Eagles – Cowboys: 6 Disasters

Photo Credit: James Lang-USA TODAY Sports

Was there anything good about this game? Sure. Uh, Jordan Hicks stepped in well off the bench, Cody Parkey made a 46-yard field goal and an extra point (though the FG didn’t have much distance to spare and his rare kickoffs were lucky to reach the end zone. Josh Huff caught a couple of passes, Jordan Matthews came on at the end, and Taylor Hart made a couple of plays off the bench. Malcolm Jenkins made plays and actually, the defense was reasonably stout until the very end of the game.

That’s pretty thin gruel, though. Overall the best thing you can say about this game is that it’s over. There’s not enough room in the Internet to list all of the bad things, so I’m going to focus on the five biggest disasters in this mountain of awful.

1. Kiko’s Alonso’s injury.

Kiko Alonso, who saved a touchdown against Atlanta, reinjured his left knee, the same one he tore his ACL on last year. The team immediately reported he was out for the game, which was the first bad sign. The second was a report that he had “no range of motion” at all. In other words, he couldn’t move it in any direction without excruciating pain. Very few minor injuries cause that.

There were plenty of disasters tonight but this is the one that will probably last the longest.


2. Mychal Kendricks’ injury.

A hamstring isn’t nearly as serious, but the team obviously needed him in Alonso’s absence, especially after Demeco Ryans had serious problems keeping up with both runs around the edge and short passes. Fortunately, Jordan Hicks looked decent coming off the bench. They’re going to need him. Jason Peters was also shaken up and left the game, but seemed to be fine.


3. The passing game.

For all the criticism of the offensive line, they did pretty well in pass protection in the first half. The Eagles still could barely complete a pass until the final touchdown drive in garbage time. In the first half, Agholor led the team with one reception for eight yards. Jordan Matthews had a terrible drop early that set the tone for a miserable night. Total pass yardage in the first half — 24 yards. Bradford’s passes were erratic in the first half and worse in the second, adding interceptions to the stew. He was clearly rattled.


4. The running game.

As weak as the passing game was, the run game was far worse, racking up a hefty minus-three yards in the first half on seven carries. Only some gains on the final drive got DeMarco Murray into possible territory — 13 carries for just two net yards. That’s 0.15 yards per carry, which is probably not going to be quite good enough to make the playoffs.

Though the final numbers changed, the futility of the run game was best captured by this third quarter tweet:

5. Turnovers

Since Dallas couldn’t really score either, Philadelphia was always vaguely within striking distance. The Eagles had to cement the crappiness of this loss with several key turnovers — a red zone interception (when Riley Cooper was wide open), a bad snap by Kelce when Bradford wasn’t ready (to negate the 34-yard fumble return by Malcolm Jenkins), and a second interception to snuff out another promising drive.

The clincher was the blocked punt that Dallas returned for a touchdown, converting another Eagles strength — special teams — into another source of failure.


6. The referees

The lead ref announced “This is the end of the first quarter” after three had ended. They also called six penalties on the Eagles and 18 on the Cowboys, determined to make this weird and bad game last as long as humanly possible. It was sadistic and cruel of them, though it’s scary to think how much worse the Eagles might have lost without an 10-penalty advantage.

Moving forward, there’s good news and bad news. Another game will arrive in a week to wash the taste of this one out of our mouths. The bad news is, it’s the Jets, and their gritty defense will have no trouble smothering the Eagles offense if things don’t change very dramatically by then.

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84 Responses

  1. But…but…but Chip Kelly is a genius!!! But…but…but DeMarco Murray lead the NFL in rushing last year!!! But…but…but Sam Bradford is awesome when he’s healthy!!!

    HAHAHAHA!!!! ???


    We Dem Boys!!!!!!

    1. Listen man.

      The Eagles suck. Chip Kelly isn’t a genius, Bradford is overrated, Maxwell couldn’t year a senior citizen and the Cowboys are a way better team, lastly all you Cowboy fans who keep saying “WE DEM BOYS” sound like a bunch of incoherent f@gg0ts.

    2. Did I mention how much I love to have loads of man juice shot into my mouth? Yum!

      Romo and Dez are out for the better half of the season but I will still troll sites of other teams while enjoying a nice man load!

      We Dem Boys!

  2. Hey assholes. This is the second time you told me to bet everything on Eagles win. Fuck you – I lost my home and savings vs Falcons. I lost my vacation home and retirement money vs Cowboys.
    Should I bet this crumbled up five dollar bill on the Eagles vs the Jets?
    Fuckers I have lost everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    1. Did cheap fuck give me your $$$ Jeffrey “$40 parking” Lurie pick up his wife at a Chinese massage parlor ??

  3. Regardless of the actual outcome of the game, watching NFL football anymore is more painful than a root canal. Every game has become a penalty flag joke. I never saw so many flags thrown in an NFL game in my life in this Eagles game. I had to turn the game off halfway though the 3rd quarter because it became unwatchable. How people can still watch this NFL slop is beyond me. Football was so much better to watch 10+ years ago. Now it’s become a joke. You football fans got what you wanted. A flag football product as a result of 1000 replays.

    1. People shit on soccer all the time but you know what you get with soccer at least? 90+ minutes of no fucking commercials.

      1. The REAL football will surge to dominance soon. Even if the MLS sucks, the EPL shits on the NFL in terms of overall product. Laugh now, but in 10 years, there won’t be an NFL when all of these mush-for-brains players are withering into the obscurity of their own thoughts.

        For what it’s worth, I still believe in the Eagles this season.


      2. Hell yea. How anyone can sit through a boring National Flag-throwing League game and have the nerve to call REAL football boring is beyond me. Oh start of the game? Lets go to commercial. Coin toss over? Lets go to commercial. Kick off received? cut to commercial. Time out? lets go to commercial. Commercial? Play 2 more commercials…

    1. Excuse me my work is exemplary —- fellow tribesman Barkann, Senile Didinger, and darkie token Westbrook just can’t keep up with my brillance

    2. It is, but the team is a wreck. Listen, Romo’s injury still has kept this division open but the people downing the kool aid and saying 13-3 and contending for a superbowl was laughable.

  4. Kelly treated the roster this past off season as someone who was playing Madden with a high risk, high reward strategy.

    It is exploding nuclear style in his face, in a football town. You can get past the Atlanta loss, but this one, the Eagles could not have look more inept.

    Worst guards in football too

    1. …if you knew squat about football and actually watched the game instead of regurgitating things other idiots say, you’d realize the problem on the line is not the guards ..it’s Kelce and Peters …

  5. Listening to Dave Spadaro on WIP right now. He’s sounds so depressed he may be contemplating taking a blade to his wrist. Hahahahaha. Spadaro is a smug fuck. He was arguing earlier on WIP before the game with the other hosts on how the Cowboys have no shot at wining the game because they don’t have any talent at WR or RB without Bryant and Murray. How did that turn out Mr. Spadaro?

  6. I wonder if Chip has pushed and micromanaged his players to the point that they don’t want to play for him. He may be the new Nick Saban, an authoritarian asshole who doesn’t respect and can’t work with grown men.

  7. Chip “Check Your Ego at the Door” Kelly.

    You’re not a genius, you took Rich Rods scheme and Nike Money and built an empire in Oregon.

    The College game is quite a bit different than the NFL game and you don’t let players like DJax, Maclin, Mathis, McCoy walk and replace them with Mediocre Pac 10 players you scouted 6 years ago.

    Oh also you don’t win in the NFL without a QB and Sam Badford is not a NFL QB.

  8. I would say the issues start at the guards. Murray is a between the tackles runner and you kinda need good starting guards to run this offense. Once you can’t run, play action disappears and you’re essentially a one dimensional offense. Teams are rushing up the middle with incredible success…that never happened before this season. Also, Jason Peters looks cooked.

    Chip Kelly’s obvious mistakes this offseason:

    Cutting Mathis AND Herremans – I understand Herremans with his age but Mathis was simply Chip’s ego – which will doom Kelly in this league
    Not drafting ANY offensive lineman – This actually might be his biggest mistake – With aging guys and bad backups this should have been a high priority
    Betting on injury prone guys
    Trading depth at a position you are shallow at – Even before Shepherd went down I hated the the trade of Boykin.

    Crazy thing is, I think they can still win the division because the NFC East is probably the worst in the NFL right now.

    But I think we can all agree, a Super Bowl appearance, 11-5, 12-4…these are pipe dreams, a playoff win is probably unlikely too.

    I see 7-9 for this team.

    1. I would say the issue is that the eagles are run by a stupid juuuuuuu who dates a gook and his fans are a bunch of loud mouth no super bowl winning spear chucking monkeys !


  9. Eagles would have won that game if they started dirty. He might give you a couple turnovers but at least he would have moved the ball .

    Side note why is Jillian Mele on post game dead?

  10. Eagles Offensive lineman and RB’s running sideways. Cowboys Defensive Front 7 running straight ahead. Doesnt take a genius to figuure out thats not going to end well for the Eagles.

    Bradford is worse than I could have ever imagined. Sanchez should start Sunday.

    1. I gotta imagine, like most large chested women, that in their natural state they’re nowhere near as nice as you’d imagine. But, you never know, and you gotta believe

  11. Weakened O-line – Check!
    No top tier receivers – Check!
    Overpaid for an average cb in Byron Maxwell – Check!
    Overpaid for running backs and give them no blocking – Check!
    6 – 10 record – Check!
    Chip Kelly stripped of gm duties after season – Check!

    1. So it’s DeMarco’s fault that he’s got 2 defenders on him as soon as he gets the handoff? He’s a much better running back when he isn’t tripping over his interior linemen, laying at his feet after getting run over every play. Yeah, it’s DeMarco’s fault. Turns out he plays better with an actual NFL line in front of him – who knew?

      1. Did I say it was Murray’s fault or did I mock Kyle’s tracking of Murray’s flight to Philly? Reading comprehension, bro.

  12. The injury on Kiko Alonso just made me cringe. The hair on the back of my neck is already standing just by talking about it. Sad news for the Eagles. I hope he gets well without too many major issues because after the ACL injury he had before, we all knew that he will be having a hard time coming back full strength.

  13. The Eagles sucked and lost the game, but Dallas is screwed. Romo out 8-10, mom-beating Dez out at least 6 more, thugalicious Hardy still suspended. Good luck, fucksticks.

  14. I can’t recall the nature of the loses, but the 2003 season started out 0-2 as well; just to put things in perspective. Having said that, I can’t remember an Eagles team playing this poor offensively since prior to 2000.

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  16. The injury on Kiko Alonso just made me cringe. The hair on the back of my neck is already standing just by talking about it. Sad news for the Eagles. I hope he gets well without too many major issues because after the ACL injury he had before, we all knew that he will be having a hard time coming back full strength.

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