Bird Droppings: It’ll Wipe Right Off

I’ve had a (almost) full night to sleep on it and, you know what, I feel better. There is very little to be concerned about. Still, I’d stay DF away from sports talk radio today, because the knuckleheads – mostly callers, I mean – who can’t see the goddamn forrest branches through the trees are going to be freaking out over this one.

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Here’s the deal: there’s very little to worry about. The Eagles pummeled the Falcons in the second half. That up-tempo, culture-y stamina was too much for Atlanta to handle. The Eagles had too much speed, too much talent, and were too deep for the Falcons to even think about stopping them on a consistent basis. And the defense stepped up and made several big plays, and got a HUGE three-and-out (even if the Falcons had completely abandoned the pass by that point). Losing sucks, don’t get me wrong, and in the NFL you get very few mulligans, but Week 1 is always about the “whatta we got?” factor more than the “did we win?” factor. The Eagles got a lot.

If there’s one thing to be genuinely concerned about, it’s Cody Parkey. HE MISSED THAT KICK IN A DOME! Look at him holding his head here– that’s a man who hears voices shouting – SHOUTING! – at him. Coooooooooooooody, you misssssssssssed it, Coooooooooooody! They’re gooooooooing to hate yoooooooou, Coooooooooooody! The whole city hates yooooooooooou, Cooooooooooody! You’re not goooooooooooood enough, Coooooooooooooody! Laces ooooooooout, Cooooooooooooody!

The last guy that happened to got a sex change and wound up at Shady Acres Mental Hospital in Tampa.

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Your gun is digging into my hip

That might the Eagles’ biggest problem right now– their kicker’s looking for a place to stash Captain Winky.

The rest is all good. The numbers the Eagles put up – mostly in the second half – were obscene:

  • Bradford: 36 for 52, 336 yards, 1 TD and 2 INTs (one of which wasn’t his fault, at all)
  • Jordan Matthews: 10 receptions for 102 yards
  • Darren Sproles: 7 receptions for 76 yards, 5 carries for 50 yards

The overall rushing numbers were hurt by some big losses, but the three-headed monster of DeMarco Murray, Ryan Mathews and Darren Sproles looked positively unstoppable once they got going, and just look at all these receiver weapons:

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Hell, they sent me SURGING into the money in most of the CB Draft Kings contests [more on that later]:

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Nothing to worry about.

To the Droppings!

[give it a second to load– a lot here]


The Eagles are going on the Kiiiiiiiiiiiikoooooooo Power Play

Thanks to readers (@SGault13) and (@jeremykusnir) for that. Kiko both enthralls me and frightens me. He has the potential to be a special player. Normal humans don’t make catches like this


… not in their first quarter with a new team. The sample size is too small for this to be just random luck. I can’t wait to see what he does over the course of a 16-game season.

But, his dumb potential is off the charts. You can’t Truck Stick everyone, Hoss. “Tackles” like this, which seemingly aim to concuss the ballcarrier instead of bring him down, aren’t going to cut it:

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Coleman got an extra seven yards on that play (they were negated by a penalty).

Kiko has a lot of juice, but he’ll need to squeeze some of the pulp out, otherwise he’s Super-Talented Football Zac Rinaldo. Still, the flow:

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Offensive line

Somewhere, Evan Mathis is smiling… and probably negotiating against himself at the urging of his idiot agent.

WHAT ON EARTH? Like they’ve never seen a stunt before. Pocket was softer than one in a pair of mesh gym shorts. They got better as the game went on and the Falcons wore down – and you have to attribute some of their struggles to the Falcons being amped up and the crowd noise – but they didn’t look good early. AND WHAT IS ALLEN BARBRE DOING HERE?

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Gross. [Barbre made up for it by pushing Ryan Mathews in at the goal line in the fourth quarter, though.]


Byron Maxwell

I wanted to write a few sections to ease myself into this, because otherwise I would’ve been tempted to…

pic via (@tallmaurice)
pic via (@tallmaurice)

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… ah dammit.

Maxwell got absolutely torched last night, and it doesn’t help that the best he could do was laugh it off:


Julio Jones is a great receiver and does this to a lot of corners, but it’s noooooota, noooooota, nnammmmmmdi, nooooooota good sign for the big high-priced cornerback when he gets beat this badly in his first game. I honestly feel more Cary Williams than Nnamdi with him (even though people on Twitter disagree). Williams was the guy with a heightened profile thanks to being on a Super Bowl team. I think the Eagles paid the “Seahawks Premium” for Maxwell.


Malcolm Jenkins

New contributor and Chip Kelly expert Mark Saltveit wrote this last night, but completely agree: Malcolm Jenkins needs more time on jugs.

He dropped both of these (!!!):

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Still, he gets a pass (well, not the one from Matt Ryan…). He otherwise played well and made the big tackle in the late third down situation.


Thurmond III

Big pick out of him. He looked great in the preseason, has great reviews from training camp, and played decent last night. Ducks  unite!



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Can we talk about Chip’s miniature S-8 sheet? What the hell happened to it? Can he even read what’s on it? It’s the iPad Mini of playcall sheets. The all-new, thinner, lighter S-8 Mini. Still an S-8, but now more portable and harder for cameras to pick up. It still gets all-day tempo offense. It’s our best S-8 yet.

Apparently, the S-8 Mini had some trouble powering up…


This guy

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This fucking guy.



I could seriously watch Kelce block like this all day long. He’s the key to their running game. He gets out so far ahead of the play on run and screen plays it’s ridiculous. Look at this:

Murray touchdown:

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Great view of it here:


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These are all from the third quarter!


Third quarter drive

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Speaking of, that long drive was stupid. The Falcons wouldn’t have stopped the Eagles had it been a million yard drive. It’s like the Eagles were taking penalties just so they could pad their fantasy stats* and further wear out the Falcons’ D. I’m not kidding– I’m 70% convinced they’re so good that their strategy might have been to take five-yard penalties here and there so they could really gas the defense. It’s like the Eagles’ version of the Cowboys getting four timeouts or Phillies pitchers needing four outs because their fielding is so terrible. 120-yard drives. I like it.

*Much needed for those of us who had both Sam Bradford and Jordan Matthews and went apoplectic when the Eagles didn’t challenge that obvious touchdown and instead gave the ball to Ryan Mathews on the next play… whom I also had. This is why I’m your blogger of choice.



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And of course, not all of their stats were perfect.


Les is not more

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Thanks, Les, for your valuable contribution to our collective enjoyment of this game.


DeMarco Murray

He concerned me in the first half and only wound up with nine rushing yards (thanks to some losses) and 11 receiving yards. But, those two touchdowns:


He asserted himself in the second half and looked like the star player that he is. That’s the thing with studs– keep going to the well and you’ll find sumptin’ to drink.

Side note: 9 rushing yards, 11 receiving yards, 12 total touches and 2 touchdowns. WEIRDEST FANTASY LINE EVER.


The draw play

New rule: If you can’t see the yellow line on your TV and it’s third and long, a draw play shouldn’t work:

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This is a backbreaker. It was a great playcall, but this simply can’t happen. It’s not like it took amazing feats of athleticism to pull off either. I’m not even sure Dan Quinn thought this would get a first down– he may have just been trying to get his punter some room. But nope! Space all day.

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And yes, that does look like an inverted penis.


He’s a kicker

Negative man points here to Cedric Thornton:

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Same play

Did anyone notice the Eagles ran different versions of the same play four straight times during their march down field in the fourth quarter– running back wheeling out, Matthews curling in the middle:

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The Falcons were getting Madden’d by Chip. It makes it that much harder to swallow…


The decision to kick

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I think you go for it here. I’m not second-guessing either. It’s a long kick, with a shaken – and now potentially crazy – kicker. There’s still time to get the ball back. You have the best running game in the league. The offense is moving. It just made sense. And Chip screwed himself twice: He didn’t go for it and he rushed said headcase kicker to kick one of the biggest kicks of his life.

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Small playcard for small balls. Sorry, Chip. I bet if you break out the ol’ percentages, going for it probably would’ve been real close to kicking here in terms of success. And his decision is making me agree with Skip Bayless, WHICH I DON’T LIKE VERY MUCH:

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Haha! But the Cowboys might need to bring in another wide receiver, AMIRITE?!


Oh stop it

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Big game next week.

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57 Responses

  1. Hello I am Anwar Al-Salami, and I thank you for your generous gift of 2 pallets of Tee Shirts to clothe the teeming mass of refugees trying to get to Western Europe and USA.
    A few questions please? Why are so many shirts marked XXL and XXXL? We use those odd sizes to make tents.
    Also, why the scrawny chicken kneeling? What does that mean. And who is this Ruben you wish to Phire? I think you mean Obama, no?
    And Western Culture does not win. You should know that the prophet Allah (bless unto him all glories!) has envisioned the culture that will win and it does not include idolizing scrawny chickens.
    Thanks you again and best wishes until we reach your shores and start collecting the wonderous welfare, food stamps, disability checks and Section 8 housing from your taxpayers.

    1. put a sock in it you towel head.

      Julio Jones is a top 3 receiver.
      Matt Ryan is a top 10 QB.
      The ATL D is much improved.
      The Eagles O line needs work.
      Bradford looks much much better than Foles / Sanchez.
      The RBs are going to be great
      Jordan Matthews was fantastic.
      nothing to worry about, the Birds will still be 12-4 and win the NFC east and play for the NFC title.

  2. But…but…but Chip Kelly is a genius!!! But…but…but DeMarco Murray lead the NFL in rushing last year!!! But…but…but Sam Bradford is awesome when he’s healthy!!!

      1. If you’re referring to the Eagles getting stomped by the undermanned Dallas Cowboys, then you’re correct.

        And btw nice impersonation of the great houdini’s disappearing act by Brandon Graham.

    1. Funny how much everyone loved Parkey last year when he was a scoring machine. One rushed kick missed later, HE’s the problem? C’mon, man. Chip got cute and tried to cross up the Falcons with a last-minute kick attempt and it but him in the ass. And even if he made the FG, who was going to stop Julio Jones when Atlanta got the ball back?
      Take a breath, go take a walk and clear your head. You’re still drunk from last night and you’re not thinking straight. Blaming the kicker for that team loss (no pressure on Ryan, Jenkins dropped 2 INTs, no run game in the 1st half, no answer for their WRs) is reactionary and shows you missed most of the game.

      1. ONE missed kick later?

        Yeah he totally didn’t miss two kicks in the Redskins game or miss any field goals or even an extra point in the preseason…

        1. The guy has to be injured. He was money until the end of last season then all of a sudden became inconsistent.

          1. Maybe, but we saw the exact same thing happen with Alex Henery.

            And if he is injured, then that’s on Chip to do something about it. He needs to get someone else in here who’s healthy enough to make kicks.

  3. Murray can’t run in the shotgun, ethier chip changes a few things and get bradford to take some snaps under center and get murray running full steam, hitting the holes or he’s just going to be another body back there. You’re overblowing this maxwell thing, ESPECIALLY after week 1 let the guy play a few games before you talk shit Kyle, You can see kelce makes blocks like that all week? how about that holding penalty call that led to parkeys missed field goal? WE HAD THE FIRST DOWN. Don’t forget to wipe off when you’re done choking on kelce’s dick Kyle Scott you bitch

    1. Over the past 3 years the top 2 running backs out of the shotgun have been Ryan Matthews and Demarco Murray, Your a fucking dolt

      1. WTf are you talking about you’re trying to tell me murray ran out of shotgun in dallas? you fucking dick eating chode. Same guy calling someone a “dolt” can’t understand the difference between your and you’re. Tell me how matthews succeeded in san diego? i’ll wait….

  4. I continue to post new selfies of me daily. Yet,
    The same it’s the same 5 wierdos that constantly compliment me and tell me how hot I am.

    Please, stop by my Instagram and let me know how hot you think I am.

    1. I’m always embarrassed for those nerds who say that shit to chicks with ego’s like k@cie & Jillian on Twitter or Instagram

  5. Guys I’m back, and I, for one, can’t wait for the Josh Innes Show today. His refreshing, intelligent takes on sports and the culture at large are terrific to hear on my drive home. As a true Philadelphian and a knowledgeable analyst, he provides terrific content and very funny, poignant takes on what’s going on with the Eagles.

    I’m just kidding. That fat slob is going to Tebow troll and talk about himself. And the audience will continue. HIS RATINGS SUCK.

  6. A few things I learned from last night’s game:

    The Eagles o-line misses Evan Mathis in the worst way, and to all you idiots(Barrett Brooks)who said Allen Barbre is an upgrade over Mathis go to hell.

    Brandon Graham is not an adequate rep

    1. lacement for Trent Cole.

      The Eagles entire 2015 draft class so far is a joke.

      And Byron Maxwell is the second coming of Izell “Toast” Jenkins

      And nice job by Chip of abandoning the run game.

  7. That culture, stamina thingy pummeled the Falcons? Did it? It did for one quarter, and by then the Eagles were too far back and if Matt Ryan doesn’t throw two bad picks (the Kiko one was a magnificent catch but a poorly thrown pass) they are buried by the time they “pummel” the other team with their speedy culture.

    The Falcons O Line was makeshift with rejects and dudes out of position and they manhandled the Eagle’s D. The secondary is still a huge concern.

    The offense took a half to finally click and when it did it put up 21 points 9& on a really short field) against one of the worst defenses in the league last year.

    Chip Kelly hasn’t won a game that counts since Thanksgiving. (The only thing that Giants meaningless win did was assure Kelly he couldn’t get “his guy” Mariota in the draft).

    You have plenty to be worried about, hombre.

    1. Well, not me. I haven’t cared for Kelly from the get-go and to me he keeps going downhill. I am tired of hearing what a genius he is. This is just what I expected.

  8. Did anyone see Rendell hitting on Jillian Mele during the postgame?

    Extremely awkward.

    Also, I could’ve done without her reading tweets from idiot fans. Stick to BOB.

  9. Murray/Mathews/Sproles were positively unstoppable? Sproles had a big night mostly in the passing game. Murray and Mathews combined for a whopping 13 yards rushing.

  10. Good write up Kyle. Bottom line is on 4th and 1 when you are rolling and have 3 great backs and a shakey kickey, you go for it. Plain and simple.

  11. hahahah this makes me so happy. i love how all the stupid fuck eagles fans were riding high after winning a PRESEASON game. A game where THE BEST QB IN THE LEAGUE didnt play. fuck you eagles fans. hahahahahah 6-10 here you come.

  12. Can we just take a minute to reflect on how terrible and one-sided the refs were last night? that call on Kiko was a joke and a game changer.

  13. Is the preseason champions parade still on? Maybe someday the media and fans will realize preseason means nothing.

  14. Question. When will you guys be stealing the Deadspin post on the 49ers fans beating the shit out of Vikings fans and posting on here? I’m loyal to this site. Thanks

  15. Eagles fans are pathetic. Your team has been around forever and never won shit… Your fight song sounds like a 1950’s showtune. And you blue collar shit bags convince your self that spending $15 million more, losing a draft pick and getting rid of a pro football qb that went 27-2 for a draft bust qb that was going to get cut in 2 weeks….. is a good thing!!!! LOL!!…….. and all your women are ugly:)

  16. Oh… by the way, josh innes is the best thing in philly sports….. LOL #fat …Flyers cant hold shit to the STL Blues, dont have a basketball team but, neither do you.. and by the way the best baseball team is in the STL, your team isn’t good enough to be our AAA affilate all this despite the $ and population advantage that is 5X less…… So LOL!! Fuck You!! Bahahahaha!!!!!

  17. I still feel sorry for the Eagles. Anyway, is it just me or has everyone lost a little bit of passion for the game? Or the league?

  18. ^^^ This dude obviously has never been to St Louis, calling Philly girls ugly.. Oh and uh yep blue collar maybe but nobody works in St Louis they’re all collecting unemployment. Guy from Pennsylvania a true St Louis supporter, I’m dying laughing over here… ST LOUIS, REALLY????

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