my beach chair. I rubbed some sand and sunblock (SPF 15– no more, no less) together and smeared it ‘neath my eyes. Warpaint. Well, more like a gay pirate’s swashbuckling glitter, but there was no time to course-correct my decision. I sprinted over to the scene, ready to strike and avenge what was surely an unjust murder.

No blood. No screams. No shark.

It turns out a kid had been flipped by a wave and landed on his head. He wasn’t moving and they were concerned about his neck. But his mom, his guardian, smiled as she gave first responders information. I’m assuming the stretcher and ambulance, which took the boy away, were precautionary measures.

Lifeguards climbed back atop their perch. Beachgoers returned to the water. I slunked back to my (now broken) chair, forgetting about my fruity buccaneer appearance. I sat down, forlorn, and buried the shiv in the sand (like a treasure, I remember exactly it’s spot). I thought to myself, “Maybe the great monsters have retreated, fearful of what awaits near shore. No more human flesh to satisfy their beastly cravings This victory is mine.”


Literally, for sport– at a surfing competition:

That’s surfer Mick Fanning, being attacked by a shark, live on TV, during the J Bay Open in South Africa.

Voila_Capture 2015-07-19_11-22-06_AM

Bring me my pirate paint. And the shiv. Gonna need the shiv, too.

H/T to my vigilant friends (@2Csikz), (@AlexFairview), (@valacyclovir), and (@Banditmax)


22 Responses

  1. Glad to have you back brother Kyle,now we can finally do what we do best brother Kyle and that’s talking sports.

    One last thing brother Kyle,what’s your opinion on brother Phil from Mt Airy getting fired from his weekend gig at 97.5 the fanatic?

    1. I turn off the radio every time you call, BROTHER. who do you think you are, Hulk Hogan?

      I’m not just some guy hiding behind an anonymous post either. I’ll fight you any time anywhere. My name is John Smith and I live at 1234 Main Street, Pleasantville, USA

      so there

      P.S. good riddance to Phil From Mt. Airy.

    1. Jim is young and dumb.

      One day in the not to distant future his daughter will want to bring Dominique Wilkins home for Sunday dinner, we’ll see how his attitude changes then…..

  2. Lady smiling as her motionless child is being med-evacced from beach.
    she musta just took out a good policy on the kid.


  3. Starting to wonder if some of the commenters are right and Jill Mele does actually bat for the other team. That one friend of hers definitely gives me a lesbian vibe.

    1. Damn I don’t mind giving up the bull dikes ,but Jillian is too hot to turn to the other side.

  4. Buddy of mind told me that you have a better chance of getting killed by a coconut then getting killed by a shark…lol so watch out above haha

  5. These surfers need to start duct taping a big fucking knife to there boards for situations like this. Stab that mother fucking shark in the eyes & let it know who’s the boss

    1. That rich wh0re deserved that beAting Ray gave her. She never gave up the pussy

  6. Wip is so gay they got cbs to hire pat gallen to put him on TV put was a front to hire him away from the phanatic and put him on the Wip shit station. What a douche move. Btw Joe Giulio can go suck a hairy dick

Comments are closed.