Our Last-Minute Fantasy Rankings


These (last-minute) rankings come from Neighbor Mike, who will be our fantasy advice guru throughout the season, mostly for daily fantasy leagues.

Neighbor Mike is not some gimmicky fantasy schlub hiding behind a pen name. His name really is Mike, and he’s literally Kyle’s (potentially degenerate) neighbor. He’s also obscenely good at fantasy sports. He’s a husband, father, son, fantasy man-steed. The kind of guy that works out all year so he can get fat again in football season. He once cut a rabbit’s head off with his lawnmower. He’s won every league he’s ever played in (or so he says), and lately has been dominating Draft Kings, where last year he was a fourth quarter away (in basketball) from being one of those guys you read about in the papers. He’s a fantasy sports addict and will be making his weekly Draft Kings calls all season long. To start, he’s willing to put his season-long league rankings up against any of the experts and encourages you to hold him to these rankings, which he says are pure perfection. This, is his measuring stick:


  1. Andrew Luck
  2. Aaron Rodgers
  3. Ben Roethlisberger
  4. Sam Bradford
  5. Peyton Manning
  6. Russell Wilson
  7. Tom Brady
  8. Ryan Tannehill
  9. Tony Romo
  10. Philip Rivers
  11. Matt Ryan
  12. Eli Manning
  13. Matthew Stafford
  14. Drew Brees
  15. Carson Palmer
  16. Blake Bortles
  17. Joe Flacco
  18. Cam Newton
  19. Teddy Bridgewater
  20. Tyrod Taylor

31. Kyle’s Dog

Andrew Luck and Aaron Rodgers are the consensus top-two, but the third-ranked Ben Roethlisberger isn’t something you’ll see on many lists. But his offense was on fire last year, and the Steelers’ mediocre defense will keep him throwing the ball. Sam Bradford takes the number four spot in Chip Kelly’s offense, Blake Bortles is the sleeper of the year, and coming in at #31 is Kyle’s dog, who is a “nice, friendly dog,” according to Neighbor Mike.



  1. Adrian Peterson
  2. Jeremy Hill
  3. Le’Veon Bell
  4. Eddie Lacy
  5. Jamaal Charles
  6. C.J. Anderson
  7. Marshawn Lynch
  8. Lamar Miller
  9. DeMarco Murray
  10. Frank Gore
  11. Mark Ingram
  12. Matt Forte
  13. Justin Forsett
  14. LeSean Mccoy
  15. Carlos Hyde
  16. Chris Ivory
  17. Jonathan Stewart
  18. Latavius Murray
  19. Doug Martin
  20. Andre Ellington

Adrian Peterson is back and playing with a purpose, so he’s the no-doubt number one here. Jeremy Hill came in and took Gio Bernard’s job and he’s not going to give it back, while Le’Veon Bell would have been the top back if he wasn’t missing a few games. Lamar Miller is primed and ready for a breakout season, and Andre Ellington would find himself in a much higher spot if these were PPR rankings.



  1. Dez Bryant
  2. Calvin Johnson
  3. Demaryius Thomas
  4. Antonio Brown
  5. A.J. Green
  6. T.Y.Hilton
  7. Odell Beckham
  8. Randall Cobb
  9. Mike Evans
  10. Julio Jones
  11. DeAndre Hopkins
  12. Jordan Matthews
  13. Allen Robinson
  14. Davante Adams
  15. Alshon Jeffery
  16. Desean Jackson
  17. Andre Johnson
  18. Brandin Cooks
  19. Sammy Watkins
  20. Golden Tate

Demaryius Thomas all of a sudden finds himself without Julius Thomas there to steal his touchdown catches, while Antonio Brown will probably go first in your league, because he’s everywhere and catches everything. Mike Evans’ huge rookie year happened in spite of his quarterbacks, and he might have a real one throwing to him now. DeAndre Hopkins is primed for a breakout year now that he’s the man in Houston, and Jordan Matthews should be open all day.



  1. Rob Gronkowski
  2. Greg Olsen
  3. Jimmy Graham
  4. Kyle Rudolph
  5. Travis Kelce
  6. Eric Ebron
  7. Tyler Eifert
  8. Austin Seferian-Jenkins
  9. Zach Ertz
  10. Coby Fleener
  11. Jason Witten
  12. Martellus Bennett
  13. Delanie Walker
  14. Dwayne Allen
  15. Larry Donnell
  16. Julius Thomas
  17. Jordan Cameron
  18. Richard Rodgers
  19. Vernon Davis
  20. Owen Daniels

Gronk is number one until Gronk doesn’t play. Greg Olsen will get a ton of targets and quietly always puts up points. Kyle Rudolph will benefit from the return of Adrian Peterson and a revitalized running game in Minnesota. Eric Ebron is a hunch pick who likely has a big season coming, and Tyler Eifert is reportedly uncoverable. Eli wil rely on Larry Donnell to cut down on his Manning-face.



  1. Justin Tucker
  2. Adam Vinatieri
  3. Cody Parkey
  4. Mason Crosby
  5. Stephen Gostkowski
  6. Steven Hauschka
  7. Josh Scobee
  8. Dan Bailey
  9. Brandon Mcmanus
  10. Matt Bryant
  11. Matt Prater
  12. Dan Carpenter
  13. Randy Bullock
  14. Blair Walsh
  15. Dustin Hopkins
  16. Caleb Sturgis
  17. Josh Brown
  18. Chandler Catanzaro
  19. Nick Folk
  20. Mike Nugent

These are the kickers. This is the order in which they should be taken.



  2. Buffalo
  3. St. Louis
  4. Houston
  5. Miami
  6. Seattle
  7. Denver
  8. New York Jets
  9. Green Bay
  10. Minnesota
  11. Kansas City
  12. Cincinatti
  13. Baltimore
  14. Carolina
  15. New England
  16. Arizona
  17. Cleveland
  18. Indianapolis
  19. Tampa Bay
  20. Washington

These are the defenses. They will rarely win you games but oh man can they lose you games. Don’t mess up.

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Play in our Week 1 Draft Kings event. It’s $5 to enter. There’s a $250 prize pool. If you beat Kyle, you get a t-shirt from the CB store, courtesy of Draft Kings. Create your team.


23 Responses

    1. Exactly what I came to comment. Is this a few years ago when Calvin was a monster? Not saying he isn’t top 10 but 2 is ridiculous. Denver will also be running the ball more so gtfo on Demaryious at #1 as well.

      Lmao at Eagles #1 D. Aaahaha.

      1. Eagles are the #1 defense & SPECIAL TEAMS. They were the best special teams by far last year and will probably be the best again. Fantasy DST has nothing to do with how good your defense is. You could have the 32nd ranked defense and give up 500 yards a game and it still wouldnt matter.

        The opponents score barely effects your DST points. Even if you give up 30 a week thats like negative 3 points. But you get 2 per int/fumble, 6 per td, 2 per safety, and 1 per sack. The Eagles offense is so quick that there defense is on the field nearly 20% more then the majority of teams. Which means more opportunities for sacks, fumbles, interceptions, safeties, and defensive touchdowns. Also add in a couple of punt returns, kick returns, blocked punts, and blocked kicks. It starts to add up.

        Which is why the Eagles are definitely the best DST and its not really even close.

  1. Darren from Downingtown: ….It’s about religious freedom, Mike. Marriage is between a man and a woman! The Supreme Court had no right!
    Mike Miss: But bro, you’re missing the point, bro. She can believe what she wants, but the law is the law, bro. Think deeper.
    DfD: Mike, it’s God’s-
    MM: Look within now, bro. You’ll see.
    DfD: The other thing I wanted to talk about was that Chip…Chip made a huge mistake by letting Tebow go.
    MM: Oh marone! Ok, bro. Bro, we’ve got it, bro. So, bro, you want a general knowledge question?
    DfD: Sure.
    MM: Alright, bro. This comes from the general knowledge category, bro. Bro, what is the biggest state, in terms of land area?
    DfD: The biggest state?
    MM: Yea, bro. The biggest state in terms of land area. Like size, bro.
    DfD: Oh, well Texas.
    MM: Bro.
    Martinez: Unbelievable.
    MM: You see, Martinez. You set it up for people and they can’t-
    Martinez: Wow.
    MM: It’s Alaska, bro. Alaska.
    Matinez: Sarah Palin is from Alaska.
    MM: You know that one, Martinez?
    Martinez: Of course!
    MM: Murray from Mayfair, you’re on 97.5 The Fanatic. What’s going on, Murray?
    MfM: Hello, Michael. Mr. Ellis couldn’t get to me, but that’s OK. I’m glad to talk to you about the first place Dodgers of Los Angeles, and I’ve also got several other points to make. First, that Kershaw…

  2. What kind of idiotic rankings are these? At this point it’s almost a lock that Ertz won’t play this week and somehow he’s ranked 9? Lol

    Great advice!!

  3. “Demaryius Thomas all of a sudden finds himself with a TE who will be stealing his touchdown catches,”

    I think Julius Thomas last year is better than Owen Daniels this year.

  4. it appears as though he is down on the Falcons, but I think that Julio Jones should be much higher than 10, and Matt Ryan too.

  5. Anybody that says they’ve won “every league he’s ever played in” (and has Jeremy Hill ranked #2 among RB’s and Sam Bradford ranked #4 among QB’s) really has no clue.

  6. I like the idea of having your creepy neighbor Mike make daily fantasy picks. We will see how his picks are over the next few weeks compared to my daily lineups.

  7. So much homerism I can see the Chip Kool-aid oozing from the post. Bradford 4? Eagles D 1? The WR rankings are laughable, should’ve just gone for broke and put Nelson Agholor in the top 15.
    Your loser neighbor ‘wins every league he’s been in’ and was a 4th quarter away from being 1 of the outdoors holding a giant check from that scam called draft kings? You 2 are such schmucks. Make me a shitty t-shirt with that asinine Tebow chicken getting on a plane after getting cut instead of wasting our time and patience with this dumpster fire of an article.

    1. 1 of the idiots* holding a giant check. Autocorrect and lack of an edit function at its finest.

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