The Sixers Are Messy, but No More than You Thought

Picture of Joel Embiid's current state, via his Instagram

This morning, I awoke from a dream. In that dream I was hanging out in Vegas with Dario Saric and Joel Embiid, drinking all the sodas that money could buy. Little did I know, that dream was actually a nightmare.

In today’s piece on SI’s The Cauldron, Brian Geltzeiler came out flame-shooting against the Sixers, Joel Embiid, Sam Hinkie, and his “process.” The heat was intense. For a moment, had to be evacuated. It was Chernobyl. But really, very little of it was new.

Joel Embiid got fat and loves soda. Oh boy. How will we ever recover? Let me start by saying I believe probably every word that was written about Embiid here. There is nothing in his persona that makes me think he’s a mature, hard-working, career-driven person. But he’s 21, faces a number of setbacks, and is still adjusting to American culture. How do I know that? Here’s a bit about the room service bill at the hotel where Joel lives:

“When the team subsequently asked to see Embiid’s room service bill, they found that most days he was ordering junk food along with his signature beverage, a pitcher of Shirley Temples.”

He’s gonna have so many cavities. True story: When I went to the pre-season game against the Cavs this week and Embiid and Hinkie were in the box next to me, I didn’t see Embiid drinking anything. He did, however, eat at least five grapes. Come on, he’s an athlete who’s never been rich, and now he is. He’s never been injured for a long time while being rich, and now he is. He’s spending all his money on sweet drinks? Color me unimpressed.

Another big issue here is that Embiid, a 21-year-old, went to Vegas. THE GALL! Also, remember when Embiid had to get a second surgery and you said to yourself “well, maybe if he wasn’t hopping around dunking all the time.” As it turns out, people who work for the Sixers said that to themselves, too. Weird, right? It’s almost as if it was … common sense. [Seriously though, work ethic concerns with Embiid could turn into a bigger problem, but that’s not a new thing. Just the sweet, sweet sugar that he loves is.]

And then there’s Dario Saric. Geltzeiler writes that Saric’s father, a manager of sorts, wants him nowhere near the Sixers. Not sure how that came out, but I wouldn’t want to mess with Saric’s father, whom I imagine looks like five Bond villains rolled into one. He also said that there is no buyout on Saric’s contract at the end of this season. Sound the alarm, I repeat, there is no buyout. The Sixers cannot buy him out of his contract with Anadolu Efes. Only… they can. I’ll take the word of a guy who has been following this since day one:

Don’t let the “LOL Sixers” cannon get in the way of facts. Facts are weak. They’re flimsy. The cannon destroys and ignores them, for some time:


Ah, the classic “editor mistake,” one with which I am all too familiar making. Carry on.

Finally, there’s the Michael Carter-Williams trade. Geltzeiler’s big scoop here? Sam Hinkie traded Michael Carter-Williams – part of his job – and Scott O’Neil wanted to make MCW part of future marketing campaigns – part of his job. Oh my god. Burn down The Center, how can the franchise ever survive this incredibly minor dust-up that happened months and months ago? We already knew Brett Brown wasn’t the biggest immediate fan of it either. Also, MCW is not a great NBA player.

So there we have it: Saric doesn’t have a buyout (false and being fixed), MCW’s trade rubbed some people the wrong way (old news), and Embiid has work ethic issues (older news). But please, would someone come put this piece out with a hose? The skin is falling from my hands. I’ve been too close to its heat for too long.


19 Responses

  1. What kind of blathering nonsense is this? Jim attempts to write an original, insightful article and falls flat on his face. #FireJim

    1. I actually thought Jim’s bat flipping article was decent, even though I don’t agree with the position he took. Then I come on today and find that Jim (and his writing) have gone back in the toilet. Fabulous.

      1. While I don’t share the same disdain for Jim as others, I am wondering why on a Friday in which we could be talking about Monday’s game, other NFL games, the ensuing class action law suits against Draft Kings/Fan Duel, etc., there have only been two articles and both have been about the dreaded Sixers and their upcoming season. Fu@k, I’ll even read an article by Violations Greg at this point.

        1. Because Kyle will sell his soul to anybody with a nickel (i.e.Draft Kings, LC Homes, etc.) he cannot cover one of today’s biggest stories in sports.

          By the way, anybody who buys a home based off this website should have their goddamn head examined.

          1. What about buying a car from Colonial Nissan? I am not in the market for a new car, but if I was these stories of Ron Schwartz would scare me away,

  2. Kyle’s post on Terminally Offended Hipsters was bullshit guys. Jim still works here


  3. I’m indifferent to Jim’s writing, but he’s right. The SI was a waste of time on old news.

    1. What exactly would you like to read about regarding the game monday? We don’t know who’s in or out yet. The Giants have a good offense. Bradford has been inconsistent so far. Anything else?

  4. There are two schools of thought. The author of this article and E S K I N who has a running vendetta against the team. The truth lies somewhere in the middle.

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