These (last-minute) rankings come from Neighbor Mike, who will be our fantasy advice guru throughout the season, mostly for daily fantasy leagues.
Neighbor Mike is not some gimmicky fantasy schlub hiding behind a pen name. His name really is Mike, and he’s literally Kyle’s (potentially degenerate) neighbor. He’s also obscenely good at fantasy sports. He’s a husband, father, son, fantasy man-steed. The kind of guy that works out all year so he can get fat again in football season. He once cut a rabbit’s head off with his lawnmower. He’s won every league he’s ever played in (or so he says), and lately has been dominating Draft Kings, where last year he was a fourth quarter away (in basketball) from being one of those guys you read about in the papers. He’s a fantasy sports addict and will be making his weekly Draft Kings calls all season long. To start, he’s willing to put his season-long league rankings up against any of the experts and encourages you to hold him to these rankings, which he says are pure perfection. This, is his measuring stick:
QB:
- Andrew Luck
- Aaron Rodgers
- Ben Roethlisberger
- Sam Bradford
- Peyton Manning
- Russell Wilson
- Tom Brady
- Ryan Tannehill
- Tony Romo
- Philip Rivers
- Matt Ryan
- Eli Manning
- Matthew Stafford
- Drew Brees
- Carson Palmer
- Blake Bortles
- Joe Flacco
- Cam Newton
- Teddy Bridgewater
- Tyrod Taylor
31. Kyle’s Dog
Andrew Luck and Aaron Rodgers are the consensus top-two, but the third-ranked Ben Roethlisberger isn’t something you’ll see on many lists. But his offense was on fire last year, and the Steelers’ mediocre defense will keep him throwing the ball. Sam Bradford takes the number four spot in Chip Kelly’s offense, Blake Bortles is the sleeper of the year, and coming in at #31 is Kyle’s dog, who is a “nice, friendly dog,” according to Neighbor Mike.
RB:
- Adrian Peterson
- Jeremy Hill
- Le’Veon Bell
- Eddie Lacy
- Jamaal Charles
- C.J. Anderson
- Marshawn Lynch
- Lamar Miller
- DeMarco Murray
- Frank Gore
- Mark Ingram
- Matt Forte
- Justin Forsett
- LeSean Mccoy
- Carlos Hyde
- Chris Ivory
- Jonathan Stewart
- Latavius Murray
- Doug Martin
- Andre Ellington
Adrian Peterson is back and playing with a purpose, so he’s the no-doubt number one here. Jeremy Hill came in and took Gio Bernard’s job and he’s not going to give it back, while Le’Veon Bell would have been the top back if he wasn’t missing a few games. Lamar Miller is primed and ready for a breakout season, and Andre Ellington would find himself in a much higher spot if these were PPR rankings.
WR:
- Dez Bryant
- Calvin Johnson
- Demaryius Thomas
- Antonio Brown
- A.J. Green
- T.Y.Hilton
- Odell Beckham
- Randall Cobb
- Mike Evans
- Julio Jones
- DeAndre Hopkins
- Jordan Matthews
- Allen Robinson
- Davante Adams
- Alshon Jeffery
- Desean Jackson
- Andre Johnson
- Brandin Cooks
- Sammy Watkins
- Golden Tate
Demaryius Thomas all of a sudden finds himself without Julius Thomas there to steal his touchdown catches, while Antonio Brown will probably go first in your league, because he’s everywhere and catches everything. Mike Evans’ huge rookie year happened in spite of his quarterbacks, and he might have a real one throwing to him now. DeAndre Hopkins is primed for a breakout year now that he’s the man in Houston, and Jordan Matthews should be open all day.
TE:
- Rob Gronkowski
- Greg Olsen
- Jimmy Graham
- Kyle Rudolph
- Travis Kelce
- Eric Ebron
- Tyler Eifert
- Austin Seferian-Jenkins
- Zach Ertz
- Coby Fleener
- Jason Witten
- Martellus Bennett
- Delanie Walker
- Dwayne Allen
- Larry Donnell
- Julius Thomas
- Jordan Cameron
- Richard Rodgers
- Vernon Davis
- Owen Daniels
Gronk is number one until Gronk doesn’t play. Greg Olsen will get a ton of targets and quietly always puts up points. Kyle Rudolph will benefit from the return of Adrian Peterson and a revitalized running game in Minnesota. Eric Ebron is a hunch pick who likely has a big season coming, and Tyler Eifert is reportedly uncoverable. Eli wil rely on Larry Donnell to cut down on his Manning-face.
K:
- Justin Tucker
- Adam Vinatieri
- Cody Parkey
- Mason Crosby
- Stephen Gostkowski
- Steven Hauschka
- Josh Scobee
- Dan Bailey
- Brandon Mcmanus
- Matt Bryant
- Matt Prater
- Dan Carpenter
- Randy Bullock
- Blair Walsh
- Dustin Hopkins
- Caleb Sturgis
- Josh Brown
- Chandler Catanzaro
- Nick Folk
- Mike Nugent
These are the kickers. This is the order in which they should be taken.
DEF:
- EAGLES
- Buffalo
- St. Louis
- Houston
- Miami
- Seattle
- Denver
- New York Jets
- Green Bay
- Minnesota
- Kansas City
- Cincinatti
- Baltimore
- Carolina
- New England
- Arizona
- Cleveland
- Indianapolis
- Tampa Bay
- Washington
These are the defenses. They will rarely win you games but oh man can they lose you games. Don’t mess up.
…
Play in our Week 1 Draft Kings event. It’s $5 to enter. There’s a $250 prize pool. If you beat Kyle, you get a t-shirt from the CB store, courtesy of Draft Kings. Create your team.
23 Responses
Calvin ahead of Brown? Riiiiiiiight.
Exactly what I came to comment. Is this a few years ago when Calvin was a monster? Not saying he isn’t top 10 but 2 is ridiculous. Denver will also be running the ball more so gtfo on Demaryious at #1 as well.
Lmao at Eagles #1 D. Aaahaha.
Eagles are the #1 defense & SPECIAL TEAMS. They were the best special teams by far last year and will probably be the best again. Fantasy DST has nothing to do with how good your defense is. You could have the 32nd ranked defense and give up 500 yards a game and it still wouldnt matter.
The opponents score barely effects your DST points. Even if you give up 30 a week thats like negative 3 points. But you get 2 per int/fumble, 6 per td, 2 per safety, and 1 per sack. The Eagles offense is so quick that there defense is on the field nearly 20% more then the majority of teams. Which means more opportunities for sacks, fumbles, interceptions, safeties, and defensive touchdowns. Also add in a couple of punt returns, kick returns, blocked punts, and blocked kicks. It starts to add up.
Which is why the Eagles are definitely the best DST and its not really even close.
Darren from Downingtown: ….It’s about religious freedom, Mike. Marriage is between a man and a woman! The Supreme Court had no right!
Mike Miss: But bro, you’re missing the point, bro. She can believe what she wants, but the law is the law, bro. Think deeper.
DfD: Mike, it’s God’s-
MM: Look within now, bro. You’ll see.
DfD: The other thing I wanted to talk about was that Chip…Chip made a huge mistake by letting Tebow go.
MM: Oh marone! Ok, bro. Bro, we’ve got it, bro. So, bro, you want a general knowledge question?
DfD: Sure.
MM: Alright, bro. This comes from the general knowledge category, bro. Bro, what is the biggest state, in terms of land area?
DfD: The biggest state?
MM: Yea, bro. The biggest state in terms of land area. Like size, bro.
DfD: Oh, well Texas.
MM: Bro.
Martinez: Unbelievable.
MM: You see, Martinez. You set it up for people and they can’t-
Martinez: Wow.
MM: It’s Alaska, bro. Alaska.
Matinez: Sarah Palin is from Alaska.
MM: You know that one, Martinez?
Martinez: Of course!
MM: Murray from Mayfair, you’re on 97.5 The Fanatic. What’s going on, Murray?
MfM: Hello, Michael. Mr. Ellis couldn’t get to me, but that’s OK. I’m glad to talk to you about the first place Dodgers of Los Angeles, and I’ve also got several other points to make. First, that Kershaw…
A+
This totally slipped my mind….made my day! great job
What kind of idiotic rankings are these? At this point it’s almost a lock that Ertz won’t play this week and somehow he’s ranked 9? Lol
Great advice!!
IT’S FOR THE SEASON.
I would rather go by ur dads..
“Demaryius Thomas all of a sudden finds himself with a TE who will be stealing his touchdown catches,”
I think Julius Thomas last year is better than Owen Daniels this year.
sorry and then follow it up with putting Daniels at the #20 TE spot? am I taking crazy pills?
it appears as though he is down on the Falcons, but I think that Julio Jones should be much higher than 10, and Matt Ryan too.
MIKE! Get off the internet, I need to make a PHONE CALL!
Julio 10? Bye bye credibility
How do I enter the promo code for the million dollar draft kings free entry bogus?
Anybody that says they’ve won “every league he’s ever played in” (and has Jeremy Hill ranked #2 among RB’s and Sam Bradford ranked #4 among QB’s) really has no clue.
His “leagues” he’s “won” are yahoo! free leagues where it’s him and 9 alts.
I like the idea of having your creepy neighbor Mike make daily fantasy picks. We will see how his picks are over the next few weeks compared to my daily lineups.
So much homerism I can see the Chip Kool-aid oozing from the post. Bradford 4? Eagles D 1? The WR rankings are laughable, should’ve just gone for broke and put Nelson Agholor in the top 15.
Your loser neighbor ‘wins every league he’s been in’ and was a 4th quarter away from being 1 of the outdoors holding a giant check from that scam called draft kings? You 2 are such schmucks. Make me a shitty t-shirt with that asinine Tebow chicken getting on a plane after getting cut instead of wasting our time and patience with this dumpster fire of an article.
1 of the idiots* holding a giant check. Autocorrect and lack of an edit function at its finest.
Lol TY Hilton and Mike Evans above Julio Jones?? That’s a good one.
I wish this @ssclown was in my league. It would be easy to separate this fool from his money.
Since Kyle tried to tell us that that Canadian tranny Meisha Johnson was good-looking.
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